An Update to

i sit here full of nuances to share, full of happenings to share with you the reader and my friends ... i sit here full.  i'm simply full of tid-bits that have since taken place.  things that would be of assistance in making up one's mind in a similar situation.  wanting your help, your advice i wish to share.  however, the logical side of me says, "*constant*, although these small nuances would be of assistance to your friends and they could then help you make a better, more informed and educated decision, in the end it is YOU that has to make that decision.  *constant*, you cannot depend on anyone to make the decision for you as you would only blame them later.  *constant*, it is up to you what you will do and how you will proceed.  with that said, *constant*, you must not discount the valuable advice of your friends here on EP as they have collectively been through more than you'll ever know and they collectively have more wisdom then you will ever understand."

*sighs*  although i pride myself on the logic i practice daily it does tend to get in the way when in a situation of this sort.  perhaps it's not getting in the way but more so that it's attempting to save me from myself, my tendencies, etc.  unfortunately, i have been able to apply logic to everything and everyone with only one exception.  that exception is this particular scenario.  maybe because i'm still filled with crippling emotion and have yet the ability to step out of my own box for perspective.  emotional overload does cripple logic.  we all know this.

each time i feel i've come to a place where i can begin to lean on my logic the emotions overwhelm me.  they take over.  they take this stronghold on my thoughts, my actions and lack thereof, they grip themselves tightly around my neck as if to choke me.  they are deeper than the oceans, darker than the starless, moonless night sky.  there's no air in those emotions.  no way to breathe.  it's a vast nothingness which succumbs me, overtakes me, surrounds me, encapsulates me.  i feel i might well die in this nothingness ... it will choke the remaining life from my body.  i will suffocate on it if i'm unable to return to logic.

depression ...

this IS depression.  at the very epi-center of depression this is it!  lovely ... how freakin' lovely!  i'm such a fortunate woman.  if only logic would prevail ... and SOON!  that way i could locate the tiniest shred of hope, the tiniest shred of dignity, the light of life which keeps our hearts pulsating. 

i hate how weak depression makes me feel.  i was raised against this sort of thing, not to succumb to it, not to allow it in my life, to be better than, stronger than etc. IT. 

i need a ray of logical thought, my own logical thought, in order to make better sense of it all.  perhaps it's senseless but i can and will make sense of it when logic is intact.  it's what i do, it's who i am and it's how i live and always has been my way.

talk about discombobulation!

for the first 7 days of this fine mess i was in one of these three states; #1.  hysterical and profound sadness well beyond anything i've ever known before - on the verge of admitting myself to the nearest psych ward (literally),  #2.  i was eerily calm (just waiting for the next wave of sadness to overtake me), or #3.  overjoyed to be with him and planning the path we would have to take in order to make things 'right' again if not 'better' than ever.

the 8th day came bringing with it a new emotion.  it's one we are all familar with.  however, for me i've always viewed it as the most useless emotion of all.  (generally this emotion should be the first in the cascade of emotions during a 'grieving cycle' and after something like this as it is the easiest to show and share - i seem to have that messed up a bit.)  this new emotion, my useless emotion, came with a vengence.  ANGER!  the anger came to the forefront somewhat volcanic-like, with deadly speed and force - singing all along it's path of destruction. 

the first 7 days allowed us to review everything.  it allowed me time to ask all my silly question.  it allowed us to make a tentative plan as to what had to be done in order to 'fix' things.  it allowed us time to enjoy each other, to rediscover each other, etc. ... much like in the beginning of a relationship.  there was great hope for a rebirth during this time.  much like that of a pheonix from the ashes.

on the 8th day when ANGER hit everything went to hell! 

i knew my emotions were wearing on him - they were wearing on me!  but that ANGER that rages inside me is nearly lethal.  this is most likely the very reason i refuse to participate in this emotion.  for me ... my ANGER is MEAN, VERY VERY MEAN!  there are NO excuses it will accept - NONE!  when i'm angry the people around me have very little chance of coming out unscathed.  the kind of anger i suffer from is all encompassing and it's MEAN.  i canNOT begin to help you understand how VERY MEAN this anger is.

this ANGER is the kind that will ask a question.  it will allow it's target to begin answering and then take over.  this ANGER will then answer the question itself, outloud, with a tone in my voice that would scare a terrorist.  this ANGER says the most hurtful things.  it's as if the ANGER is exacting it's own form of justice by causing those around it to suffer as i have.  but this doesn't even begin to wet it's appetite. 

the tears come and they quiet the raging fire of ANGER for a few moments.  this is when that eery calm comes over me as if it's whitewashing my entire being.  it's only a few minutes before the tears resurface and wipe away the calm whitewash.  the ANGER again presents itself.  (it's most likely because i'm embarrassed that i could be so angry, so mean, so profoundly saddened as to show my raw emotion, so affected by all of this, etc.)  and the cycle continues.

manic?  i believe that is correct.  that is the only way i can begin to describe these moods of mine as of now.  the highs are inexplicable and the lows are beyond comprehension.  the ANGER is the only thing i have a grip on (logically) but i have no control of it whatsoever.

^^^ that's my mental state - my extremely varied mental state from one moment to the next as of now.

i'm sure with time it will calm down, the cycles slowing and the intensity diminishing little by little until finally it's a distant memory.  i wait for that day with great anticipation.

all the small nuances, all the conversations, all the information exchanged ... our focus is solely on 'us.'

without me saying it outright, he now realizes how terribly negative his inaction with his family and his children has affected 'us.'  he now realizes just how big of a part he has played in this from the beginning.    he knows he has until august 1st to make things right with them.  if he can't tell them how it is, why should i invest any energy into this?  it will only continue as it was lending itself to the same problems we now suffer from.

deadlines?  YES!  it may seem ridiculous to some, however, he is a procrastinator that needs to know there's a deadline and what the repercussions are for not meeting said deadline.  otherwise it will go to the wayside as it has for months upon months.  not to mention; i'm not getting any younger and i don't wish to feel this again in the future because i failed to do my part in making sure it happened.  if it does not happen by then ... well ... i can't justify wasting any more energy on this, on him, etc.  it is only through his own inaction that i will be freed from this.

with all that said, yes, i owned up to my fair share.  perhaps i took on too much responsibility for our life as it was.  it makes no difference.  initially he thought he and i only had to expend energy on the 'relationship and one another' but now he realizes the outside forces are a major problem and he is the only one who can do anything about them.  seeing as how he's the type that avoids conflict at all cost this is a major testament if he completes the task.

truth be known?  he will have to deal with those outside forces if he ever wishes to have a relationship with anyone.  otherwise he will be alone forever.  i think he knows this.  it's not for me to tell him so i just lay the puzzle pieces on the table for him to put together of his own accord.

it seems things are better, getting much better.  with all the various plans put in place hopefully things will pan out for he and i.  i can assure you i wouldn't still be in this if it were an 'expendable' relationship.  and yes, i realize we never think they are 'expendable' until we get a good amount of time and distance from them.  but i cannot deny the facts.  the facts are clear and they have never been present before in my past relationships.  i.e.; the best relationship i've ever been in, the most compatible person i've ever met in every way possible, the strong need, desire and ability to communicate with one another, and the list goes on endlessly.  if there were even one thing missing from the list ... i wouldn't be putting forth any energy.

but in the meantime ... approximately 3 weeks to go for deadline, i will wait in my cycles of hellish emotion fighting the demons off of me.  i'm sure there are more emotions which will surface.  at this point ... if i can simply continue to breathe through each cycle i will be in a better place than i was.

why is it that things which are so insanely simplistic are the most complicated at the same time?  such as the human psyche?

before i close this one ... i must give gratitude to 'he' who deserves it for bringing me out of my hysteria that first monday as well as a couple more days to follow and more to come i'm sure (lol), for bringing a center and a focus to me in my conundrum, for taking time to understand to the fullest all the minute details of s.o. and me, for simply caring enough to reach out, for some of the most comprehensive and well thought out advice i've received in my life and the list goes on!  no amount of money could have paid for this 'service' ... dodo, you're the BEST!

AbbyNormal AbbyNormal
31-35, F
Jul 10, 2007