What The Hell Was Last Night All About?!?!

I'm trying really hard to get this relationship going. Me and her been together for two years, but we know nothing about each other. It's like our personality clashes every time we talk, interact or even argue. Her recent issue with me is that I'm unapproachable and detached. Which I feel makes sense since I don't trust her yet with the me who's me, so I put walls up. Usually I find that when someone has walls up their partner is who comforts them and assures them their safe to put their walls down to them. My girlfriend however gets upset with me for having walls up. So, since our last conversation of me not being open enough, not being approachable and detached. I decided I wanted to let my guard down just a lil. Only to see it backfire. A week ago we both embarked on a weight loss journey, her for her reasons and me for my reasons, few days later, because we weren't prepared nutrition wise, I started getting agitated cause of the drastic decrease of food intake. So, instead of me keeping it to myself and look unapproachable, I decided I wanted to let her in on my feelings. And when I thought it felt good to do, it quickly turned to me regretting it. She started going saying we're not doing the weight loss together and how she's in her mode and the last thing she needs is to hear negative things. So, I'm standing there confused and feeling like I just got backlashes for sharing my feelings. It prompted me to say to her that, that was the reason I don't open up and let her in. So my issue with her is that she wants me to open up to her, but when I do she never receives as is and the thing is I didn't feel comforted for the feeling I was having. I don't even know what feeling I felt, but it wasn't a good one. Then last night. Somehow we got into a deep personal conversation about my past. I'm not ashamed of it, in fact my past made me stronger. So, here I am sharing a deep story about my past and right when I think she's receiving it, she's not. She starts telling me that I have baggage and that she's disappointed that my past wasn't a happy go lucky childhood and that I gave her a shock news, since she painted a picture of who and what I was and since I'm not framing that picture she's disappointed and telling me that we need to get to know each other as if we just met and not throw bombs on a first date. Which I get, but we been together two years and I guess I'm wondering if she's even trying to get to know me. I Do understand that how our relationship began was an extreme fast one. We talked on the phone for two months and then we just decided to pull the "Uhaul" tactics (which is typical for lesbians to do) neither one knew anything about each other nor did we know what we were walking into. I moved out of NYC to live with her in Michigan. I regret it at times and other times I'm glad I came here and enjoy the experiences, but I don't think I enjoy her. The point is last night she left me in a distained feeling and not sure if she's judging my past or if she didn't want to hear about it or if she saying she doesn't accept me because of my past. I guess in my head if someone tells you something deep about their past, you embrace it and congratulate them for making it out of that situation as a stronger person. Make them feel good for going through it and surviving it. Not make them feel bad and uncomfortable for even sharing it with you all cause they ruined the perfect picture you had in your mind about that person, it just shows you're not interested in knowing who they are. So, I shut down the conversation since I wasn't hearing anything positive, just her superficial comments about it. I laid there. wishing I was far away from her. Can someone help me here, I need a different point of view about this. Any advice or ideas are welcome.
Aqua8601 Aqua8601
26-30, F
3 Responses Jan 9, 2013

I might be late telling you this. I believe that our past and our past struggles makes how we are now. Regardless is bad or good. I think you have your wall because of responses and reactions you by telling your past and so forth. Remember your human and a good person if she can't accept for that than the relationship is doomed I think your holding hope. There's no hope she tells you to open up when you do you get shot down. She not the one for you. I believe you moved too fast with her.

You're not late at all. Thank you for your response. I feel the same way, your past whether good or bad makes me who I am. I feel it should be celebrated or appreciated. She thinks I act a certain way towards her because of my past. Honestly my past has made me such a better person.

I don't know what I'm holding onto anymore. I'm trying to be optimistic and tell myself that our relationship will get better, but it's the same thing even now with us living in separate places. *shrug* I don't know.

Well maybe you should really consider parting ways. It's seems that it's going to keep to be the same. Sometimes we tend be scared to walk away from that was never there to begin with.

what i think u should ask your self is do u love her? truely? is she worth all of those emotions and such?

No. I do not love her. And no she's not worth it.

so why stay? what are u getting out of all of this?

Ummm - sounds bad that you can't talk to each other with walls down. Feel nervous for where this is going?

Don't want to sound negative.

I feel numb to my relationship and I'm scared and anxious everyday I'm in this relationship. I'm not nervous, but I am done. I actually don't want to know where this relationship is going.

This situation amongs other things are red flags I need to dodge before I go insane. You're not sounding negative at all.