Lonely In My Marriage And Tired..
I have been married for 12 years. My husband is a high school graduate and works in Law Enforcement. I have a Masters Degree and work in COrporate High tech company in a management level position. I make more than 2x my husband's salary. We have two children, ages 4 and 6. We have been having marital issues with increasing intensitity since my youngest was born. My husband is moody and prone to being impatient and grumpy. He isn't affectionate or loving, unless he wants sex. We haven't slept in the same bed for 4 years. We rarely go on "date nights" , unless I plan them. We rarely hold hands, talk about anything other than logisitcs of taking care of the kids. My husband is passive aggressive. He is probably depressed as well. I have been to his Dr with him and we have done couples counseling and indiviudal therapy. He was put on a mood stabilizer and antidepressant but threw them out saying they didn't help him. He has said he will never go to counseling again. I have been told repeatedly that his childhood was so horrid that he has "attachement issues" and issues with his mother and Father was an alcoholic. I have tried counseling myself, I am on a mild anti anxiety medication and I exercise, have good support systems and hobbies. In short, I take care of myself but my husband does not. He also chews tobacco, will not go to the dentist- hasn't been in 5 years. I have screamed at this man, I have begged and pleaded for him to change. I have read books, I have tried to change myself to be "perfect". He spends money on himself like crazy, he piles on credit card debt and then gets depressed and moody because we have bills to pay. When I bring to his attention how he makes me feel, he tells me "you took what I said the wrong way". When I mention that our relationship has changed and ask for insight, he can only respond that "he doesn't know" what happened. He is a good father, loves his kids, doesn't drink or cheat that I know of but somehow I think I am supposed to be adored and loved more than I am. I work really hard to make our marriage work and now I am just tired. I can't seem to muster up any energy to bring up the good or bad in our relationship. I have no energy to put any effort into talking about our relationship anymore. I keep waiting for a sign to leave, or stay. I can't understand why this decision is so difficult. Seems that others have it so bad that in my family, this relationship isn't so terrible. Why do I feel so empty and lonely and tired??