Don't Know What To Do

Been married for more than 10 years, 4 kids. My dilemma is that my wife doesnt do much around the house, now before anyone starts yelling at me, let me explain. She is a stay at home mom (her choice not mine) I work, when i have a day off i do my share, i vacuum the house, fix what needs to be fixed (if i know how), mop the floors, clean the table (disinfect it etc), mow the yard, clean the porch, clean varies things through out the house. run errands and pay what ever bills can not be payed online. My wife takes care of the kids gets em to school. unless the weather is bad in wich case i take em, she pretty much does all the things for them (im usually at work), i do how ever drive to appointments dr visits and such (she doesnt drive) she however, does not really do dishes (only what what we need to eat that day) unless i do the majority (like a bitter guy does i have refused to do any for some time because of this), doesnt clean very much around the house unless she really has to or if we are gonna have company (wich we rarely have). sometimes lets the kids what ever they feel like, or at least thats what the kids say when i tell them they cant do something they reply "mom lets me". most of the house is a mess unless i clean it, the kids rooms are a disaster area. when i do clean them and maintain them they stay nice but the moment i work a few long shifts they go to crap, my vacations? spent cleaning around the house. If i say anything i get "i dont like it when you tell me what to do" Our sex life? almost non existent, although that is half my fault (im so stressed and depressed half the time i just dont want to) spends a lot her time on facebook even if im in the middle of a conversation with her. so yes im unhappy in my marriage.
UnhappyPanda UnhappyPanda
41-45, M
2 Responses May 18, 2012

I just read your post, and I am glad that you shared. I am a woman that has been married for almost 9 years. We also have 4 children. We are both veterans, and currently in school. We don't have many bills, but still we are pretty strapped at the moment until his GI Bill starts again in August. He is in a nursing program, and should finish in May of next year. <br />
I have to admit that the second line of your post did pique my interest, because I am married to a man that might say the same of me. I found this blog, because I am hurting. I have a heavy and broken heart so often, that I do question why I am still here (or really, why I allowed myself to end up here). I cannot offer advice, although I would really like to. I hope that you don't mind if I just share my story with you, and maybe make little suggestions along the way. Thank you in advance for reading. <br />
The first year of our marraige was pretty good. It was not good, because we did not fight. It was good, because of the way that we fought. When we disagreed about things, we talked. We spoke respectfully and lovingly. When I was upset, he cared. That all ended in our second year of marriage. My husband seemed to get fed up with talking. He seemed to get fed up with apologizing, although we both apologized. He seemed to give up on working on our relationship. He began to question why he should apologize for saying things that offended or hurt me if he did not intend to offend or hurt me. (I don't know...sometimes I feel that he is probably right and there is something wrong with me for wanting an apology...but, on the other hand I have read that one of the characteristics of emotional abuse is the refusal to acknowledge any wrongdoing, to never apologize, to make the person feel that they are wrong for being hurt or offended). My husband and I have always expressed ourselves differently. I am open and caring, but also honest and excitable. I tend to wear my feeling on my sleeve (and my face). I do not like sarcasm. I do like to joke, but I like to joke in silly and playful way, ensuring that the people that i am joking with know that I would never use humor to ridicule or hurt them. My husband is sarcastic and can be mean. (I think that our differences here are exacerbated by the fact that he has no desire to have friends. I once listened to a pastor give some of his "before you say I do..." advice, and he said that if someone has no friends, they might not be a good friend - for whatever reasons. I was already married at the time, but I think that this is true.) It seems that most guys are different with each other than they are with women. I think that most relationship-wise guys get the sarcasm and stuff out with "the guys" and know that most women don't prefer that sort of thing...I for one want compliments. Anyway, fast forward eight years and I have not been able to get through to him much at all. We fight a lot. There is a lot of anger, frustration, and hurt in our house. The kids feel it (although I do try to give them a good balance of firm guidance and love). My husband currently spends more than 90% of his time at home (all of the time since March...online classes until fall) closed up in one of the bedrooms that he uses as an office. He rarely talks to me when he does come out. He upsets me and/or the kids during half of brief and infrequent visits that we get with him. He rarely touches me. He rarely compliments me. He makes fun of me, twists and turn each word against me when I complain about anything. My birthday, mother's day, our anniversary are all just days...he does nothing for me and says nothing to me...I could go on and on here...I think the bottom line is that I did not wait to build a friendship before accepting a proposal, and things have not worked out very well so far. Our children are great blessings. I also still love me husband. I swoon over him. His smile and his laugh bring smiles to my face. I want to be his friend. I want to be his lover. He doesn't seem to want either of those things very much. He does love our children although he does not support them (3 girls and a boy, 6,4,2,and 1) emotionally much more than he does me. I will stop here even though I do have more to share. I have a couple of questions for you.<br />
Do you think that your wife agrees that she does not do enough? Do you think that she agrees that you do your share? My husband does not know me if you know what I mean...me. He hardly notices or appreciates anything that I do. He will come out of his office after hours and see me cleaning (although the house is rarely 100% in order...It can get pretty messy, but I try) or cooking, talking with (or scolding) a child and it does not phase him. He still does not lift a finger to help until he gets good and ready (once a month), and then he cleans agrily, because things have gotten very messy and complains about "having to do more than me!" Anyway, I say all that so that you might ask yourself (and maybe her) if you really see your wife. Finally, about the sex, maybe you could try and remember what turns her on, and try to make her want you. If she like sex, this should be easy. If she doesn't like sex, then make deals maybe or find some other way to make it a game. Finally, don't forget about romance and seduction. I know that you are "unhappy in your marraige." I am too. But, do search your self (pray if you believe), and figure out how to begin to turn it around (if that is what you want :).

Your situation sounds similar to my son's marriage. His wife is a lovely person, and kind as can be, but clutter and dirty dishes and laundry simply don't bother her. They have two children and she takes good care of them, although she is not good about following through on threats that she makes to the older boy. My son works hard so she can stay home with the kids. He works full time and then works evenings and weekends doing mechanic work for people. He is good with cars and word spreads, so he stays very busy. I don't have a real solution for you, but if your wife is a good person, and you love her, keep working at it. No marriage is made in heaven and everyone has their faults. Best of luck to you and I hope your wife can learn to gradually take on more responsibility. She may just be overwhelmed by the four children too. That's enough to keep anyone busy!