A New Chapter

So... as almost an act of madness, I went against my therapist's advice to NOT act on impulses or make big decisions... and ended up reaching out to - and making out with - an ex. This was a result of being left alone for 2 full days with ZERO contact from my husband. (This, on the heels of a heated argument about respect and communication). He'd gone out last Friday and did not come home until the wee hours of Sunday morning. I was a miserable, livid wreck. I felt tired, defeated. I was at the end of my rope. Out of sheer loneliness and a desperate need for attention and comfort, I turned to my supportive and expressive ex-boyfriend. We've kept in touch on and off through the years and I recently discovered through facebook that he now lives only a mile away from me. Of course, during my darkest hour I could have turned to a "regular" friend; I guess i knew what I was walking into by choosing him instead. Long story short, we met up the next day. It felt wonderful to be cared for, to feel appreciated, to feel loved. I could have stopped the self-gratifying craziness and just tried to move on with couples therapy, but... I knew my marriage was over. Things died a long time ago. I detailed this much (and more) in an email to a good friend -- which my husband ended up reading after hacking my email account. There's just too much to say - this barely even scratches the surface of what went down and why. But here's what I think: sometimes a badly damaged thing just wants to be fully broken. To feel the pain and then figure out how to mend itself. I am pretty sure we are headed for a divorce. Certainly a separation. I felt numb for a couple of days, but also relieved and free. I am not proud of what I did; I'd never advocate cheating as a way out. But when people are driven to their breaking point, sometimes extreme measures are taken. And I believe that some things really are meant to be. Good, bad, ugly - all of it. Sometimes you can't choose - it just chooses you when you need it most.