I Feel Lonely And Unhappy In My Marriage And I Don't Know What To Do

One night, a year ago, I packed up and left my husband. I took our two children with me to my parents house. He was out. Had been going out and staying out late often even after I told him it was not alright with me. He was acting like if he was having a midlife crisis. He was only 37 then. I came back home and things were alright for a few months. Then he started to gradually go on fishing trips, hunting trips, and occasionally out with the guys. This is what I don't understand....I was always OK with the occasional fishing trip even with him going out with the guys....why do husbands act like teenagers and push it by staying out later and making plans for fishing trips and hunting trips when they have a wife at home who wants attention and an occasional night out, with him, for dinner and or a movie?
Today for example, he had a meeting at work like he does every Wed. When the meeting was over he texted me saying he was leaving. He got home 45 min later. No call or text to tell me he was running late. Meanwhile dinner was waiting and I was putting the kids to bed. I was upset, ate dinner without him. When he got home, no explanation. He asked me if I was ready to eat and I told him I had had dinner. He told me he would serve himself, with an attitude. After eating 20 min. later he kisses me and tells me he is going to the gym. So, I am home alone once again.
I've told him so many times that it would be nice if he made plans for a date night. He says OK, but it does not happen unless I keep reminding him. He does not forget his fishing trips, etc. Then he wants to have sex when he wants to have sex and I'm supposed to be OK with it. Sex is the last thing on my mind when he does not make our relationship a priority by spending time with his wife at home or on a date. I don't even have it in me to initiate sex with my husband anymore. Why would I want to do anything when he neglects me and our relationship?
I don't talk to him about this anymore because I've done it so much that I'm tired. I give up. If I tell him how I feel he gets angry and makes me seem like the bad guy. I just don't have the energy to argue and try to get my point across with someone who does not want or seem to change.
We have been married 8 years and have two children (5 and 7). Why can't he understand how I feel? Its like he does not see the things he does to me to make me feel lonely and unhappy. Just because I don't say anything does not mean I'm OK with it. Its common sense. If I look and sound upset when you say you are coming home and don't come home until much later without an explanation....why make it worse and leave 20 min. later . I did not attack him when he got home and asked him why he was just getting home.
I'm just tired and I don't know what to do. Please no rude comments. Just your honest opinions.
pinklady40 pinklady40
36-40, F
5 Responses May 16, 2012

Well my issue is that my husband has a addiction with video games. I feel really lonely all the time. I do everything in the house, homeschool my 2 children, I don't even go out. But, he loves his phone and Playstation 3 more than me. I tell him all the time, but, he comes running to it instead of me. We have been married for 6 months now and well don't know what to do. I don't even feel loved or even sexy anymore. It hurts alot and I get really down all the time. I try to forget about it but it just hurts alot.

There is a wedge in your relationship. I can't say how it got there, but it is clearly there. He isn't getting what he needs from the relationship, and so he's not putting his all into it... and since he isn't putting the effort in, you've stopped putting your effort into it too. Little by little each of you pulls further and further away.<br />
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Please note that I'm not absolving him of his responsibility - if I were talking to him, I'd say very similar things, but ... Take some time and truly consider /your/ role in the downward spiral of your relationship. You've stopped doing the things that won his heart 9 years ago. You've turned what little time you spend do together into being about your needs, not his. When you were dating, you took the time to do things simply to make him happy. You went out of your way to plan your time around him. You did things that you really didn't have an interest in - just to be able to spend the time with him. Having kids absolutely makes that more difficult, but it is just as important.<br />
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You want romance in your relationship - he does too. For you, that means flowers, and a moonlit walk. For him, it may be the reassurance of your love by holding hands, rubbing his back when you sit next to him, your hand on his thigh while he drives, a pleasant chat about the things he is involved in... and yes, sex is important too. <br />
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Take the time and think about /him/. He is feeling sad and lonely, too. He is feeling neglected. He is filling the holes in his life with activities to keep his mind off what isn't working in your marriage. Think about it - what /doesn't/ he talk to you about anymore? Why did he give up on it?<br />
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Rather than pulling away from him just because he is distant, why don't you remind him why he married you in the first place? Find a time in his schedule and plan the date yourself - arrange for a babysitter, and make it special /for both of you/. Book a cabin at a KOA campground and give him the opportunity to teach you and the kids to fish. Quit pulling away and put yourself back into his life. Give him a reason to WANT to spend time with you!

Why does a weirdo like sharma7222 write that, when people are in pain, only serial killers or perverts get off on people in pain, why don't you go to a forum for weirdo's or better still dob yourself in to the authorities for the crimes you have or are about to commit you massive sicko :-(

I understand both of you because I feel the same way; unfulfilled, sad, unhappy. Some men don't understand about the needs of a wife. Pinklady40, have you confronted your husband about a possible infidelity? Because it seems something out there is more interesting than his family life. He could just be frustrated or have a certain problem that upsets him and he's rather escape his home situation. Be upfront about being really upset and worried about your marriage. I have done that and it somehow improves things because it makes men aware about the seriousness of our feelings. I wish you both the best because I know how it feels.

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Hello<br />
I am a 25 year old woman living in Estonia. It is funny, how some things are the same all over the world. I found some things in your story very similar to mine. Only, we have only 1 child. We have been living together for 3,5 years, but married only 6 months. <br />
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I am also totally on the verge of starting to cry (I only cry, when I have tried everything, and it has not helped. And I have realized, I have to do something hard-like divoring and moving away).<br />
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Thats the whole problem. I try-he does not and he does not care, the situation makes me sad, unhappy, frustrated and drifts me further away from him. When I try to speak to him, he does not stop surfing the internet, and does not agree to shut down the TV. Its like, he does not care about my feelings. <br />
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At the same time-dinner served in time, my happy mood, me hugging and kissing him is so logical for him-also when I am unhappy.......<br />
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We never go out (literally). We only visit two birthdays- hes sisters and her husbands. He uses the excuse he has to watch our child during my birthday, to not to come at all, rather then find a care-taker. We havent been out since our wedding (6 months ago). Yeah,ok, we have been to shops two times. And after begging, he came also to sit next to me and our daughter, when we were playing outside, in the park. <br />
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I am so unfulfilled- only sex he wants and needs, but I dont want that, when I am only a washer upper, dishwasher or personal sexslave and child care utility for him. I feel that I am worth nothing....<br />
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He is also not agreeing to come to councelling. I think he knows. then he has to put in an effort....<br />
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I am really on the verge of divorce....

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