Is It Just Me?

I have been married for 5 years. we dated for about a year, most of it long distance. we met in college and I'm older than my husband. I'm also a foreigner and of a different race than my husband.

 

I have been unhappy for a few years now (and i know that he has been too, but is able to cope better than i can by focusing on his hobbies) and i don't know what to do about it. We have talked so many times about our issues, we've put together plans for improving things (the problem is that we don't carry out those plans well). We've had many "wipe the slate clean and start over" moments in our relationship, but when i look at it as a whole, the same underlying issues are there and keep resurfacing. I love my husband and he loves me. However, I don't respect him and he doesn't respect me either. for my part, i don't trust him financially, i don't believe that he puts "us" as a family unit first or that he would strive and "hustle" for the family. I also think of him as intuitively "slow". i do feel that i'm being unfair to him because he is very smart in other areas, the areas that i'm not smart in. He on his part doesn't respect the areas that i'm good at. It is unfortunate, because we would be so great together if we joined forces and respected each others' strengths and worked as a team. That's what is missing for me ... team work ... and it doesn't seem to be improving. We're always talk about how we could be such a great couple if we fixed our issues.

We've talked about having kids, but i'm hesitant because i don't think we are a cohesive unit yet. My husband and others say kids provide the necessary glue in a relationship and while i see their point, I don't think kids fix issues. i think they strenthen existing bonds, but they don't create those bonds (or am i wrong?). So i'm pretty much holding back on having kids till our relationship is solid and i'm not getting any younger!!

Then there's the sex. I don't feel sexually attracted to my husband and thinking back, i never was. I was attracted to him for his carefree and fun spirit (the same things that now get on my nerves sometimes). We've had good sex in the past, but not recently (probably cuz of all the uncertainty in the air). How important is this? Sex life and attraction changes in a relationship, doesn't it?

So, I'm wondering if we're a lost cause or if we just need to work harder (i.e. really work at it, since in the past we've made improvement plans but didn't execute well). It seems like for our relationship to work, we have to always be on our toes i.e. working on it, or else we slide right back to square one. i know relationships require work, but when is it too much work?

I feel that if i could turn back time, I wouldn't marry him because I don't think he's right for me.

Randy226 Randy226
26-30, F
4 Responses Jun 24, 2007

I can very much identify with your story. I agree with you and the other posts that adding children will not solve this. The father of my 10 year old died when she was 6 and he wanted us to marry when I found out I was pregnant. I chose not to because I barely knew this man (only dated for 6 months prior to finding out) We had attraction but the kind that didn't last. We got together because we were both hurt from prior relationships. I chose not to marry but I carried guilt and remorse from that decision when he decided to punish our daughter by my decision and went into hiding and then eventually passed from heart failure. I have since thought that my JOB was to replace her father and have FAILED many times by choosing all the wrong people. But the truth was and still is, I need(ed) to be ME first and foremost. My having a little girl changed MY life dramatically, but had I chosen to marry for the wrong reasons I know I would have been miserable. Maybe having a child helped with some couples, but if you are already worried about the financial end with him then becoming pregnant could increase that financial worry. It sounds to me that you need a vacation with yourself. :-) But I'm no Dr. Phil.<br />
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In my past I've been known in my relationships to become complacent with just about anyone. I really try to be fair, but my ideals can get in the way... Nature has a way of making things either work or not work regardless of our wants. But it's always good to take a step back and look over the values we have set in place and are they in line with who we love? We may never find our ideal everything mate, but if we share the same values and priorities that can really count. <br />
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I realize I just wrote a freaking novel here... didn't intend to. I just really felt your story and because I get all into my writing I just went with it. Hope you don't mind.<br />
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Many blessings to you and thanks for your post. No matter what you choose it doesn't have to be permanent. It's just a choice. You can ALWAYS find yourself again.

Whatever you do, don't have kids yet. Your relationship needs to be super-strong before adding the stress of kids. Kids cannot heal a "sick' relationship. While kids are wonderful (and I wouldn't trade mine for ANYTHING) they add stress to even the strongest of marriages even though they bring so much joy.

I am currently struggling with this issue myself. I am not attracted to my husband either, and to think of it, I think that that initial chemistry was never there. He is a wonderful husband and father, but it isn't enough for me. We were young when we got together, and for me I felt lucky that a good guy had come along, liked me back, was from a good family, and was funny, intelligent, educated. We did what we were supposed to do, take the next step: get married have the kids, all the while actually thinking that I was happy, and believing it at the time, but as the years passed on, these feelings of unhappiness keep resurfacing. We have 2 beautiful children, and I can't stay anymore. It does not help that I am in love with someone else. It makes things very complicated. But it doesn't change the fact that I too, may have married the wrong person. I do love him, but am not in love with him.

I think that you are right in thinking that kids can't fix relationship problems, if that were true then there wouldn't be so many kids with divorced parents. Best of luck with your relationship.