Was I Wrong About This Relationship?

the recap:

when he and i met a year ago.  we were both 18 mos out of divorce court.  we were neither one 'hung up' on our ex's as during those relationships we had time to get over our spouses and the loss of the relationship prior to dissolution.  however, he was clearly depressed about his children - not being able to tuck them in each night, not being able to attend school functions etc. as his ex moved out of state.  he remains depressed about this.  i can't blame him.  i too would be destroyed.  he does take antidepressants to assist with his emotions and it's usually very helpful.

not long into the relationship my family revealed their true selves to him and his revealed their true selves to me.  thus, we neither one care about each other's family.  it doesn't bother me that he doesn't much care for my fam since i don't either.  however, it does bother him to a degree that i won't 'try' much with his family and i avoid them as often as possible.  he and his fam have always been very close.  too close if you ask me - they have no boundaries with each other.  NONE!  therfore they assume i should have no boundaries either .... HA!  which of course, this is going to cause friction.  they don't appreciate my boundaries and i don't appreciate them repeatedly infringing on them so they can 'get what they want.'

he has 3 children and although they love me there is a LOT of manipulation going on.  the eldest daughter manipulates her younger sisters in regard to how they feel about me.  i can only assume she learned this from her mother.  despite numerous attempts to befriend their mother, for the sake of the children, she still has nothing positive to say about me nor will she even tolerate the sight of me.  she continues to make absurd requests of her exhusband and that has spread to absurd requests in regard to me - each time threatening him with not seeing his children.  not only has he bent to her will but for the sake of the girls and for the sake of their father, i now bend to her every whim.  the eldest also is extremely fake with me, not realizing i see right through her.  it's nearly intolerable especially since she's twisted the younger two's feelings for me and they no longer tell me they love me.  (for the record, i didn't ask for them to tell me they loved me nor did i ever tell them that i loved them until they told me.  i simply replied, "i love you back.")

in his divorce he was awarded with all the marital debt - the only thing he was awarded.  this has forced him to file bankruptcy.  due to needing the ex's signatures on several forms these proceedings have been delayed.  he was recently served papers to appear in court.  evidently someone is suing him in an attempt to collect the debt.

we've had a wonderful relationship the past year despite our families, his ex and his children.  when we met it was instantaneous.  we just KNEW!  and it was awesome.  sure ... just like everyone else we had to get to know one another, annoy each other a bit, make some changes to comfort each other, etc.  that's all part of a relationship and learning to live with one another - we moved in together nearly immediately.  we were very in love.  we still are ... i think.

the sex life was phenominal to begin with.  when he became more depressed over his children it seemed to wain a bit.  it came back a few months later.  but timing was bad.  when 'he' came back to 'life' his children had just started staying every other week with us - ALL week long.  then you have to figure in the 'time of month' (aka TOM) ... by the time 'he' came back and the schedule 'allowed' for 'us' time it had been 3 weeks since the previous 'encounter.'  this bothered him immensely.  not that i was so keen on it either.  but during that time he began watching **** constantly ... as if i was 'holding' out on him or something.  which was NOT the case.  once the children were gone we had 'us' time.  thank goodness!  it was bizarre because it caused me soooo much pain!  it'd never done this before.  it was puzzling to say the least.  once the remnants of pain and pressure subsided i planned another night of 'us' time.  it never happened...  i ended up in emergency surgery (the pain from the previous 'us time' was part of it) and when i was released from the hospital i was told, "no sex for 14 days."  *sighs*

here's where it gets 'ugly' ...

i suffer from a neurological condition caused by joint/bone trauma.  it causes intolerable, excruciating pain on a daily basis.  weather affects it immensely as does stress.  it's one of those things where i use a cane to walk or i lose my balance, plus it helps to relieve some of the weight and pressure from each step i take.

when he and i got together he knew about this condition - it's nothing i can hide.  i reiterated REPEATEDLY how negatively it affects me during certain seasons.  it so happens we are in one of those seasons.  during that season i tend to become bedridden rather than just housebound.  the house has turned into an utter garbage dump in the meantime.  granted we just moved in and had to do a bunch of rennovation prior to moving in.  once we got in the new place i literally crashed for a month to recover from all the packing, painting, sanding, mudding, etc.  by the time the children started coming every other week for more than just the weekend i'd just 'got out of bed' so to speak.  and at the same time i'd begun falling ill (what i had surgery for.)  so i was quite touch and go considering the illness and the season affecting me so negatively that i can only stand for 5-10 mins maximum.

don't get me wrong ... i do all i can as often as i can.  he works 50 hrs/wk and when he gets home he wants nothing more than to crawl into bed with me.  and after being home alone all day, missing him ... i want him to do nothing more than crawl into bed with me.  thus the house is a nightmare.

with the impending court proceedings i know he's stressed out.  and he and i neither one enjoy nor do we approve of the way we live right now (the way the house is.)  but nothing would prepare me for what happened lastnight.

i'd fallen asleep late yesterday afternoon having not slept the night before.  i woke up to him bringing dinner in to me.  after we ate he told me to lay back down and go back to sleep.  i did.  i woke at 10 p.m. and he was missing.  i saw there was a light on in the front of the house and figured he was out in the front room watching a movie or indulging in his new hobby (****.)  i woke up again at 3 a.m.  he was still missing from the bed.  not too many minutes later i hear keys in the door.  he was just getting in!  WHAT?!?!?!  where'd he go? 

it turns out he wasn't tired so he went out to a bar - something we don't indulge in unless we are together and even then we don't do this often.  i pressed for more info because at that point the bars had ALL been closed for nearly 2 hours.  he reported that he went to the restaurant with some friends he'd seen at the bar. *sighs*  considering what i went through in my first marriage (a cheating husband who got his mistress pregnant) you can imagine what was whirling about in my head.

we commence our 'talk.'  a talk i was not prepared for.  he told me that he couldn't live 'this way' anymore.  the house was stressing him out along with everything else and rather than talk to me about, because he thought it would make me feel bad, he went out to 'cut loose.'  i asked him if he knew how i'd react when he left to 'cut loose' and he said he did.  he implied that it was over.  so i asked more questions being sure to keep my emotions in check.  basically what it all boils down to is that he felt that if he loved me enough he would keep the house clean while i was 'sick' and that he felt ashamed that he wasn't doing that and he guessed that he didn't love me enough to do it.  after a LOT of talking through it i realized it was his depression causing him to not clean house and to climb into bed after his workday.  i can understand that.  i never thought he should be cleaning the house to begin with.

we stayed up for 2 hours talking about it.  i never cried.  sure tears ran down my face from time to time but i fought it with all my might.  he finally tells me that he loves me, he doesn't want it to end, he thinks we're a great couple, etc. but he doesn't know what to do.  i was silent until he spoke again because there was GOING to be a decision THAT night!  and he knew it without me even saying it.  he finally spoke and saying that this 'season' was harder than he thought it was going to be but he didn't want it to end because of that.  he said that he felt we could work it out, get the house back to normal and things would be okay again.

so here i sit, questioning what really happened lastnight while he was 'out' and wondering if i should trust him.  i sit here pondering what the hell he was thinking rather than just talking to me - we have never had communication problems, if anything we communicate better than most couples, MUCH better.  we're very open with one another and it's wonderful in that regard.  i sit here wondering if next time he gets stressed out if he's going to pull this trick again. 

i realize it could be much worse.  this probably seems to be not such a big deal to a lot of you reading this ... however, i can't help but feeling betrayed, hurt, dismissed, scared, worried, etc. 

side note ... i'm an extremely intuitive person.  i don't always understand the intuitions though.  the funny thing is ... for the last 2 weeks i've been pondering our relationship with discontent.  it was as if i was looking for a reason to break up ... but i didn't want to break up and couldn't figure out where this was coming from.  WHAMMO!  i guess i found out lastnight, eh?

edited same night:

the WHOLE truth came out.  i was sure there was more to it.  he wanted out of the relationship and to seal the deal he went to his exgirlfriend's house and slept with her.  he was sure i'd throw him outta the house thereby i broke up with him and he wouldn't feel bad that he broke up with me ... *sighs*

the girl had the balls to call MY house asking for him!  that's how it came out.  i answered the phone and she said she had the wrong number.  i said as sweet as could be despite feeling like i'd blow up and you'd be amazed how calm i was, "(her name) were you calling to speak with (his name)?"  her: "oh is this *constant*?  he told me all about you.  if you don't mind, i'd sure like to speak with him."  me: "you haven't a notion what you got in the middle of lastnight.  and ya know, (her name,) i'm sure you wouldn't like it much had i or any other woman who knew about you did the same."  her:  "well, no i wouldn't."  me:  "just keep in mind ... karma's a *****" and i handed the phone to him.  she asked him if he wanted to call her later, "it sounds like you're in the middle of something."  him:  "i don't know.  i'm trying to work this out with *contant*."  and he hung up.

there's no telling what i'll do at this point ... short of a complete meltdown i don't know...  i feel physcially ill and sadder than i have in YEARS and YEARS ... i just want to pretend it didn't happen, take a pill and forget about it.

then i find out he spoke to his mom about it last week.  she said, "(his name) you are not strong enough for this.  you can move back in whenever you're ready."  i KNEW she was 'enabling'/'disabling' him this whole time!  i feel like i'm going to scream.  if he is being told by people he's not strong enough for this or that, why would he even try?  he already has been told he's going to fail ...  i HATE mothers who can't get out of the way of their children's happiness because they want them to theirselves! 

*silently screams*

edited July 2

after talking and asking countless questions i find out that the weekend his mother told him he wasn't strong enough, he called the exgirlfriend for the first time in a year.  they talked a lot that weekend from what i understand.  he told her he was in love me yet she still slept with him?   i can't imagine the kind of person who does that!  not to mention i was 24 hours out of surgery when the phone calls began.  i was at home recovering while he was at his mom's with his children so they wouldn't disturb my recovery, per him. 

the sadness overwhelms me. 

he knew how much i loved him.  he says over and over through tears that he loves me as he always did if not more but he was feeling stressed out and didn't want to hurt my feelings so he felt his 'out' was sleeping with this girl.

what do i do? 

as i think about that question, after years and years of experience with this - cuz evidently that's all i attract, i reflect on what i've told friends in the same situation in the past and how that's changed over the years.  in recent years i've come to tell them to hang in there/stay in the relationship ONLY if they feel they can overcome the betrayal, they love one another, it's the best relationship they've ever had, and that they're both committed to 'fixing' things.  whereas before i would tell them, "once a cheater always a cheater!  you might want to consider getting out while you still have your sanity."  as i've matured and realized the value of a good relationship, bad relationship and a great relationship as well as the differences therein, i've become more forgiving, more willing to work things out rather than throw something that's otherwise fantastic away due to a 'freak out.'  perhaps this is my downfall.  i certainly didn't need to become more forgiving - i forgave my exhusband for 3 years during our marriage while another woman occupied his heart.  i realize when i used to tell people to 'get out' that i was bitter, resentful, hurting, etc.  but now ... well before saturday night, things were different.

i'm physically ill over this.  i've never shed so many tears in all my life.  i've never been so hurt in all my life.  this is a man with high morals who everyone else looks up to for how he conducts himself ... yet despite how wonderful i've been to him, despite our love for one another i get **** on again ...  i don't understand, i simply do NOT understand how anyone could want to hurt someone in this manner, to this degree, when all i've done is love him.  he willfully admits that i've done nothing to deserve this, that i didn't deserve it even had i done anything to him, and he goes on to say how sorry he is and if he had it to do over again he'd simply talk to me.

all i've ever done, my whole life, is attempt to help people, to be the best person i could be to them and for them, to make them feel loved more than they've ever felt, etc.  he was no exception.  there's no doubt he feels awful.  if only you could have seen him.  thankfully he answered all my questions, he let me cry (which i NEVER do - i've cried enough in my lifetime - he said that he didn't want to see me cry but that it was good for him in a way because it's a side of me he has never seen,) he holds me while i cry, he answers my questions with detail, he looks me in the eye now and he professes that he wants to make this better ...

i told him that i didn't want him to want to make it better because i cried or because he feels guilt but because he wants ME and the relationship - because he believes in us and the future of our relationship.  i told him that he can't base his need to work on the relationship out of shame.  yet he professes to wanting to make this right.

i'm rambling ... i'm sorry ... i'm sad, i'm in the moment - it's not something of the past, it's fresh and i have yet enough time to seperate myself from the situation and gain perspective.

i need help!


AbbyNormal AbbyNormal
31-35, F
5 Responses Jul 1, 2007

Hey I just realized how old this post is...<br />
surely you've made your decision by now.<br />
What did you decide?

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of that. He sounds like he really means it when he says he's sorry. It also sounds like you have a pretty good relationship overall. Maybe he's worth forgiving. It's hard to find good relationships and impossible to find perfect ones. Hold on to what you have if it's good and you can forgive.

Constant<br />
I wish I could alleviate your pain, I feel lachrymose as I read with horror the unfortunate events. I pray that God give you the resilience to triumph over this predicament. Since you are too compassionate a person to wish ill over the *****, I am praying that a great calamity befall him and that he suffers thrice as much you did.

thank you, siddler. you're right, one way or another i WILL get through this. in the mean time ... *shrugs* we'll see i guess?

Constant I feel really sad for you. I have so little relationship experience I think I would be of no help to you. But I have a lot of compassion for your situation. You do seem like a very giving woman and you've been through a lot. You seem like the last person in the world that should be treated the way you've been treated. I hope you can find whatever is the right decision for you and your health. It sounds like maybe that wasn't the healthiest situation for you anyway. His ex-wife reminds me a lot of a friends ex-wife. She manipulates him and his children (she has custody of the 90% of the time). He's hired a lawyer b/c she would break the court ordered visitation. She's also gotten the kids to believe (especially her oldest daughter) that their father is a bad man which is so far from the truth. It's really sick when adults use children for their own selfish purposes rather than just loving them. I wish you the best in all of this. You are a strong woman and one way or another you'll find your way through this. :-)