Marriage,confusion And Pain


My name is maryann.I'm from Malaysian.I'm not sure which blog do i belong at times ,you just feel like to pour out everything you have whether you say thing to strangers you really don't care aslong there is someone out there maybe could understand what i'm going thru and advice.I'm realy confused right now....I'm separated from my husband almost one year.We keep stay in touch due to my son.He is three yrs old.He is my heartbeat.I made many mistakes in my life especially in marriage .I got married to a foreigner . my husband is wonderful and goodhearted person but not sure what change him.

he is an alcoholic and due to our financial we became to move differen directions and family interferes ,well they mean good but at times i feel being control by my family.Once,you have a child life is ,we were married in 2008 and had my son in 2009.We had to spent a lot of money in husband documentation..
.Myhusband used drink but notmuch after our marriage the drinking part started alot especially i had my child.He lost a lot of people he love past yrs , .It was difficult for me tot talk to him coz i had my son was stil smal and had no finance we were broke most of time .

My parents were mad at me because i din't listen to My family ..was against the marriage .
I could see good thing in my husband that my family couldn't see .

Time past by, when my son was almost one,we were back and forth ,fighting and settle i would go back to him .he willbe fine starts his habit drinking and then oneday he took my son out for sweets and he came home at 3am.He was at his friends drinking.I keep on calling he cuts the phone line and sain he was on his way back ... i and was running like a mad person looking for my son .Finally i waited at home My son was only with his pampers,his pants were missing when he came home at 3am...the nextday morning i told him going to the shop and i took my son away that was in 2011.

It was two weeks before his 2nd birthday.My son never really had good memories with his dad.Now,jst few months back my husband called and he wants me to coem home and said he is a changed keep on asking to come home actually i dont' want to go back to him.All this while we were separated i keep on praying that he has to be safe and maybe someday he will change .I'm just scared that he will change again...

A lof of pain i have gone thru because of him.I'mstaying in arented room on my own with my son.It's been tough this past one year ,keep on changing job .My son is asking qouestion about his dad .Why his dad is not around and other chilren have dad ,they can play .Aty time he willbe so eager to ply with his uncle but they too have their own children to play,Whenever i see his face change ,when my nephew runs to his dad and that moment it hurts alot .....

So' i really confused whether should i go back or stay..if ireturn we have to find a house .he stil don't have his pr...jobis ok ..not secured one...he is trying his best.....If my family evn knows that i'm planning to return it could be abit nasty and i don't want to hurt my family...

It's so difficult to for us especially to put aside their pain.There is alway ?..I'm not sure what to do..if anyone out there could advice me ireally appreciat it ..thank you .Maybe we could be differnt country,colouror race but we are humans so, pls help me.....mary.....

maryanndass maryanndass
36-40, F
2 Responses May 21, 2012

I am of a understand your situation Maryanndass, but I'm the husband. I've been married a long time now, and my wife changed very quickly once we decide to be married, and more after the marriage. She was very unhappy that her family treated our situation so badly, and all of my supportive reassurance backfired badly. My wife decided to stay marry me because we had been together for two years before she became pregnant. It took her took her 4 months to decide to marry. We married finally. Both of us in college, I working many hours as well. She seemed to be taking the situation bravely and with assurance until the day I tried to help a couple among our friends. I didn't come home at the exact time she expected, but it was before 6pm. By that time the kitchen had been trashed beyond reality. She later pointed all the anger at me because I left her alone with her pregnancy and she was so overwhelmed. Now that I knew something was deeply wrong I tried to be even more supportive. <br />
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The problem with being a supportive husband to a very depressed, pregnant wife, whose family is writing nasty letters comes later. The build up of the bad feelings is stored because of the attempt to be so supportive cools the nastiness. However, with the depression untreated, and attempts to recommend counseling ignored, the blow ups came soon. I could never stay out at the library and study, nor make efforts to get help from learned friends. The late time would result in some form of home destruction. The time I came home after midnight (prior to an exam) and found a fan thrown through our bedroom window, and my wife attacking me with a curtain hook/pin was very distressing. Our child was a few months old by then.<br />
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I worked about 30 hours, with full-time classes. I tried to be around evenings and weekends, but my attempts were snubbed as inadequate. When my own mother added to the extreme stress by rejecting one evening of babysitting (we were using her) the situation busted wide open. Soon I relapsed from over 7 years of sobriety. I had absolutely security prior to the day of my slip, that I would remain sober. But, the temptation came from such an innocent and unlikely source, sobriety was a total loss. It was lost for about 14 yrs. Now I've 12 yrs of sobriety. <br />
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I'm still married to this woman, and it's because of our first child, and now second (a lot of yrs apart). Couple that with the huge problems to pay student loan and other debts from low wage (degree required) jobs. My wife deba<x>sed me for not being able to earn more. I retorted the problem lay in the depressed economy of the early 90's (added to my secret of lost sobriety). Soon I didn't care if she knew I was drinking, as long as I rarely (2-3 times a yr) came home drunk. However, in order to achieve that I would be very sneaky about it, and have weird hours. Never cheated on her, but would stay away from the hell of her attacks by drinking.<br />
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The attacks were very much attacks. She destroyed my belongings and made every attempt I made at being stable a misery. If I made a bit of progress, I would mess it up by sneaking my drink, again not being abusive or drunk at home, but being missing in action. I didn't want her attacks, so she had to do more. that 'more' really pissed her off. She attacked me mercilessly with vindictive words of hate. Spewing words of my worthlessness and failure in front of our first child and added destruction of things I held dear. Such as old photos, old books, any memorabilia, trinkets, clothes, some valuables, and other things. My security to be stable always undermined by her horrible actions and words. <br />
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So, Maryanndass? Some of the problems we married men face are not easy. I desired to be stable, have love, have a family, and find a future. I failed with losing my sobriety, but later tried to regain respect and work toward a restart. Again, I never cheated, ever!! But the vindictive hate, the revenge, the emotional spew from hell has turned my recovery into a depth of despairing depression with no end. Again I stay because I'm hopelessly in debt (and my wife making much more than I wont help). Gotta go.

I didn't get to finish my story.

"I'm hopelessly in debt" and I can't stand the idea of leaving my second child alone with this vindictive woman.

What I'm trying to do Maryanndass is tell this story as a way to show how things look from other views. I can explain more of my wifes side, but your story is already a good portion of her side. I'm apparently a similar person as your husband, yet we are still together. However, I have left twice.

The second attempt to leave was when our second child was about 4. She would tell him "daddy doesn't want us anymore", while handing the phone to him upon my request to talk. He was very subdued and didn't understand my absence. It killed my soul. I'm from a broken family and promised myself nothing like that would happen to my kids. It's horrible to be so stuck with such convictions, no money, a hateful wife, and a child who is so loved. I can't explain how much my children mean to me.

Let me try. I cry every time I read or hear a news story about a child abused, missing, murdered or injured/killed in an accident. It's a horrible thing. I'm very attached to fatherhood, it defines me. Yet it's attacked by my wife, which keeps the animosity even more acute between us. I threaten to divorce (try to) again, but she's become very aware how empty that threat is. It's hopeless for me to leave when I can't pay all the bills from my failed business.

That business was into it's 9th year when she started complaining it was my "hobby". She didn't appreciate how I took a lot of time off from getting more jobs (income) in order to help her with severe toxemia during the second pregnancy. Then I went further to work far less than I could if we had daycare, in order to take care of our preemie baby until over 1 yr. That was over 1.5 yrs I put expanding my business on hold to help with our newborn (before and after). I spent days sleeping in the hospital room watching over her. But within a few months, she was back to complaining my income was a failure and so was I. Within a year it was full blown failure on my part to be a good business man. I was then subjected to the debasing of my business being nothing more than a "hobby". I couldn't keep an office because she kept taking my things out of the small side room I chose. She'ld put them in the little cramped basement. I finally moved it all to the basement, but soon realized how useless the space was and gave up. So, I didn't have a way to organize much, because of absolute chaos about my business. I spent as much time doing a job, away from home as possible. Except I'ld avoid working weekends to be with my child.

See, being totally unsupportive, arguing about every choice I try to make, debasing, name calling (like 'failure') and making chaos of stability is a sure way to destroy hope in a man. I'm nearly done in.

I am so sorry you had to go throw that with a young son. What I'm going to say is my own personal feeling. If you left him for all the drinking he was doing and not having a stable place of employment Why would you go back? He has not had treatment for his drinking? I know it is hard to take care of your son alone,but you are not alone you have your family helping you. If you should go back you have to be sure you will not need to return to your family for help. If I was you I would build a life for my son and my self. You must put your son first which means he can not move from house to house at a very young age he needs stability . Let your husband get help and find a job to take care of you and your son. What if something happens to you will your husband be able to take care of you until you are better?