I Am Unhappy In My Marriage And Don't Know What To Do
When my husband and I first met I was very upfront about my mental issues and my past experiences ( relationships and abuse) some of which had left permanent scarring but I was attending therapy and for the amount of trauma I had experienced in life my therapists said I was high functioning. That aside my husband was okay with this, he said he would be my stable rock and I could recover.
We started dating but I soon found out he had been keeping things from me. Now I didn't mind the secrets at first because they were done out of fear of rejection and I could understand that emotion, but I also recognized that it was a fear that has to be overcome by facing it. So i had him face his fears and open up to me, however the unexpected outcome was the first step in ruining the relationship. He had been a virgin and had some mental family issues, all of which he had kept from me. Once he told me I thought it was over and we could move on together, however he started to blame me for his failing to disclose his virginity and he began to punish me for having previously had sexual partners. He also began to pit me against his mother and refused to take my side when she would act out against me in some form or another. At first he did it unconsciously, he didn't show it and didn't actively blame me. However over time he started to consciously punish me and in essence degrade me, making me feel like a horrible person. My therapist tried to help me but I refused to blame my husband. Due to my previous scarring I tried to blame my health issues (Celiac's disease which I hadn't figured out yet) and metal health issues (severe episodic depression). After discovering the celiac's and realizing I needed to take better care of myself. I began to and at this same time we became engaged. He had been there for me for the celiac's and I thought it was because of him. My own strength and courage was shadowed by his constant emotional abuse. I can look back now and realize he increased the stress put on me and his emotional neglect forced me to seek more medical attention and solve the underlying health issue I'd had for years.
Now we're engaged, his parents openly to our faces ask us if it's a joke, a prank we're playing on them. I should have seen that as a red flag but I did it to spite them with my husband. At this point I am starting to see the emotional abuse they have and are continuing to inflict on my husband. I stand up to them about it but my husband sides with them. So i back off after being cornered. He blames me then for their abuse. Wedding approaches, I almost back out 3 separate times, but the matron of honor keeps talking me back into it after talking to my husband. Only found out about it after the last talk. I realize this too late and end up marrying my husband.
Not to get overly negative, my husband is a sweet guy, he had many redeeming qualities, he is good at taking care of me physically, he is good at telling me the truth about my physical health. He is great at making me laugh, good sex, and we share many of the same life values.
However, he loses his temper over small trifles, he is emotionally abusive, when I try to communicate an issue he turns the conversation in a pity fest for himself and I have to be his stable rock. He has some sexual issues related to his virginity that play out horribly in the bedroom and have started to leave deep scars on me. He has also begun to be more verbally abusive, at first he blamed his speech impediment, then the speech impediment and his lack of social skills, now its his speech impediment, social skills, and his lack of experience. Can I say that I am growing weary of the excuses? yet he continues to say things he knows will hurt me and them plays the innocent that does not know how he has hurt me.
I came to this relationship ready for marriage and compromise, yet after becoming married realize the relationship has required me to compromise far too much of myself? I have become exhausted from being miserable and even after more therapy and soul-searching I realize it may realistically be time to file for a divorce and move on from this relationship? I have no clue what to do at this point. Marriages require work from both parties. I have put in work, sweat, blood and tears. My husband comes up with more excuses not to put in any work. He refuses to try therapy, makes promises to try harder to stay positive and ends up only voicing more negative sentiments. DBT and my strong emotional intelligence have been used up. I would like to know that I am not giving up too soon. But five years together and 1 year of marriage later I feel like I have only married into more problems. I realize unhealthy people attract more unhealthy people. I have become more healthy since the start of the relationship. My husband is a different story. Am I wrong to want a divorce or a separation at least?
We started dating but I soon found out he had been keeping things from me. Now I didn't mind the secrets at first because they were done out of fear of rejection and I could understand that emotion, but I also recognized that it was a fear that has to be overcome by facing it. So i had him face his fears and open up to me, however the unexpected outcome was the first step in ruining the relationship. He had been a virgin and had some mental family issues, all of which he had kept from me. Once he told me I thought it was over and we could move on together, however he started to blame me for his failing to disclose his virginity and he began to punish me for having previously had sexual partners. He also began to pit me against his mother and refused to take my side when she would act out against me in some form or another. At first he did it unconsciously, he didn't show it and didn't actively blame me. However over time he started to consciously punish me and in essence degrade me, making me feel like a horrible person. My therapist tried to help me but I refused to blame my husband. Due to my previous scarring I tried to blame my health issues (Celiac's disease which I hadn't figured out yet) and metal health issues (severe episodic depression). After discovering the celiac's and realizing I needed to take better care of myself. I began to and at this same time we became engaged. He had been there for me for the celiac's and I thought it was because of him. My own strength and courage was shadowed by his constant emotional abuse. I can look back now and realize he increased the stress put on me and his emotional neglect forced me to seek more medical attention and solve the underlying health issue I'd had for years.
Now we're engaged, his parents openly to our faces ask us if it's a joke, a prank we're playing on them. I should have seen that as a red flag but I did it to spite them with my husband. At this point I am starting to see the emotional abuse they have and are continuing to inflict on my husband. I stand up to them about it but my husband sides with them. So i back off after being cornered. He blames me then for their abuse. Wedding approaches, I almost back out 3 separate times, but the matron of honor keeps talking me back into it after talking to my husband. Only found out about it after the last talk. I realize this too late and end up marrying my husband.
Not to get overly negative, my husband is a sweet guy, he had many redeeming qualities, he is good at taking care of me physically, he is good at telling me the truth about my physical health. He is great at making me laugh, good sex, and we share many of the same life values.
However, he loses his temper over small trifles, he is emotionally abusive, when I try to communicate an issue he turns the conversation in a pity fest for himself and I have to be his stable rock. He has some sexual issues related to his virginity that play out horribly in the bedroom and have started to leave deep scars on me. He has also begun to be more verbally abusive, at first he blamed his speech impediment, then the speech impediment and his lack of social skills, now its his speech impediment, social skills, and his lack of experience. Can I say that I am growing weary of the excuses? yet he continues to say things he knows will hurt me and them plays the innocent that does not know how he has hurt me.
I came to this relationship ready for marriage and compromise, yet after becoming married realize the relationship has required me to compromise far too much of myself? I have become exhausted from being miserable and even after more therapy and soul-searching I realize it may realistically be time to file for a divorce and move on from this relationship? I have no clue what to do at this point. Marriages require work from both parties. I have put in work, sweat, blood and tears. My husband comes up with more excuses not to put in any work. He refuses to try therapy, makes promises to try harder to stay positive and ends up only voicing more negative sentiments. DBT and my strong emotional intelligence have been used up. I would like to know that I am not giving up too soon. But five years together and 1 year of marriage later I feel like I have only married into more problems. I realize unhealthy people attract more unhealthy people. I have become more healthy since the start of the relationship. My husband is a different story. Am I wrong to want a divorce or a separation at least?
By:
Toocutekitty24
Age:
26-30
,
Female
