Never Marry A Divorced Man With Kids.....I thought I knew the man I married; loving, caring, sensitive. When we first met we were just friends. I already had a stigma for the situation that he was in, divorced with two kids (one his, one not). I was 30 and had come out of a long term abusive engagement. I was relieved and had started meeting new people and enjoying being single. I came across a man (now my husband) that seemed like a really great guy. Someone you could count on. He had a girlfriend at that he was living with at the time and I wasn't looking for a relationship, just a friend. So we became jogging buddies and our friendship grew. He confided in me that he had moved into that relationship too quick and was waiting for her to be re-stationed (she was in the army). We shared stories about our past and without conscious effort feelings started to grow. I was waiting on my previous employer to contact me so I could go back to Alabama and leave Texas. Well two days after we recognized our feelings. I got that call and off to Alabama I went. Which at that time was a good thing; he still had a girlfriend and I still had my stigma about him. We kept in contact via text & email. But it came to a halt when his girlfriend started to see his attraction for me. I was fine with it but was alittle bummed. What was going to happen we had two states in between us. But he stopped contacting me middle of may. The summer went by and I was having a blast. Making good money (low 6 figures) and enjoying life. Then early August I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. Low and behold it was him. We shared the usual how have you been conversation. Then I had to ask, "Does your girlfriend know you're calling me?" He said no he was at AT (annual training, he is in the national guard) and she wasn't around. So we talked for a few hours. I didn't hear from him after that night until the end of August. And again I had to ask if his girlfriend knew he had called me. He said that their relationship had ended. She had just been stationed in El Paso and left the day before. He started contacting me very frequently. It pretty much went back to how we were before.
It was the third week of October. I was flying back to San Antonio to attend a reunion. I ended up staying at his place and needless to say our relationship became more involved. Soon after that I was flying him to meet me at different places every other weekend; a weekend in Orlando, a weekend in Mobile, a weekend in Pensacola, New Yews in New Orleans and occasionally I would fly into San Antonio to see him. Our relationship had become more then that of friends. I had met his daughters. My stigma for him had disappeared. I saw the way he loved and cared for his kids and the awesome father he was. He would drop anything for them. A true family man. I could see myself in a long term relationship with him. I knew the reason for his divorce. He was the victim of a cheating wife.
He then found out that he would be deploying out to Iraq in a couple of months. And I was faced with the decision to stay in the long distance relationship or take some time off from work and see what happens. Well to try to make this very long story a little shorter. I took the time off and we had an amazing few months before his deployment. We talked about our future together, marriage and even children. Note: I never wanted kids until I met him.
We went through a tough year long deployment. I kept my sanity my constantly sending him packages and emails. I tried to stay in contact with his daugthers, we had formed a very good bond during the time before my husband left. But a week after he had left I had accompanied his mother and brother to a cheer function of his daughters in Houston. His ex-wife told the lawyers I tried to kidnap the youngest. She prevented me from having anything to do with the kids. Also, unfortunately during that time I was unable to go back to my job in Alabama. I was given the opportunity to go back right before he left but didn't take it at his request. So I was stuck in San Antonio during a very bad job market. I had to settle for a job that paid hourly and only made a very small fraction of what I was before. I savings dwindled and my stocks took a very hard hit and haven't recovered. But the upside to me at that point was that we got married during his leave. I was a new bride.
We married in July of '09 and he returned from Iraq that following Oct. It was a very hard transition. He did what he knew when he came back. He was a devoted father. That's when I started to see that I had no marriage, no partner, no husband. We were newly weds and didn't have any time to ourself. We had his kids every weekend. And during the week when his ex-wife would dictate. Then I saw another side of him. One I had never seen before. His ex-wife controlled him through his kids. She knows the type of man he is and she plays it to her full advantage. Note: My Husbands father left their family when he was a child and never had anything to do with him and his brother. He vowed he would never be a father like that.
I try to show him what she is doing but he refuses to see. We argued (and still do) constantly. Why do I just do like she asks? I wasn't going to let her run me.
He says it is better that his daughter is with us and not her because of the type of influence she is on his daughter. Which I agree. His ex-wifes social life is number one and if he doesn't take his daughter she end up staying home for the most part alone. Her 17 year old sister (not his, but considers her his daughter) is supposed to be watching her but usually leaves.
I got pregnant in Dec. And extremely sad to say I miscarried. I was a very traumatic day for me; it was a friday. I wanted to be home alone with my husband over the weekend and grieve. He said he couldn't do that and he wasn't going to miss out on time with his kids. He left me there alone. I cried and had never felt so alone in my life. He later returned with his kids and proceeded to laugh and carry on in the living room while I lay in tears in the bedroom.
About a month later the oldest had a ceremony at her school. I was told that a parent would to be escorting and present the student. It turned out I sat alone and watched as my husband and his ex-wife and kids paraded across the stage as a nice happy family; joking and having fun together. I couldn't take it anymore.
I fell (and to some point still am) into depression and attempted suicide. I failed.
We have been married a year and a half now and this pattern with his ex-wife continues. He feels I am the reason our marriage is failing. If I would just do what she asks everything would be ok. He has distanced himself from me. We don't communicate. I don't want a divorce. I just want change. I don't know what to do.
Kozpac 31-35 24 Responses 1 Feb 9, 2011