Post

Never Marry A Divorced Man With Kids.....

I thought I knew the man I married; loving, caring, sensitive. When we first met we were just friends. I already had a stigma for the situation that he was in, divorced with two kids (one his, one not).  I was 30 and had come out of a long term abusive engagement. I was relieved and had started meeting new people and enjoying being single.  I came across a man (now my husband) that seemed like a really great guy. Someone you could count on. He had a girlfriend at that he was living with at the time and I wasn't looking for a relationship, just a friend.  So we became jogging buddies and our friendship grew. He confided in me that he had moved into that relationship too quick and was waiting for her to be re-stationed (she was in the army).  We shared stories about our past and without conscious effort feelings started to grow.  I was waiting on my previous employer to contact me so I could go back to Alabama and leave Texas. Well two days after we recognized our feelings. I got that call and off to Alabama I went. Which at that time was a good thing; he still had a girlfriend and I still had my stigma about him.  We kept in contact via text & email.  But it came to a halt when his girlfriend started to see his attraction for me.  I was fine with it but was alittle bummed. What was going to happen we had two states in between us. But he stopped contacting me middle of may.  The summer went by and I was having a blast. Making good money (low 6 figures) and enjoying life.  Then early August I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. Low and behold it was him. We shared the usual how have you been conversation. Then I had to ask, "Does your girlfriend know you're calling me?" He said no he was at AT (annual training, he is in the national guard) and she wasn't around.  So we talked for a few hours. I didn't hear from him after that night until the end of August. And again I had to ask if his girlfriend knew he had called me. He said that their relationship had ended. She had just been stationed in El Paso and left the day before.  He started contacting me very frequently. It pretty much went back to how we were before. 
It was the third week of October. I was flying back to San Antonio to attend a reunion. I ended up staying at his place and needless to say our relationship became more involved. Soon after that I was flying him to meet me at different places every other weekend; a weekend in Orlando,  a weekend in Mobile, a weekend in Pensacola, New Yews in New Orleans and occasionally I would fly into San Antonio to see him.  Our relationship had become more then that of friends. I had met his daughters. My stigma for him had disappeared. I saw the way he loved and cared for his kids and the awesome father he was.  He would drop anything for them.  A true family man.  I could see myself in a long term relationship with him. I knew the reason for his divorce. He was the victim of a cheating wife.
He then found out that he would be deploying out to Iraq in a couple of months. And I was faced with the decision to stay in the long distance relationship or take some time off from work and see what happens.  Well to try to make this very long story a little shorter. I took the time off and we had an amazing few months before his deployment.  We talked about our future together, marriage and even children.  Note: I never wanted kids until I met him. 
We went through a tough year long deployment. I kept my sanity my constantly sending him packages and emails. I tried to stay in contact with his daugthers, we had formed a very good bond during the time before my husband left. But a week after he had left I had accompanied his mother and brother to a cheer function of his daughters in Houston. His ex-wife told the lawyers I tried to kidnap the youngest. She prevented me from having anything to do with the kids.  Also, unfortunately during that time I was unable to go back to my job in Alabama. I was given the opportunity to go back right before he left but didn't take it at his request. So I was stuck in San Antonio during a very bad job market.  I had to settle for a job that paid hourly and only made a very small fraction of what I was before.  I savings dwindled and my stocks took a very hard hit and haven't recovered. But the upside to me at that point was that we got married during his leave.  I was a new bride. 
We married in July of '09 and he returned from Iraq that following Oct.  It was a very hard transition.  He did what he knew when he came back. He was a devoted father.  That's when I started to see that I had no marriage, no partner, no husband.  We were newly weds and didn't have any time to ourself. We had his kids every weekend. And during the week when his ex-wife would dictate. Then I saw another side of him. One I had never seen before. His ex-wife controlled him through his kids. She knows the type of man he is and she plays it to her full advantage. Note: My Husbands father left their family when he was a child and never had anything to do with him and his brother.  He vowed he would never be a father like that.
I try to show him what she is doing but he refuses to see. We argued (and still do) constantly. Why do I just do like she asks? I wasn't going to let her run me.
He says it is better that his daughter is with us and not her because of the type of influence she is on his daughter.  Which I agree.  His ex-wifes social life is number one and if he doesn't take his daughter she end up staying home for the most part alone. Her 17 year old sister (not his, but considers her his daughter) is supposed to be watching her but usually leaves.  
I got pregnant in Dec. And extremely sad to say I miscarried. I was a very traumatic day for me; it was a friday. I wanted to be home alone with my husband over the weekend and grieve. He said he couldn't do that and he wasn't going to miss out on time with his kids. He left me there alone.  I cried and had never felt so alone in my life. He later returned with his kids and proceeded to laugh and carry on in the living room while I lay in tears in the bedroom.  
About a month later the oldest had a ceremony at her school. I was told that a parent would to be escorting and present the student.  It turned out I sat alone and watched as my husband and his ex-wife and kids paraded across the stage as a nice happy family; joking and having fun together.  I couldn't take it anymore.
I fell (and to some point still am) into depression and attempted suicide. I failed. 
We have been married a year and a half now and this pattern with his ex-wife continues. He feels I am the reason our marriage is failing. If I would just do what she asks everything would be ok.  He has distanced himself from me. We don't communicate. I don't want a divorce. I just want change. I don't know what to do. 
Kozpac Kozpac 31-35 26 Responses Feb 9, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

Never

I am so sorry. I too am a second wife and honestly, it isnt easy. I am 4 months pregnant and my husband was hiding it from his ex wife to protect her feelings as she controls access to his 6 year old daughter. I feel second all the time, his entire family had nothing nice to say about the pregnancy, and even said my baby shouldn't be as important as the first. No Child should be more important than another. The entire situation is miserable and some days I honestly just want to run away from these people. I love my husband and love our unborn baby, but his ex wife's feelings always coming first is too much. She even requested I not be in my own home when he talks on the phone or Skypes with his daughter. I hope things get better for you as I know how upsetting feeling second is.

Hi. In the biblical perspective, a man is supposed to love his wife as christ loved the church. This means prioritising her above all else, cherishing her and being actively involved in her welfare and growth. Your husband's kids are priorities over you. I am in the same situation. In everything he does and every decision he makes, I am placed second. I don't have an answer for you except to pray. God knows that what he is doing is wrong and God will bring the solution. Just keep praying and trusting God.

Hi,

I know what you mean about not marrying a man with children. I met my husband when I was vulnerable and my mother was dying. I continued seeing him before we got married and there were issues with his children then. They were in their late teens at the time. They would come around when we were going out together and waste time so I would'nt have a good day. So what did I do kept going out with him. I must have been a masochist. I am married now and know I will be a stranger when they do come around to visit him for the rest of my married life.
I will never be able to mix with them socially and if things go wrong it will be my fault. I have had arguments with my husband about them which have made things worse because of frustration and knocking my head against a brick wall. If they come to the house in the future I will have to make myself scarce or look for something to do. I don't have any immediate family anymore so am completely alone which makes things easier for them.

Janvera

I had the same experience with you now .. he choose his ex to control him over his kids and I can not interfer about anything that his daugther or son
specialy when it comes about finance and being mentaly abused with his harsh words is just additional bonus I got on this marriage.
Seems that its worthless to stay

You deserve someone better. If you meet someone who has been married before make sure his kids are almost out of school. Another realization, he will not leave you a cent in his will as all will go to his kids. Meet a great guy! There are so many decent tasty fish in the sea. Xx hope all works out for you!

You want to change him.

He wants to change you.

Remember one thing, whenever you decide to marry a man with his kids make sure that- he has got divorced legally & emotionally from his ex-wife... or-else don't marry him...

Have you tried couples therapy? How about taking the kid(s?) with you on a month long vacation? He might see that it is much better without his ex wife's interference. Ask his mother to talk to him, subtly. Or you can try to have a baby again, or if you're really sick and tired of it all, leave him. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, as the saying goes.

Don't waist your life the time it will give to you better man he don't deserve you is hard if you keep waiting you can do it but he won't change the years pass and we became old

Just Get back to Jesus and your Job everything will be fine!

man with kids is always a problem, leave him and be happy without his kids and ex. do not waste your life on them.

I feel for you as I am in a similar situation. Only he has 2 ex-wives and 2 sets of kids who the ex's use to control him. He lives for his kids and I have accepted that. I am unable to have children and sometimes struggle with it, but have decided to make the best of the situation - I have his 4 kids in my life and don't need any more. However, it is difficult for me to be in their lives without any actual say/backup in their life paths, lifestyle or discipline. It is also difficult for me to live my life around these other womens' social lives.

I have kept my good job and work away from home often. While it is difficult being away from him and the kids, it gives me a break from the drama, an out when I need to get away and my own life without them.

It sounds bad, but try to have your own life. Do things you enjoy and that make you feel proud to be yourself. Even take a job for which you will be away from home often. You will find that it either works or it doesn't. Life is too precious and wonderful to spend it unhappy with your situation. If something makes you unhappy, change it.

Even though your post is dated long back and you would have move ahead by this time; it would be always good to remember the experience you have learned. Thank God that you had a miscarriage; else you would have regretted having a child out of this relationship.

I think you can have control of your life, still married to him, you have to make the change and not for him to change for your change "your change", your life is more important, weakness comes and we feel like the victims, but that is not the option. Dont give up. I am going through a similar situation, but what keeps me encouraged is that I am the most important pla<x>yer in the game, and I am sure about that, dont discuss about their children, always respect them, dont follow stupid arguments with him or the ex wife. Seek for what you want not what he wants, he will eventually realize that and maybe it will be too late for him, dont give up, if you love him show him, if he does not love you that is not your problem, you have a good heart and that is what counts, enjoy life, dont depend on anyone to be happy, love your self, your body, pray, meditate, excercise, go out with friends, you do not have to prove anyone who you are, prove your self, that is the only person who wants answers, your self. There is no way to happines, happines is the way. Good luck and pray, pray, pray!

Wise words! Your advice put things in perspective for me as well. Thank you.

You are a drama queen. <br />
<br />
You may not like me for telling you the truth, but women like you are so pathetic. An independent, educated, professional sister like yourself! How ******* dare you let a man be your reason for living and then your reason for dying?<br />
<br />
If I were your friend or family I'd smack the **** out of you, and yes our friendship would be over, but I couldn't stand to see you falling into a shadow of your former self. Where are your friends, family, support network? Chill with them instead of watching him enjoy his life while you're just waste away. I had an aunt who let my uncles treatment of her kill her, and she died young... Forty one of a broken heart. She's a sainted woman, but saints are dead. If your waiting for him to feel sorry for your misery, think again. <br />
<br />
Reduce his role in your life. Keep jogging, join clubs, if you're a believer, join a church. It's not the fact that you married a man with children, it's the fact that you married the wrong man. Stop being depressed, and ruining your looks. Changes are you're aging and depreciating. Keep your looks up (men are very visual) and move on. He will have gained respect for you, when you grow a spine. No one really wants a doormat. Don't be a doormat. <br />
<br />
I know it hurts you, and I am sorry for that, but its a blessing in disguise that you didn't have children with that selfish son of a *****. God is freeing you up to move on, so take the hint, stop being a victim and move on! And don't say **** else about his ex-wife. Don't hate the pla<x>yer, hate the game. It's not her fault that she has forgotten things you haven't even learned yet about handling him.

Lawdy! This is the best post I've read in a long time. Bang on! Thank you! Made my day! Wise words.

Just know that you are not alone. I am going through the same agonazing stuff. In addition he is 25 years older than me. Yesterday was a last drop when he told me that he will leave me or wants me to get out of his life if I ask his daughters to clean dishes after they eat. I am so tired. I gave up so much for this relationship and I am determined to get out at any price. Remember that nobody will help us we have to help ourselves. I wish your situation work out to the best. So far my advice is to leave this person, to be strong, to pass it over. I know what I am talking about because I experience the same things that you do. We deserve to be happy as any other person in this world.

As I can see here being outside of the pictue right now, I hope this is not too easy for me o ay... but with all the things tha you have been going through, emotionally, feeling alone and even not coforted when you miscarried. Isn't it about time to really hink of divorcing him and get back to your oldhappy self, earning a low sixfigure?<br />
You have the right to be happy. He is happy with his ex wife and specially his children. <br />
I am almost in the same situation. He has 4 grown up children from a previous marriage. His ex wife has always manipulated him as his mother and older sister had told me. She uses their children to get money from him and that has been an off and on thing point of argument.<br />
With all these happening, I am challenging myself that by the time I will have a good work, I will save for my 8 year old daughter, secure our futures.<br />
It has seemed that he doesn't want to lose his children because of the divorce and the way he lets them feel his love is through sending them money. They are actually over 18 years old already.<br />
Anways...<br />
Go back to being your old happy self, do activities that you once enjoyed efore you got married. Have that old job, save for tips, each andevery year.<br />
Be rich and don't let him know.<br />
Enjoy life too hort to waste on a man who still lives in the past.<br />
He is weak and you deserve so much better ~hugs~

I read your story and it is so sad. You are at best the 3rd person in this relationship. He definitely is still connected emotionally with his ex. Perhaps even still in love with her. You cannot win in this situation. I encourage you to gain your strength emotionally back and close this chapter to your life. Not showing any kind of emotion to you when you lost a baby proves that he is not emotionally connected to you. As hard as that is to hear, you know it in your heart probably. I encourage you to listen to your head and not your heart. You deserve so much better. If your in a state of depression, he has brought you there. Be good to yourself. You are better than that. I wish i had listened to my head and not my heart during my second marriage. I wasted almost 20 years of my life before I said enough is enough. I can't get those 20 years back. They are gone forever.

I can definitely feel your pain in all this<br />
I will pray for Divine intervention in this matter

Sadly, he's lied to himself so much that he's capable of living with it. He IS abandoning his children, just like his father did. A real father would go to the ends of the earth to protect his children. He's only doing what he feels comfortable with, just like when his father left. <br />
<br />
He's obviously not a real father or he'd be just as devastated about the loss of HIS child. <br />
<br />
He actually likes to be controlled by his ex, and that is why he refuses to put a stop to it. He enjoys being able to give in, he enjoys having someone dictate his life for him, and he enjoys giving up the responsibility of his daughter's future. The reason he hasn't filed for custody is not because he doesn't want to upset the child. It's because he's incapable of being a real father, and everything that goes into it. He has no concern over his daughter's safety or he'd be at his ex's house taking the girl away as soon as he found out she's home alone. He'd be reporting his ex to child PROTECTIVE services before something terrible happens.<br />
The reason he insists that he's right is because he's in denial and there's nothing you can do about it. If you leave him he'll most likely not care. He may say the words, just like he's been doing, but there won't be anything there to back them up. <br />
<br />
There's nothing you can do for people like this except cut your losses. It hurts so bad that you may feel like killing yourself just to get away from the pain, but in the end that won't matter to them either. He's broken inside, and until he gets help HIMSELF and breaks out of his denial spiral, he'll never be a man or a father or a husband.<br />
<br />
You deserve to be happy. If you don't want a divorce you can still cut your losses and move on. Accept that he's incapable of being what you need him to be because he's broken, get some help for yourself and exclude him from it so you can heal without being drug down, and move on with your life. Enjoy the children while you can before they go off to college. Get involved with children's groups like Big Brother Big Sister (they always need good role models with college/career lives to show children what's out there). Volunteer at the library or start your own Reading Time for toddlers. Take up a craft hobby so that you have something beautiful to love after all that hard work.

There are better people out there. There are men who can start anew with you who would be single and free like you would be if you were to let go of this man and the bad company of his ex-wife!

I just read your post and it brought tears to my eyes because I feel so close to your situation. I feel like an outsider and an outcast at my home and sometimes I feel like I am treated as if I have no feelings. I always have to be aware of every one else's feelings, but no one looks out for mine. Are you still on here? How are things going now?

I would, in your shoes, want a divorce. Please don't be depressed. Remember you had a great life BEFORE you met him. You absolutely can have a great life after him. Perhaps you should start thinking of the steps to you need to take to rebuild a new life. That's just my thoughts and suggestions. You, of course, have to make your own decisions but I've been in that situation (in the past thankfully!) and know what it's like.

We've gone through two marriage counselors and are on our third. They have advised us of the same things. My husband doesn't agree. He feels he knows best when it comes to handling his ex. So we change who we see. I think this pattern will stay the same until we find someone who agrees with him. My husband refuses to believe he is in anyway wrong. He has convinced himself that doing whatever she wants him to do is ok because somewhere down the line it is good for his daughter. It is clear his biggest fear is not seeing his daughter. But he will not file for custody and expose all that his ex does because it will hurt his daughter and that means there is a big chance she will be upset with him and he does want that either. I feel trapped in something that will never change. <br />
<br />
I did everything the way I thought I was supposed to; college, career, marriage, kids. But it has all blown up in my face. No more career. Previous life style completely gone. Failing marriage. and a miscarriage with no support from my husband what so ever. I got a comment from him that he thinks kids for us wouldn't be a good idea because he doesn't want his daughter to be jealous. Or to take any attention away from her. So it looks like my chances to ever be a mother are gone.

as you said at the end you don't want a divorce, just change-please seek help from an outsider, analyze, discuss and find solutions together with your partner-If he wants the same as you, you'll find a solution.