If I Had To Write A Letter To My HusbandYou are the reason I am this person I have become, this resigned person that you now complain about, who distances herself as much as possible from the things about us, that once fraught her with worry in the middle of the night. Isn't this what you wanted after all? When I used to enthusiastically suggest us spending time together without the tv, having new experiences together, I would almost always get a "we'll see'' in return. And when you did say yes to the Sunday picnic, I would usually be left waiting for you to wake up only to find out you've changed your mind at the last minute, at which point I would lose it and yell at you. You see I'd actually plan for the day, food you'd enjoy, what to wear, not too early to disturb your sleep and not too late so that the day's over. You wouldn't even put an effort into helping me to remove my car battery, when I actually needed you. Just because I'm fully capable of handling these things by myself, doesn't mean that it wouldn't be nice for you to just try once in a while. What other reason am I supposed to conjure up other than you don't care, there's more important things for you to do and I must be wasting your time. I'd be angry at myself for believing you EVERY time you said ok only to have you change your mind for whatever reason that was just not good enough anymore. I just wanted us to be those happy couples out and about doing anything but just happy that they're together. My idea of marriage was best friends who want to spend time together beyond the 4 walls of their home. It wasn't too much to ask. Isn't that what people do out of love anyway? I used to hate being the married woman who's always by herself.
My burning desire to fulfill your every physical need, beautiful lingerie and all, was not always met with equal enthusiasm and my naughty humour was often extinguished as being too agressive, although I'l admit its likey that I came on too strongly on may occasions.
And then there's your incessent chain smoking. I told you before we married that you needed to quit and when you didn't I lived with it because you were my life, and I just wanted to be with you. When you ignored my pleas to smoke outside or to at least keep it out of the bedroom, I learned to live with it by never sitting next to you while you smoked and by using copious amounts of air freshener.
You must be thrilled too that I no longer care about whether you decide to go for days without sleep but probably not as thrilled as I am. You see, I used to lie awake, the light sleeper that I am, and stress about why do you need to spend time away from me, how overbearing must I be? Its so dangerous to drive after not sleeping? Those cigarettes are so dangerous? What are you doing to your body? OMG, what will I do if you get cancer later on? How will I go on without you?All those hours of working in front of you PC is so bad for your back and neck. And most of all I longed for your warmth next to me so I could sleep peacefully. By the way, it's no longer cool to sleep after 2am when you're out of university.
So then I'd lose it and every so often we'd fight but always about the same things. Four years of fighting about the same thing and me choking back the tears about how frustrating it is that you don't see the importance of this to me, not realising that it was slowly eroding the untamed passion and blinding love that I had for you. And when in a fit of rage things would get really out of hand but I would still want to be with you, even though I would threaten to leave in the hope it would open your eyes that just saying 'I love you' was not enough anymore. You cannot live your life exclusive of me as you wish, that would just make me your cook and maid really.
So when you chose to defy my request for the 6th time that you never tell me to 'F@#$ off' again, I finally had an epiphany after balling my eyes out for months. To my surprise I actually stopped giving a damn. At least outwardly. Maybe it was my overwhelming anger and those days of building up the courage so I could walk out and deal with my parents adoration of you and how to tell them you're not as amazing as we've led them to believe after all. And although I never left you, it's become so much easier to live with you now. You see I thoroughly enjoy being by myself at the movies, at the gym, at parks, wherever I go. And now I anticipate you backing out so I have food ready for you at home and an enjoyable day out for me. I don't long for your company now and it's so good to not have to feel the need to impress someone and keep them happy in case they don't like this new place I'm taking them to. I sit in separate rooms as you when your smoke is especially bothersome. I've stopped counting the number of cigarettes you smoked in one night and thinking about you with emphysema, barrel chest and the like. And your self destructive lifestyle will utlimately catch up with you so why bother nagging? If you do leave this world before me, I'll deal with it when it happens, and the longer I go I realise I don't need physical intimacy. You choosing not to help me around the house is just testament to some elitist attitude or whatever, not worth my thought. It sounds like we've finally found a happy medium, I don't nag and fight and you can go on with your habits in peace. And the best part is I don't care anymore about being enthusiastic and passionate in love, and I don't have the energy to leave you after this year, so I choose to stay and live in this serene arrangement, probably forever. The only compelling reason to leave you would be your worrying habits around children.
So you can imagine my confusion now and absolute rage when you tell me now that you wish I was still the same person I was before. Really? We may know each other for 10 years but your faith in the resilience of my personality is charming. Constantly telling me you love me and being an honest, intelligent and hardworking person still doesn't qualify you to say that. I hope when all's said and done you can honestly turn back and say it was worth it.
So now I have to ask you again. You've made this person out of me, what on earth do you want from me now?