What Would You Do?

So things in my marriage are going pretty good.  There are many things I am thankful for, and they reassure me that moving back to try again was worth it.  Things really are going to better and we are trying hard to ensure that it stays better.  But there are some things that aren't better, and it's hard to fix them.  It's also hard to confront my husband about them, cause things are good and I want to make sure he doesn't feel like I'm never happy with what he does.  (he feels that he can never please me at times)

I left because he was emotionally abusive to me and the kids.  He is now much, much better.  Things feel good, and light, and happy.  He doesn't get mad at them like he used to.  They seem relaxed and happy too.  The anger isn't there like it was.

I left because he always went out and it seemed that being a father/husband was a burden and he resented us.  He stays home with us now, and finds ways to have fun that way.  (he grew up and realized he wasn't 21!! and that having a family was more important than partying)

I left cause he was drinking too much.  He doesn't do that anymore.

I left because he had all kinds of 'friends' on facebook that were women and he shared very private things with them.  He no longer does that.  Or...  at least I don't think so.  He has blocked me from fb and when I bring it up he starts getting all huffy.  Makes you wonder, right?  I don't think he is back to the chatting with other women simply because he is not on his computer or his blackberry like he was before.  You can tell he's not chatting.  But I can not find him on fb to make him my friend, and when I said that to him, he said that I'm getting all paranoid about it.  Said he is thinking of getting off of fb all together because of 'my issues' over it.  So yes, I see his evasiveness as a problem.  But what do I do about that??  Make some sort of ultimatum?  Keep nagging him?  I'm not an idiot.  I see that I should be concerned.  But like I've said above, there are so many BIG things that are going right, that I don't know how to deal with this one.  It's not nothing, but it's not the end of the world either.

I'm not exactly 'unhappy in my marriage' overall anymore.  But what do I do about the parts that are not smoothed out?  We cut each other out of our fb accounts when things were bad.  I get that.  But if we are good now, shouldn't it be obvious that we don't cut each other out anymore?  
espressluv espressluv
31-35, F
3 Responses May 29, 2011

Facebook may have played a role in my situation. I'm sorry, not a big fan of facebook. I think you should have access to each others facebook account or better yet have one for both of you. Facebook is Okay if it is used to chat with old/new friends but it shouldn't be used for advice on personal issues. Those personal issues should be discussed between the two of you. I am so glad to hear a positive story about trying to fix a relationship. So many people find it easier to just give up.. I'm glad your still fighting. Lots of luck in your future....................

TFM - you are lucky that he did change it back. I"m sorry it's still a sore point. I'm not sure if I need to drag our ***** back to counselling for him to see that it is wrong to block me. Given history, I think both our husbands need to realize that it is their mistakes that have led to our need for utter openness. They have created the issue, and they need to respect that. My husband at least understands that though he didn't do anything he considered 'cheating', sharing yourself emotionally with another person is a form of cheating (and more so with women than men I think).<br />
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Thanks for your input TFM. Sending good thoughts.

My H and I have had issues with FB almost as soon as the profile was made. He too used FB inappropriately. He blocked me once and played games with me about it. Because I had access to his regular email account I found out that he had been talking intimatley with two women. I had enough and confronted him, as I'm sure you've read on my wall. I came clean on everything I knew...all the way back to the beginning of us. I told him that in order for "us" to work, I had to have total transparency in our marriage. No secrets, no lies, nothing off-limits like passwords and access to social networks. He agreed. He's got angry at me last week while I was out of town for questioning him on a friend's post. He changed his password. When I got home this week I told him that due to the history between us that I cannot live without total transparency and that he had to change his password back to what it was before. I told him if he had nothing to hide, then letting me have access shouldn't be an issue. I told him that I'm not digging for information or even looking at it every day but that if I wanted to look at it I should be able to since he used social networking to "cheat" on me in the past. Not many people would consider inappropriate chatting, emails and the like as cheating but in my book, anytime you give a part of yourself to another person whether verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically...that's cheating. It's robbing our marriage and cheating me of complete faithfulness. He changed his password back to what it was.