Stuck With No Hope

YOU HAVE NO IDEA

 

married for 7 years. not in a way you would expect. born in a cult and brainwashed from the moment i was born, with no way out. no choice in the matter. it was when i was 18 i decided to face my eternity. a young brainwashed ignorant isolated virgin, i let our cult leader , who i loved and trusted at the time, choose my eternal spouse. my initial reaction, when i found out who it was, was as if death had pulled all of my organs to the bottom my feet and through the floor. i hated her. HATED her. but because of my love for this man who chose her for me, i stuck with it. i promised god and my parents that i would not let my expectations get in the way of loving this women. to me, this was child of god, and i had to love her because it was my hand picked mission. so i ripped out my soul and my heart, every thing that ever wanted, i had to bury....... with a dream that a miracle would happen.

i put myself through a rigorous course of fasting for long periods of time, prayer and endless ice cold showers to rid myself of the "evil spirits" that had kept me from loving this girl. 3 months of malnutrition and torment. i finally gave in and accepted. March 24th 2005 is when i buried my soul..... 7 years have gone by now and i am a robot. a machine with no emotions. no personal thoughts, no desire to be different. i stayed with her, but never LOVED her. had sex with her, but hated every moment of it.  i am still amazed on how disciplined i became.

but what i forgot was i am still HUMAN and i can not live with out love. i recently was able to "de-program" myself and leave the cult. i'm 26 years old now and i proud i am not a part of that world. i am now awake. i can see again, smell again and taste again! ...but what do i do with her. now that i am awake, i know that she is means nothing. but for some reason i can't. for some reason i just cant hurt her. if you are wondering, NO i do not love her, NO i do not see a future with her....but she is all i ever known. she is all i ever had. i don't know how to break up.......

i told her EVERYTHING a few months ago. she was depressed and i never felt so bad in my life. even though i can blame everything on the cult i was in, still she is a PERSON. i can't hurt her. but now i am just giving her false hope. so now i am at a point where i am just waiting. waiting like a ***** who can't be a man about it and save us some time. i need to stop wasting our time. i need to be a man and end this. but what will i do? where will i go? who will i meet? for 25 years i was in another world. i am only a newborn to this earth. 

SO...who can help me? what therapist can help me? who has been in my shoes? who knows anything? no one.....

LastHuman LastHuman
22-25, M
Feb 15, 2010