Deppression, Bitteress, Trapped

We were married 2.5 years ago and I gave birth to our son 1.5 years ago. Our relationship has always been rocky and I still am not over things that have happened. We both wanted a baby a few months after we were married, me more than him though. I don't know if i was just bored with drinking with him every weekend or what, but I just wanted a baby so bad suddenly. I was 23, had a career, out of college, and finally married. But he didnt even act that excited when I did get pregnant. He is 12 years older than me, and I have realized over the years that he is quite callous about things. He doesnt get that excited or emotional about ANYTHING. He is not interested in ANYTHING i think or like to do.It is so boring and frustrating. All he cares about is drinking when he gets off of work and sittting outside.
2 years ago, while I was pregnant, I cried all of the time, every night, because he was an ******* to me and he still went drinking every weekend and most weekdays with his friends and was so mean to me. He took me to the movies once after I complained, but during the day so he could still hang out with his buddies that night and he slept during the movie. We had fights that resulted in him choking me on different occasions. This happened 2 times before I was pregnant, twice during and once after he was born. On one occasion, I broke a plate on his head after he pushed me down and called me a fat ***** (while I was about 5 months pregnant). I am NOT saying any of this was my fault, but I started these arguments, either from him being drunk and staying gone or him being rude to me. I guess it was one of those I say nothing, nothing happens situations.
He never apologized. If he does, it is because I ask if he is sorry and he gives a sarcastic apology Or, he says I can't prove anything. Or, he brings up the fact that I slapped him when we were dating (beause he called my mother crazy, caught him lying about talking to his ex several occasions.) I was PREGNANT,
It all seemed to just blow over and he acts nice for a while except with pretty consistent belittling. I've always had my "ditsy" moments, I'm a daydreamer and im not detail oriented but he belittles me because of it. I lied to everyone about what he did yet they all joke about me being crazy and breaking a plate on his head. I quit a really good job to be home with our son. I even made more than him, supported him when he lost a job 2 different times for calling in hungover. When I was 2 months pregnant, he didn't have a job and he got lucky because his former step dad hired him. Even though we couldnt afford it, i put my foot down and chose to quit my job after the baby came. There was no way I was working and being mommy while he acts like he just deserves to drink whenever.
It has gotten easier as our son got older but you probably wont ever know what its like when you have to ask if you can take a shower and then get told u need to hurry cuz your baby wants you etc but I LOvE being a mommy. And by god I'm going to be a good one. It's not the drinking as much as it is how much, I like to have a few beers or glasses of wine too. But its how he wasn't home, how he treated me and i dont get or even expect that kind of solitary relaxation. Really? I can just sit outside and drink and smoke for 15 hours a week? the thing is if I could I wouldn't, I have a son now.
The funny thing is he actually is in a better mood when he is drinking. I am NOT blaming myself but I start 80% of the arguments. 2 weeks before I was due, he was drunk and we started arguing and he broke a broom over my back. I took pictures because I bled and bruised, but I deleted them after he found them to not start another fight. He never really even truly apologized for it. When I bring it up he says I have no proof. I feel like i shouldve left then sometimes but then id have to through such drama with telling people why, wouldve had to go back to work with a newborn in daycare and then there wouldve really be no turning back. I really got into denial about it, I never ever thought he would do that to me especially while 9 months pregnant. I never imagined id be this woman but my child changed me and I think of him first. Then after a pretty difficut labor a couple weeks layer uou can only omagine the pain i had in my back on top of everything else my body just accomplished. My mom stayed with us the first few days to help me and left that friday assuming my husband would help me since i was in so much pain and hadnt slept in over 30 hours to breast feed every 2 hours , change diapers, go to the dr, etc. Wrong again. He stayed out late and came home falling down drunk after promising hours before hed let me sleep some.
I dont know if ill ever get over his self absorbed cruelty. So that is why i dont want another child. I cant go through this again even though my son is worth everything. I don't want to chance bringing a female into his world. Its a curse. Plus it wasn't easy on my body to gain and then lose 60 pounds, so quite a vanity hit there!
Nothing physical has happened in nearly a year now although he has threatened to punch me in the head in front of our son recently and belitles me in front of him. Since we moved, he can't go out as much because he doesnt have as many friends but occasionally I have no idea where he is or what he is doing for an entire night. He is nearly 38 and says he will never change. I am 26, an outspoken, determined woman who has a college degree. When he is rude or talks down to me, calls me a ***** in front of my son, I immediately get defensive. I never thought or imagined in a million years I would put up with what I do.
Last year, I caught him chatting with his old fiance on Facebook with whom I had major problems with before we were married. He always just said it was her writing him. I even wrote her husband a letter because she wouldn't stop texting or calling. Well this last message i saw from her told him not to be contacting her. He said he just told her hi. I couldn't see the messages he sent her. I still will never know if anything happened with them a couple years ago. After that I feel no guilt for having an old boyfriend as a friend on Facebook. I know it is wrong to message him sometimes because he for one is single, but it feels good and I have no emotional connection with my husband. We only have sex occasionally and he has slept on the couch by his own accord for the last 3 years, or should i say most of the time he passes out there.
I'm just sick. Some days I feel like I love him but others I think It's just a matter of time... I don't want my son to see the negative way he talks to me or treats me Sometimes i wish he would just cheat or hurt me again so i could be free to leave. I know its wrong but i honestly think 75% of the time i could be much happier alone or as a single mom! I took my vows seriously, and then i think i am so lucky to stay home with our son and live in a nice house but its not like i couldnt get a job again one day. I try to forgive and we go about our daily lives. He works 2 jobs now to support us since he HAD to buy this house we can't afford. Said that he had to have it or he was "divorcing me". A threat I got every other week for a while. All I'm told by my parents is to just tough it out and go to church. They just love him so much now because here is working 2 jobs and got us this nice house and blah blah.
Things have gotten a little better over the last few months, and we do share a few laughs together and love our son so much but I don't really feel he truly respects me or really even knows / wants to know my mind! He can never be wrong. He is cold and will never truly apologize to me about anything. He wont directly address things he has done and will get angry if remember and yeah. I remember alot. I am a forgiving person. But he has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I feel like im trapped. Some days we barely speak because he works so much, and when he is here he just wants to sit outside and drink. Then I will get all emotional, and he might have sex with me once a month to make me happy. I feel so empty, that I will never have real love again. I feel like its only a matter of time before I have an affair. And I am a religous person but I dream about being with someone who makes me laugh and loves my mind and me. But why? I have such a nice home and yard for my son to grow up in?
drivenexplorer drivenexplorer
26-30
May 15, 2012