How Do You Leave When He Is Sick?

I've been married 11 years and have two beautiful children (5 & 7). You would think I could be happy just because my kids are happy and healthy but I want...more. My husband was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 6 years ago and has become a shell of a person. He sleeps for hours on end, is constantly moody, always complains about his illness and is basically not a nice person 95% of the time. When he does feel good he doesn't spend that time with his family - he goes out with his friends and drinks which is not a good thing for a person with MS. After his night out he is sicker than usual and even more miserable. I want to leave but financially cannot afford it at this point - maybe when the kids are older. I also feel extreme guilt because don't you vow to be there in sickness and health? Does it make me a horrible person that I cannot just accept my lot in life? I'm not going to say my marriage was perfect before his diagnosis but at least then we had flashes of happiness - now it is constant misery. I want happiness, love and companionship. I guess that is enough of my complaining - it felt good to put it out there. Any thoughts are welcome.
natashasonja natashasonja
36-40, F
16 Responses May 4, 2012

i feel like crying for you,that sounds like a life sentence of misery,i wasted all my good years in a miserable marriage,i hated coming home from work,i would figure out how to get out,you sound like an awesom person and should have happiness

Yes you take that oath but if he isnt holding up his end then I believe your off the hook. If he is feeling better and he is out drinking with his buddies and not spending the time with you and the kids. Then he is telling you that his friends are more important then You or the kids. his priorities are ****** up.

I feel your pain and I know that it would fill you with guilt, but I feel you are entitled to have a discreet affair to fill that void in your life. If, he can find the time to go out and drink with friends, then you are entitled to some respite time away from him. Caring for a MS patient is very demanding and some are grateful and others just have pent up anger and take it out on others. If he is understanding at all, he will realize you need some down time. Wishing you all the best.

you should listen to your heart and take firm decisions that will not hurt or ruin anyone around you!!!!!

if you cant find ways to change the cards you're dealt with; find ways to make most of what you already have.

wow. that's a tough one to swallow. I think no matter what, even if he was healthy, leaving a marriage is always going to have some guilt attached to it. I've thought many times about leaving mine. You on the other hand have it twices as hard as I am sure you feel like the caregiver as well. You want things we all want. I guess you are the only one who can decide when you have truly had enough and are ready to leave. Question though, Do the kids have a good relationship with their father? that too would make another part of this a hard choice.

Hmm... look at it this way, when you were in his shoes and he left, how would you feel? I understand your point of view and you should indeed don't waste your life like this, but in my opinion, it's kinda wrong.

Yes ... you need to move on.. and live your life to the fullest.. living with a sick person can make you sick as well..

Well I guess there are 2 sides to the story, as there always is. We never really know anothers personal issues and struggles, unless we are that person. With that in mind, many people do live on and on in those kinds of situations with very ill or terminally ill partners, the suffering for those must be horrendous. He is probably as despaired as you, and doesn't know how to manage it. These situations are so destructive. For all concerned. The rest of the family as well. You are clearly spiralling down the path of self destruction unless you deal with things. To do that you need to take charge now, not later, now take control of you future with some considertaion for him. Plan your future, carefully, from today, slowly work through things ahead as best you can, as much considered as possible, instead if letting it all control you. If you set a goal, set your mind to it and start. Once you are working on your goal plan, that is where you mind will be, doing what needs to be done, instead of worrying about it, that is destructive and wastefull. From what you have written, I suggest you are very capable and able to get on with it to get to where you want to be in an emotional sense. Good luck.

Get out now. You only have one chance in life. I've been a caretaker for 11 years

you need to talk to him, get him involved with a group. Also, need to seperate those issues which are part of what you value and ask yourself if it is the lack of respect because he is sick.<br />
I can understand how it would be miserable, but talk with him, tell him how you feel and his nights out with his buddies is robbing his family of what good times there are available to you all. Anyhow, just my two cents, also, might talk with a lady on here who has MS, she might be able to give you some pointers. Grace2bhappy, she is a very friendly person and is more than willing to share her experience.

Wow I am sorry for how difficult you have it.Listen you have a right to complain and get it out all you want.I will listen to it all.Tough situation for sure,hang in there.

I can definitely relate to your story, and I struggle with some of the same issues. My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years, and she suffers from a chronic nerve diease. What started as a tingle in her left hand years ago gradually turned into full-body, excruciating pain 24/7. Her life (and by extension, my life) has become nothing but a neverending series of doctor's appointments, meds and procedures. It has killed many aspects of our marriage and, like you, I struggle with feelings of guilt for sometimes wanting to leave her. Like you, I took my vows seriously and feel a lot of guilt over wanting to get out of the marriage. "In sickness and in health" was the promise I made, but I find myself daydreaming about what my life would be like without her. I feel stuck in a bad situation, and I'm not sure what to do either. I want a happy life, and I am not sure if I can have one with her. But, there is no one else to take care of her other than me. I am 100% stuck. I am here for you if you feel like comparing notes sometime.

That is so tough, I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for you. Hang in there, only you will be able to figure out what is best for you.

Dear soul<br />
<br />
Ever since God kikked us out of the garden there is no true happiness in this life. If you leave it will be even more misery. Times like these just talk to Jesus and ask Him to be near you to help you through all this. We have to work to get back to the garden and part of getting back to the garden is accepting the crosses He gives us because those are the crosses that make us think about going back to be with God. Be with someone that loves u in heaven with happiness or choose to be with someone that is miserable in hell that hates you. Don't doubt that God has a great plan for you, me and everyone, we just need to follow Him.

add me please!