I Dont Know How It Has Come To This

I am just so lost in the many many emotions I am currently feeling. I feel as though my friends have heard it all and I am getting to the point where I am just repeating myself over and over again which I can see becoming irritating. I just dont know what the best decision is or what to do. I am stuck. I do not want to feel like I am giving up and on the other hand I dont want to be that idiot girl who is hanging on to something that is not healthy or going to change.

I get so heated too when any of my friends are not being treated they should but yet I allow myself to be treated the way I shouldnt be. I mean I always stand up for myself and that is why some of the issues have developed and become more of a problem. I started putting my foot down and not allowing him to get away with things anymore. So by me not being a push over it has worsened our relationship.

When I first started putting my foot down it was a shock to myself and him as well I think. It was the beginning of my being led down this path of not caring as much. Whenever he would do something I wouldnt beg for an apology or even approach him until he came to me. That just created a drift in between us. I mean it is absolutely ridiculous for me to have to initiate conversation about a situation that I had nothing to do with. It is not my responsibility to get someone to repent for their OBVIOUS mistakes. I, on the other hand have had some extreme patience and tried my dam-nest to be a forgiving person. I am not saying I am perfect but I had this unconditional love for a man who clearly did not feel the same intensity I did.

So pretty much I am tired of being the one doing the chasing. I want to chased for once in my life. I dont want to have to track someone down to work things out and apolgize for what they have done to me. It got this point where after I went days without talking to him after he wrecked my car due to drinking and driving in broad daylight I realized he truly just didnt give a ****. So I decided that I was going to start living for myself. I was going to make myself happy.I was going to do whatever I wanted and in way this was to ultimately protect my heart. I am tired of being hurt. Somewhere around or after this time is when I slowly started to fall out of love. I distanced myself from him and at first he did not care. In fact I am pretty sure he liked it. Once he realized that I was living for myself and not paying attention to him then he got angry and upset. I want to feel like someone's special person. I want someone who hurts and feel bad when they do to upset and apologizes for it. I mean are humans and all of us are bound to make mistakes here and there and have our off days. I just dont think I am asking for too much or having too high of standards. I just want someone to care the same about me as I do for them.

So now I am to this point. We both have no clue if we are going to continue living life this way. We are not sure whether parting ways is best or continuing to battle things out and work through it would be a better choice. It hurts to be faced with a decision like. I truely thought this person was made for me. and maybe that may be the case. I thought he was my soul mate but maybe he was put on this planet to be a huge influence in my life but just not forever.

<3 me
letsbefearless letsbefearless
22-25, F
Dec 5, 2012