Anything That Could Go Wrong Went Wrong

I grew up in a really abusive household. I married my husband and was so in love with him I ignored some really huge things wrong with his personality. I was just grateful to have found someone who loved me at last, and I had fun with.

But things started to go wrong before we were married. He was addicted to performing degrading sex acts on webcam. He only wanted to talk about having sex with his old girlfriends to become aroused to sleep with me. He was very secretive with his phone.

We got married, and on our wedding night, he didn’t sleep with me. From that point on he slept with me every 2 months. When he did he was excessively violent. He always stated that he was stressed because of legal issues, or he was too busy at work etc.

I intercepted a text message to an old girlfriend that said that he “was no longer attracted” to me. I confronted him, and ended up with a concussion because I stood up to fast in a small room. I wanted a divorce. I had no place to go; my life with him had alienated me from all of my friends. I could not move in with my parents. I was really alone.

Then I found out I was pregnant. Sex completely ended. He contracted hepatitis B. The Dr said that the only way that it was spread was through sex. I asked him, and he couldn’t tell me the truth. I believed his lies; I was too pregnant and helpless at that point to do anything.

I had my daughter, and three months later I found out he had been having affairs with men off of craigslist. He was heavily in to drugs and wasn’t even approachable. He made everything my fault. I was so depressed, my mother in law had to take the baby from me at night for months so I could try and pull myself together. We went to therapy, where the therapist told him he was a sex addict. We went for a couple of months, but eventually he stopped wanting to go.

A year went by and he got a new job that involved a lot of traveling. In this time I was so deep in a depression I could barely get dressed, and brush my teeth without sobbing and laying back in bed. I missed a lot of really important bonding time with my daughter. Not to mention there was absolutely no intimacy. I eventually had a friend come live with us, because I couldn’t stand being alone in the house all day.

Things started to get better. I bought a bike, and started antidepressants, and had made a lot of progress in to feeling better. I finally felt like I was starting to feel happy again. But then I caught him having yet another affair while he was out of town. This time it was with a much older woman. I was irate. I contacted her and started an inquisition about possible STDs. Turns out she was also sleeping with someone with AIDS. She said it was protected, however you hear that word and you die inside a little.

I don’t know if it was the anti-depressants, or the desperation for love. I found a man that would sleep with me despite having herpes/HPV that my husband gave me, and would love me. He was crazy, had a wife, and a giant assortment of other horrid problems. If I was in my right mind I would have never made that choice. My husband threw me out of my house, and told the entire neighborhood that I was cheating on him.

I got a good job. Doesn’t pay enough to survive, but I am valued and respected. My friend started watching my daughter while I am at work. They have bonded more than I could ever hope to bond with my daughter. I am very jealous. I however do not kid myself, I am happy for her because I don’t have the emotional capacity to be there in that way.

Eventually I ended the affair because I wasn’t getting anything out of it except for another human to drain me emotionally. I didn’t love him anyway; I loved this bastard of a human being I had married. Things had gotten better for me with my husband for a few months. I was happy to move back in and spend more time with my daughter and my husband attempting to be nice to me again. Then I became pregnant again.

This pregnancy has been much harder than my first. I have had several complications that have left me dependent on others for help, mainly my husbands. He throws tantrums over how much additional work it is, and fills his list so full of things to do, that there is no time for him to spend with me ever. I don’t know why I am shocked or upset this really has been the same way for the past seven years. Just as he was before, he is disgusted by my pregnant body.

He tells me that he doesn’t want to spend time with me because I am so irritable. He tells me that I need anger management. He threatens to throw me out 8 months pregnant. I ask him to sleep on the couch; he refuses and tells me to go instead. I was upset because he went to the movies by himself because I am too pregnant to take and there was no one to watch our daughter. He didn’t call and tell me that he was going to stay out even later drinking down the street, so I stayed up really late waiting on him to get home.

I was furious that he didn’t just take the time to tell me what time he would be home so I didn’t start to worry about him.
I am miserable here. He needs to get the **** out.
messmonster messmonster
26-30, F
May 6, 2012