There Is No Intimacy, In Any Form, In My Marriage

My husband and I have become no more than roommates. While he seems perfectly content this has made me incredibly unhappy and sad to the point I am considering leaving. I don't want to live like this any longer. For many years we couldn't keep our hands off on another, always taking any opportunity to have sex but now....we have had sex exactly 5 times in the past 3 1/2 years. We talk about nothing of meaning, we don't cuddle or hold hands and it's been literally years since he has taken me out for dinner. He has grown distant and uninterested in improving our marriage. Last year I kept asking him to go away for a long weekend to work on our marriage. I read a couple of marriage books. He knew this but never once asked about them. Not once has he ever asked about what I learned or how we can make our marriage better and get back on track. As for going away for a weekend, the timing was never right, according to him. He couldn't take off work (he owns a business and works Monday thru Saturday). For a while I thought he was having an affair but I now know that isn't the case. He insists that it's not me and he will not go to a doctor to see if there is a medical issue with him. He just seems to be content with the situation.

At this point I have now checked out the this marriage. The current situation is not the way I want to live. I am still young and I want passion in my life. I want to feel wanted and desired. I want to sit across a candle light table and be told that I'm beautiful. I want romance and intimacy.
Moonwillow85 Moonwillow85
41-45, F
40 Responses Sep 17, 2011

I see what the problem is. Im a self analyser and people mind analyser. I have faced this situation myself. The fact here is it could be part of ypur earlier life problems or any type of addiction. Shyness which is not the usual shyness is also part of problem. Divorse is not a solution but an option. The horoscopes should be matching or at one point they wud lack interest and wanna let aloose. It has to dealt with by person to person through councelling and detailed analysis.I dont charge for it. But really don have lot of time to sort all. But whoever wants can genuinely approach me and i will in my own time start wworking for you. Its free service. But delayed. Paul_r_paul at yah dot co dot in

Hi Moonwillow.

I experience the same in my married life. Problem with me is After one year of marraige i relocated to Germany while my husband is still in native country .I feel there is lot of gap .We can only talk for 1 hour in night on skype. But i expect he should talk something romantic or atleast something which keeps the relationship alive. he simply explain what he did and then he ask about my day at work .. and finally wants to sleep(he is sleepy by that time ) .. its been 2 years now ,I am 28 , he is 32 . But i feel like he behaves as if he is 42 . i want his attention and love . But my make up , my dresses , my care , my passion for him nothing can buy that !!!

errhumm, what do you mean he behaves as if he is 42?... How do you think a 42 man behave at 42, old, uniterested and slugish?

Ssme here, married for two years & we had sex just one time. He doesn't want to do anything with me . He seems disgusted to touch any part of my body . Wasn't like this before we got married . I tried to talk to him but he got mad @ me & doesn't wAnn talk about it. I dont really know what to do. I am 29 years old . Till when shall I keep trying to get his attention !!! I try not to think about it but how ??? Any advise please😭😭😭😭😭

Your situation sounds very similar to mine, in reverse though. I am the husband, and the way my wife behaves sounds almost exactly hour you describe your husband.

The reason I am on this site is that I dont have anyone I feel I can talk to about this. Unlike a lot of unhappy marriages, the problem with mine is not sex. While my wife and I never have sex, it is more the intimacy, romance and passion that is missing. Sure I would like to have sex, but more important to me is that I think she has just lost interest in me.

I want her to feel that I am special, that I dazzle her, and that she respects me. But she seems very apathetic, and I cant get her to talk to me about things. I end up feeling very lonely and alone, even though I live with her. How many people use the term "roommate" ? That's exactly how I feel.

I dont know where to turn, or what to do, and I have almost given up hope. I do hope I can find someone on this site that I can communicate with, and I'm hoping that could lead to a way to get started in rebuilding my relationship with my wife.

Sad how many of us are on this site who seem to be living the exact same life. I wonder if anyone has been in our situation and it got better. The only way it seems to get better is by being over.

Hi I would advise u to ask her if she still loves u n tell her u don't feel loved n u feel worthless. Then I would show her some of these post maybe show her the bible tell her u love her but u can't continue in a loveless marriage. This is coming from a woman who lost the love of her life to another women after taking the intamacy away

I have been married for 29 years and all my husband wants is sex, there is no intimacy at all, I am very affectionate but he is not at all , I really get frustrated .

I have walked away...... I found a job as a musician (trumpet) and I have an income that permits me to exist independently while leaving the monies from my investments and property for her to use. I am still lonely but at least I don't have to sit at home - I long to be with someone who will allow me to touch and stimulate a relationship.... Perhaps someone will find me!!!

I have a different situation and could really use some input for others if they have every heard of my circumstances and if any thing can be done? Couple she 47 attractive, little over weight, three kids, me 49, I don't know what I am anymore use to think I was ok but unsure now? I know I am over weight, I have replaced sex with food, 6 two or three 260 lbs., and have an injured eye that looks funny? Was fairly populate with girls back in HS. Anyhow I don't believe in divorce, and raise though 4 marriages, can't do to my kids. When I first got married I really thought god had put us together, I had prayed for some time before, anyhow. When we first got married I was so horny and insistent that I did really notice that our sex life was very one sided, and after 30 years of marriage and one broke hope after another and false hope after false hope, we now or I understand she doesn't want or need sex ever and never has. It has drove me to hate her and I can't be with her sexual anymore, it makes me feel ashamed of my desires and I can't take the hurt I feel when she will never say or do anything again, even when I have begged, threatened, scream, and cried, for her to try, she just doesn't and it is driving me to hate her, so now I am sexless for the passed 6 months, but very unhappy. Although she is my only turn friend other than my kids, and in many ways I love her at the same time even knowing she can't help it I blame her also. Please help with any good advise or suggestions! Em greattimes196980 at yah. Com.

i m varun singh i m only 31 can u want to make friendship with me

Wow. This sounds like me and my marriage of 4 yrs.

I'm living the same way. Except I think my husband is cheating. I hope you find a answer to your problems. I haven't yet. Good luck.

Dr Marnish casted a Retrieve A Lover Spell for me And I'd like to say about it. My ex and I was apart for a month and I thought i will never see him forever, we were planing to get married in the future. but all of a sudden he broke up from me, I was searching for help in the internet one day i saw some testimony about this spell caster dr.marnish@yahoo com so i asked help from him to help me bring back my lover, after some days of casting of his spell, my boyfriend returned back to me, since then he have learned to appreciate me more and more day by day, and he doesnt take me for granted. if you need your lover back email Dr Marnish or call him +15036626930
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Hi Moonwillow,

I can relate to your feelings, being a man in a similar situation. She wanted kids, so we had kids. I love my kids, but the youngest is 12 and the oldest is in university. If my wife and I are intimate more than once or twice a year I begin to wonder what's wrong. I want it, but she simply is not interested. We went without for nearly two years once and nearly three another time.

I understand your need to feel romanced and wanted. Women are not the only ones who need to feel loved and wanted. (I am not saying that you believe women are the only ones... I'm just making a general statement.)

I wish you find a resolution to your issues and needs. You seem like a caring woman who simply needs to be appreciated and treated like a lady.

Moonwillow85. I am feeling almost the exact same thing as you with my husband. It's almost the same situation. I feel like we are roommates, no affection or attention. It's gotten worse in the past few years. I have discussed this with him many times. I am getting more and more frustrated with the situation. I have put up with so much and can't take it anymore. I deal with it for a period of time and then he will aggravate me so much and then I wonder "why am I putting up with this miserable life?" I feel like I am just dealing with it. We have 2 children, 1 in high school, 1 in college. I have been unhappy a long time. Don't be doesn't get better. Move on! Easier said than done, I know. I am so miserable that I can't stand it anymore and want OUT!!!! But I feel trapped in many ways. Also, I take care of myself, work out at least 5x per week, keep up my hair, etc. I try to look my best and look a lot younger than I am. My husband?????????? not the same. His stomach has grown so much, he doesn't watch what he eats, etc. He is so moody and some days I just can't stand him!!!!!! I hate wasting my life with him.....that is how I feel a lot of days. I also need to be with someone who gives me the attention I deserve. So many guys would have loved to date me, etc. Perfect strangers give me attention (I'm not interested in anyone), but I am starting to think that I should start moving on. Good luck moonwillow.............I feel for you and am right there with you!

Hello everyone

I honestly never thought I would be hear looking for answers. I have been in my relationship for 10 years and we have not had sex for over a year. I feel it triggers most of my anger and frustration. He disagrees. I am at a point where I am thinking of leaving. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

I am so sorry. I just googled "support for unhappy marriage" and this page came up. I am in a similar situation. I am so unhappy. I blame my so called husband for everything. My best friend just told me to start working on me, and go from there. Sounded like good advice to me.

Please write me, ............

I am all too familiar with your predicament. I too an in a similar situation. Passion is what i too miss most. The small touches. I think my time without sex is longer than anyone whom i have found on EP. So i do understand and I have gone through those exact same thought process.

You sound like me, I'm too young to not have any romance in my life. I can't leave because I don't have myself set up financially. and not leaving everything. I'm so lonely. I just want to get on a plane and run away. Good luck to you. I just want love in my life

i have been married for 25 years together 30. 4 children youngest 18. and he has slept on the couch for 15 years. no intamacy at all. sex included. i am so lost. the children kept me in in but i dont know anymore he is 15 years my senior and the last three years have been heart renching. i just dont want to hurt the kids or maybe the failure of something that ment everything to me. i have a male friend for 9 years. i couldnt have made it this long without his friendship. please help

I am in the same situaiton, no love or emotion or intimacy for years. Would be nice to meet for a coffee and commiserate, or talk about a better future.

I started reading this bc i was feeling this way, and i'm glad i did. My husband and i use to do it all the time and anywhere, after 13 years we probably do it 5 times a week and this is not enough for me. I couldnt live with a husband like that and i dont think its fair to you. I have to feel wanted and desired and i love to make my husband feel that way....

This situation is not just happening for women with their husbands im in the same situation with my wife and it sucks



either leave him or stop whining

My wife should be with your hubby. They sound like 2 peas in a pod. Hope you find a way to improve your relationship.

I understand completely. My husband sleeps on the couch because he says its more comfortable for him. Then the other day he said I needed to clear off the boxes on the guest bed in case he ever wants to lay down. I might have asked why he wouldn't just come to bed with me if I cared anymore but I don't and I don't think I could sleep with him in the bed anyway. He plays video games 24/7 while I work full time and do everything around the house. Cook, clean, maintenance ....everything. I can't even get him to feed the dog. He's on disability and truly does need to be but isn't so bad off he couldn't help me out. He can handle doing things that he wants to do. I almost don't even care anymore except it ticks me off when he calls me lazy because it might be a day or two before I get to the dishes or something. I don't care that we don't have sex anymore, its been over a year. I do miss having a normal conversation but he constantly interrupts me to the point I just don't bother speaking anymore. Sometimes he asks a question and doesn't even wait for me to answer.

hi Moonwillow85, is there anything like emotional affair? how does it work, please help me, maybe thats what I really need to cope with my loveless marriage and lonely life.

Where are you located?

I feel your pain dear cos I am presently going through same. I wonder why men delight in treating women this way. God will help us.

IPO1, men don't delight in treating women this way. But there are a lot of boys who've been told they're a man because they are over 18, they have a car and a penis.
I believe in God's providence, and I believe in training my 3 boys to become men; hopefully I will be man enough to confront them when they are not acting like men. It would shame me to find out in the future I had raised a boy like Moonwillow's hubby.

I understand your situation. Hubby and I are in the same scenario; he's content with our marriage but me on the other hand feel like I we're emotionally disconnected. We've also lost communication and definitely lost the intimacy too.

i am going through the same situation.

No women shold feel like that. I would love to chat and talk about your needs and desires. Maybe i can provide some of the attention you deserve.

I am so sorry for your situation, I share it in many ways. I am certain that my husband has simply lost interest in sex. He has used some of the medications that help with erection issues, but they aren't ideal. Two years ago, he moved into the spare bedroom. He is a real loner and spends very little time with me. The only discussions are arguments. We even watch television in different rooms.<br />
<br />
If you have been married for a long time, and your husband is on any medication such as blood pressure meds, that could be causing problems for him. Try talking to his Doctor if he won't go. Maybe you can find out if any of his medical history has an influence on your problems.<br />
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Good luck to you, I wish you the best!

Wow nice and alsp sad story. But if you still love him then not sure what to tell Ya. All i can say is I would give any thing to have my wife back in my life again.. O I guess i should also say she passed away.. But if NO LOVE well then WHY stay????

Stanley, I am so incredibly sorry that your wife passed away. I can not imagine your sorrow. I hope you have found peace &amp; happiness.

I wish you the best - I understand as my wife and I have not shared sex for 11 years.... In fact, she finally told me after several arguments over the past few years that she intentionally with held sex from the man she was sleeping with - I am nothing more than a door mat in the bed next to her - not allowed to touch... The discussions have often turned into arguments... now sex to me is a ob<x>ject of hurt and mistrust - I doubt that we will ever share any sex activity - I mean - it is difficult to get excited about someone that only fights abt sex and never share it..... Thank you for sharing...

Hi Moonwillow, Sorry to step in the middle. I am a man was in a failed marriage which I have tried to improve several times. Have done the family therapy (After I have threatened if we do not go it I would leave her) it did work for couple of years and then back to square on. I found that men need road map (a manual) when it comes to romancing, I was guilty of that myself. But we can change just to put some effort into it and understand the impact these efforts do on the wife. But at the same time I feel exactly what you are feeling because after putting all the effort and making changes she still decides after a couple of years that we should live like roommates.<br />
So I know how feeling let doing goes.<br />
It is not lack of desire is the cause it is other factors translate into a man heads by distancing themselves; which is the worst flow in a male.<br />
Wish you all the best

I'm new to this site. Reading to your problems it makes me feel sad because I'm in the same situation like you. I been married for 25 yrs. without sex for 2 yrs now, I tried to initiate to have sex with him, he just push me away. I'm only 47 yrs old and he is 57. I'm thinking to have an affair but I have strong faith of god not to do crazy things that I will regret it for the rest of my life.<br />
But deep down inside of me, I'm really hurting. I felt lonely and depressed. I want to seek counseling but he do want to go because" he said he don't have problem. I'm the one causing the drama" also he is worried that it might affect his government job.

You have my sympathies, it is a sad way to live when you have little or no affection and you don't even know why. I, too, am new to this site (I joined last week). I know many people will refuse to participate in counseling for a variety of reasons. When that happens and they don't put in any effort to repair the marriage it leaves few choices for the partner, one of which is to continue living in the marriage as it is, which is no option to me. You are still very young and should feel loved, vibrant and enjoy life. As for having an affair, that is something I would think long and hard about. If you think you can't live with the guilt then don't do it. Is leaving your husband a possibility? If not a physical affair what about an emotional affair with someone you meet online?

I wish I have a choice to leave but I have no job. I try to find a job in our area but no luck at all. I'm considering to meet somebody online but I'm afraid that he will caught me. He is good in computer that his profession. He can snoop on me but I cannot do it to him. I'm not good in computer. It would be nice if I find somebody to talk to online.
BTW thank you for your reply. I appreciated it.

How do you have an emotional affair that doesn't turn into a physical affair ?

Live on different continents. Seriously. It\'s very easy to develop strong emotions for someone that you cannot touch if you truly cannot touch because you\'re separated by 10,000 miles.

1 More Response

I'm sorry to say I know what you are going thru because I am in the same spot with my husband of 26 years. Our Anniversary is tomorrow and I dread it. We seperated for 3 months this year and it was not a good time for either of us. Lots of anger and things said in hurt because I found receipts he bought jewelry for another woman Christmas and Valentines Day and said she was just someone he could talk to. We have been to marriage counseling and are now back together for the last 3 months. Our minister has helped us but things are just not the same and I don't know how to trust him. I think he came back to me just becaus he missed our 16 year old son. I feel when our son moves out he will want to leave me again. My inner deamons are tearing me apart daily on the what if's. i totally went off the deep end when I found the receipts and another episode one night that devastated me with his actions and I will never lose control like that again. How do I find peace again and make this marriage work?

Dee, I'm so sorry you are going through this. First, I have to ask after all you've been through and knowing he will probably want to leave again once your son moves out, ultimately do you want the marriage to work? If he has hurt you that badly and you can't trust him do you want to live your life like that? If you do want it to work keep going to counseling, remember what made you fall in love with each other and have fun and new experiences together just like you did when you were dating. I've already tried to do these things with my husband but he's not interested. I hope you can get to the point of trusting your husband again and the two of you are happy.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. It seems all too common on EP. I am so shocked to hear that so many women are being "misused". I am sad for all of us going through a rough time in our marriages. I wish you all of the love and luck in the world.

Thanks for your support! I had no idea someplace like EP existed with so many people, both men and women, in unhappy marriages. I'm glad I finally took the leap to find an online group, this might solidify things for me to do what I know I need to do, which is get my exit plan in order and leave.

wow i am so very sorry. i am young n married to my first true love n some times i feel like our marriage is gone. but we keep trying n plus now he knows how i feel. i hope u can find a way to make the marriage work but your still young move on. its gonna be hard but if your husband isn't trying to make the marriage works then why keep putting yourself thou it all? It doesn't just take one person to make a marriage work it takes two....i hope to read updates ill be praying for you two

Sweetgirl, thank you for your kind words of encouragement. My husband and I had an amazing marriage for many years, it was fun, loving and passionate and we communicated and worked on it but it seems to have just run it's course. Please keep working on your marriage and keep it fun! I greatly appreciate your prayers.

I don't think an affair is the answer. I am in the same situation. He has ignored my pleas for intimacy for years, I read the books, I tried so many things. Change is just not going to happen when only one wants to change.<br />
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I hope you find someone that will love you and share all the intimacy, passion and pleasure that is meant to be shared by husband and wife. Life is too short to settle.<br />
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I have checked out too, so I know exactly what you are feeling. The time will come pretty soon, I have my exit plan. I will find that path to happiness, and I do hope you find the strength, and courage to find yours.

I'm sorry you know so well what it's like to live like this. There's an emptiness to it. I hope you take your path and find the happiness that you deserve. Please keep me posted on how things are going for you. Thanks for your compassion and encouragement. I am in the very early stages of coming up with an exit plan. I am determined to find happiness, it may take a year but I will find it!

you should read your story back to yourself you may feel sad reading your own words but it may open your eyes more. your husband is taking you for granted, if he was to make more of an effort how long would it last? do you love him? to be honest i dont know why i asked that because that isnt important when it comes to your happiness and the bigger picture. this is an absolutely awful thing to say but maybe you should have an will help your sexual tension, you,ll feel beautiful and your mundane marriage will be more bearable. im sorry thats maybe awful advice, im only writing what id think myself if it were me xxx

confusedkind, thanks for your comment. I did go back and read my story and it does make me sad to a point. It is my life and I'm becoming apathetic toward my husband and the marriage which is why I think it's time to get out. I no longer care to try to work on it. As for an affair, I have thought about it but even with the way things are I still don't think I could have a physical relationship with someone b/c I know it would hurt my husband terribly. You're right - my happiness is what's important! Thanks for the advice.