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Lonely In My Marriage And Tired..

I have been married for 12 years. My husband is a high school graduate and works in Law Enforcement. I have a Masters Degree and work in COrporate High tech company in a management level position. I make more than 2x my husband's salary. We have two children, ages 4 and 6. We have been having marital issues with increasing intensitity since my youngest was born. My husband is moody and prone to being impatient and grumpy. He isn't affectionate or loving, unless he wants sex. We haven't slept in the same bed for 4 years. We rarely go on "date nights" , unless I plan them. We rarely hold hands, talk about anything other than logisitcs of taking care of the kids.  My husband is passive aggressive. He is probably depressed as well. I have been to his Dr with him and we have done couples counseling and indiviudal therapy. He was put on a mood stabilizer and antidepressant but threw them out saying they didn't help him. He has said he will never go to counseling again. I have been told repeatedly that his childhood was so horrid that he has "attachement issues" and issues with his mother and Father was an alcoholic.  I have tried counseling myself, I am on a mild anti anxiety medication and I exercise, have good support systems and hobbies. In short, I take care of myself but my husband does not. He also chews tobacco, will not go to the dentist- hasn't been in 5 years.  I have screamed at this man, I have begged and pleaded for him to change. I have read books, I have tried to change myself to be "perfect". He spends money on himself like crazy, he piles on credit card debt and then gets depressed and moody because we have bills to pay.  When I bring to his attention how he makes me feel, he tells me "you took what I said the wrong way". When I mention that our relationship has changed and ask for insight, he can only respond that "he doesn't know" what happened. He is a good father, loves his kids, doesn't drink or cheat that I know of but somehow I think I am supposed to be adored and loved more than I am. I work really hard to make our marriage work and now I am just tired. I can't seem to muster up any energy to bring up the good or bad in our relationship. I have no energy to put any effort into talking about our relationship anymore. I keep waiting for a sign to leave, or stay. I can't understand why this decision is so difficult. Seems that others have it so bad that in my family, this relationship isn't so terrible. Why do I feel so empty and lonely and tired??
jzawko jzawko 41-45 10 Responses Jun 23, 2010

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I am going through the some thing but mine is cheating on me he rather be in the streets in at home so what do I do.

I completely understand how you feel as I am on that same boat. I've been married for 16 years but feel like my happier days were the first 2 years. We have 3 kids and I have a better relationship with all 3 minus hubby. I get blame for pretty much everything. He doesn't do well with communication, especially with me. I try so hard but it's useless. But if we have an argument he blames me by saying, "if something happens (meaning divorce) it's YOUR fault, you hear me YOUR FAULT!" If he's in a great mood, comes home greeting the kids with excitement/joy, kisses me & all so great! But if he's tired, he comes home with a pouty look, no greeting, no kiss & just sulks. Mentally, physically & spiritually I'm exhausted & fear my future with him...

I am so lost and unhappy. We have been married for 27 years but not really living as a "married couple"for at least 10 years. Kids are in college and beyond. He travels alot so I am home alone (ok with that) and I care for my elderly parents. Glad I can do that but it really limits my ability to have alot of other outside contact. When husband is home all he cares about is what ever sport season is going on. Says he loves me but I feel he loves me like one of the kids or a sibling. That is exact;y how our marriage is. No romance, no connecting..nothing. He sleeps on the couch every night when he is home. He blames me for that because he snores sooooo loud all night. That of course is my fault. I know he has no interest in sex as I tried a couple of years ago to engage and he just went thru the motions but not really there. Not to mention that he has gained so much weight that I was suffocated. I have friends (some married as long as me and some younger) that have for whatever reason left their marriage and are so happy! I am jealous to hear that they are so happy and they have amazing sex. I want all that too. Hubby seems to be ok living like brother and sister. BTW he is a control freak and likes to know that he holds the reins to our marriage.

I totally get what you are saying. I am a professional and the one who takes care of the bills appointments and planning. I am so tired. I do not know how i became a caregiver and not a wife or companion. I love him and think hes as cool as hell but thats not enough i guess. Ive told him if he cant put as much time in me as he does his buddies and hobbies in the garage then im done. Although i think i could linger this out a few more years and wait on him to pull his head out of his butt im not sure things will be any different. Im 55 and wonder what will another 12 years look like.

You are living with a **** addict. If you want to know how to tell if your husband is addicted to **** there are 10 "signs" They are 1. busy 2. blaming 3. withhold love 4. withhold positive attention 5. withhold sex 6. angry/critical 7.complaining 8. controlling 9. lie 10. manipulate. They live in their own little world of sexual fantasy where they are always being "serviced and adored" in their heads. They don't do what normal people do to maintain a healthy relationship because the most important relationship to them is between them and "their Hand".

You are not alone. I've been married for 30 years and my husband has increasingly gotten mean, critical, and actually hateful. He's admitted at times that he has an anger problem (no hitting) - but he is often times moody and very standoffish. Our daughter, 23 has been a witness to his mood swings and mean temper. His words CUT like a knife....and our daughter stays away from him to protect her feelings. <br />
<br />
Yes, he has had affairs that I knew about and probably didn't know about. I tried to manage by eventually forgiving him, but he has always said that it was my fault because I didn't know how to 'seduce' him or entice him. He has been resentful of my education, and the salaries that I have earned. However, when it comes to spending on him - it makes him temporarily happy and then he finds fault in something else that I have done. <br />
<br />
Have I thought about leaving...about having an affair.....about a separation.....about divorce......about ignoring him while living in the same house......Yes to all of these. And one of these options I am going to choose. I've determined that the last half of my life...will not include living in turmoil, jealousy, mistrust and anguish. Peaceful companionship or being alone is what I will seek.<br />
<br />
To all that are suffering and in the same predicament - even if you have not been married or in a relationship as long as I - my advice is to NEVER let the years pass without reconciling your feelings and evaluating the situation that you are in. If you have children, they are watching your actions and responses; don't model a behavior that may become theirs.

You are not alone. I've been married for 30 years and my husband has increasingly gotten mean, critical, and actually hateful. He's admitted at times that he has an anger problem (no hitting) - but he is often times moody and very standoffish. Our daughter, 23 has been a witness to his mood swings and mean temper. His words CUT like a knife....and our daughter stays away from him to protect her feelings. <br />
<br />
Yes, he has had affairs that I knew about and probably didn't know about. I tried to manage by eventually forgiving him, but he has always said that it was my fault because I didn't know how to 'seduce' him or entice him. He has been resentful of my education, and the salaries that I have earned. However, when it comes to spending on him - it makes him temporarily happy and then he finds fault in something else that I have done. <br />
<br />
Have I thought about leaving...about having an affair.....about a separation.....about divorce......about ignoring him while living in the same house......Yes to all of these. And one of these options I am going to choose. I've determined that the last half of my life...will not include living in turmoil, jealousy, mistrust and anguish. Peaceful companionship or being alone is what I will seek.<br />
<br />
To all that are suffering and in the same predicament - even if you have not been married or in a relationship as long as I - my advice is to NEVER let the years pass without reconciling your feelings and evaluating the situation that you are in. If you have children, they are watching your actions and responses; don't model a behavior that may become theirs.

I also am in this aweful situation... not bad enough to leave, but also not good enough to stay. My husband cheated on me 2 years ago and has just been "existing " in our relationship. I had parents who divorced when I was young and do not want to cause the same on my own small children. I think I will stay with my husband for a few more years so my children can properly bond with my husband and then we will separate. I am working, taking care of my kids, and working. My husband works, but aside from the bills I have little help. There is no love or affection unless he wants sex. I am sorry to say that your situation is similar to a few women I know... When you find the solution maybe you could let me know...<br />
Sincerely, <br />
Lonely Too

i am in the same situation but i really believe that leaving will not solve these problems and separating your family should be a last resort. it will effect your children in a way that is not fair to them. <br />
you and i will still be lonely after a separation and your kids lives would be forever changed.<br />
a divorce (his parents) was actually the root of his lifelong battle with depression.

Sahira is right. When you are the only one working on your realtionship it is only a matter of time before it fails. Yours failed long ago. When someone digs in their heels it is over. In a good realtionship both people are actively working on things. One person can't do it all and should never have to. That sort of thing builds resentment.<br />
When you find yourself being in the postion of being exhausted from your relationship it is usually time to move on. For sure your kids see how he treats you and whether it shows or not it is impacting them.