I Dont Think I Love My Husband Anymore
This is going to be the first time that I am publicly able to say what I feel and not worry about having my head chewed off.
My husband and I have been married for seven years, we have 4 children. To the outside world it seems we have the "perfect marriage". I think people look at us and tend to forget that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Just writing this makes me want to cry. I don’t hate him, but I don't love him. I know that he will do anything to make me happy, but at the same time he can do things to make me sad as well. He changed, I guess we both did. He used to be this incredible guy who wouldn’t hurt a fly. Then he turned into this screaming and angry person. Sometimes the children can see this. He always comes back and apologizes for it, but I am over the apologizing. When we are alone and he tries to be intimate with me, I feel uneasy. I literally have to tell myself to relax and to smile so that he can not see the discomfort on my face.
We used to be so close, and do everything as a family. He loved family so much that you couldn’t help but to love yours and to want that same passion. Somewhere down the line that changed. He started making excuses to not go on family trips. I would end up going alone with the children (who were young at the moment). It was hard to do the family trips with 2 little ones and a set of twins. I would express this to him and he would promise to join on the next trip. The next trip would come and it would be "oh let's do it another time", or "I'm tired from work". At this point we both worked so if I could do it I didn’t understand why he couldn’t. However to accommodate him I would reschedule or cancel all together. I started to reset it without really realizing it. Then one day it just hit me how unhappy I was.
I started looking at him like he was someone I didn’t know. We got to a point where we were living separate lives. I had stated thinking of myself as single. I started realizing that because he didn’t notice me, didn’t mean I did not exist. I started feeling like I could breathe. I was losing weight, eating healthier, (because during the time I was unhappy I gained a lot of weight). I went from a size 8 to double digits. RIDICULOUS!!!! I was happy and everyone could see it. I finally broke down and spoke to my mom about my unhappiness. Her advice was he is a good guy, you should stay with him. No one saw a reason for me to leave, saying that if I was unhappy then go on a vacation and when I return all would be better.
In the beginning of 2010 he lost his job and we were forced to face the problems in or marriage. You would think this would make it better, but it didn’t. I told him what was wrong and how it made me feel. His response was if we were intimate more things would be better. It just solidified that I was not happy in his marriage and that I would much rather be his friend than his wife. I want to leave but it would mean tearing the family apart and facing my family with their wagging fingers. I guess I wonder if I can really start over and not regret this decision.