I'm Not Sure What I Want Now.
I have been married for a little over a year now, but my husband and I have been together for 7+ years. We have 6 kids together, he has 2 from his previous marriage, I have two from my previous marriage and we have two together. We started our relationship off together both being married to someone else, it started off as friends. So we kind of confided in each other about all the things we wanted, but didn't have in our lives and relationships. As aweful as that time was, I fell so head over heals for him because I felt like he was everything I was missing and I acted way out of my norm. I did things to be close to him that I don't believe in and still can't believe, but for some reason I was drawn to him. Since we have moved in together he has been a different man, not so sweet and tender and passionate about us. We used to be best friends and had so much fun together, even with the kids. He was in and out of jobs for a while and then lost his job all together, we had our first child together who was born with special needs and he still wasn't working. He stayed at home with our son for 2 1/2 years while I worked 6 days a week to provide for all of us, during the time his two teenage boys moved in with us. I was so mad at him for making me provide alone, but he was going through things with being home all day with a special needs child. We fought like crazy and grew apart, everything was a fight from the kids and how to raise them to finances. We have said a lot of harsh things to get back at each other for the pain we both felt. I always felt like he was taking advantage of me and using me, so I dispised him. When his kids came to stay it changed him, they had went through a lot of things and they tried everything to separate us. Plus, they were just bad and rebellious because they had no structure before. My husband changed the relationships he created with my two kids to accommidate his kids and make them feel like he thought they should. In the mean time, my husband and I have never trusted one another because of how we met and he raises he kids one way and I raise mine another. I feel like he has used very harsh punishment for his two and my two are afraid of him because of it, but I also have two with him. I decided after multiple times watching him and his kids get physical with each other and it got way out of hand, both dad and kids have gotten hurt. I called the domestic abuse hotline and they advised me to call CPS, so I did. I didn't do this to hurt him or his kids, but to get help for all the kids and us. I have always been afraid it would go too far and one of the smaller kids would get caught in the crossfire. I was beening a protective mother because all the talks in the world wasn't changing their behavior. I have since left the home with my kids, his included for our safety and we have talked about working things out or even getting a divorce, but I am still afraid for our two children to be alone around any of the three. I love my husband because I know he does have good, but he has so many other problems. I'm lost at this point about what I should do. I don't know to listen to me heart and try marriage counseling or stay away before something really bad happens. My two kids from my Ex husband are also very resentful because of what they have seen and heard from my husband, they are afraid. I have tried hiding them from things because I don't ever want them to think I would ever hurt them the way they have seen, but you can't hide too much in the same home. Now, that all this has gone on my husband tells me he feels very betrayed because of what I did and he isn't sure from one day to the next what he wants and neither am I. He has broken down my spirit for a lot of years and I have hurt him too, but there are medical issues with him and his kids and I don't know if they can be changed at this point. I feel so bad for making that call, but I didn't know what to do to protect all the kids involved. My motherly instinct came out. My husband and his kids lied about the allegations of course like they do any time something happens, so right now who knows. But, I really don't know why I love him still or what to do about it. It sounds so crazy, even to me. I have always felt sorry for him because he has anxiety, osessive compulsive disorder, adult ADD and his kids also have ADD and ADHD. My family is in fear of me or the kids going around him also. I'm lost about what to do. I will work on it as long as he will change and get help, therapy or whatever. I will go to marriage counseling, but a huge part of me thinks he will never change because he denies everything and blames everyone else. I don't know how I've been there this long and I feel so awful because I shouldn't have allowed my kids to be around it. I love my kids with all of my heart and I would never harm them, but all of this has affected their personalities big time. They are a lot younger so their innocence was kind of taken from them. I guess I don't understand how I can love someone that I feel is a monster, but I do.