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Don't Know What To Do Anymore

I met my husband at 17yo, he is older than me and it was a typical good girl-(somewhat) bad boy attraction. We were both very much attracted to each other and determined to make it work. We've somewhat succeeded, in that we've been together for over 30 years now. However in hindsight, I am sad to say I'm often sorry for staying together. It has been hard to overcome his struggles of dysfunctional family, drug/alcohol use history, previous short but bad marriage/relationships (he's older) and all the consequences/troubles resulting. He has not been a good provider because he seemingly subconsciously self-sabotages anytime he was succeeding in a position. He has been difficult to handle over the years due to all of his varied issues or problems. I have become the "rock" and provider for the family, which I have begun to very much resent. For decades I had unexplained "female" problems that resulted in several miscarriages, etc. At 40, we were surprised and blessed with a child, whom is my joy in life. However, sometimes I am upset by this as that our financial situation is horrendous with debt (failed small business is one reason) and for several years now we barely get by week to week, although I make a fair salary. I feel as if we aren't providing "better" for our child and I experience worry and guilt over that. Recently we are at risk for foreclosure, and our neighborhood home values have dropped by at least 2/3. We are very "stuck" financially and most all is in my name. Because of the "role-reversal" my husband mostly stayed at home with our child (which I lament and resent, as well) and our child is very attached to him. Overall, he is a good father & fair house-husband, but he has had various injuries/illnesses that now pretty much prevent him from working/getting hired at all, which makes things hard. He has become withdrawn and has gone for help with "depression". He brings in a very small monthly disability check, after 2 yrs of unemployability & many years of tremendous medical/Rx bills (ongoing). I am finding it difficult to go on from day to day and year after year with one let-down/disappointment after another. Recently I found he had started spending time on "free" dating/soft-**** sites, although there were various hidden fees that surfaced, adding to the issues. The sites use stopped, he voiced shame and remorse, stating he thinks he has been going through some type of "male menopause" and feeling less than sexually desired by me. We went from history of several to 4-5x a day to maybe once a month or less in our sex-life. Sex and our lifechoices always seemed to revolve around his needs/desires and influences/decisions. Well, I guess I have become less tolerant over the years (experience sometimes jades you) and decided that if he thought I wasn't "aggressive" enough I would certainly take advantage (a woman's "prime" in her 40's and all that)...so now each time I have taken initiative he's wiggled out of it or put me off. So, now I think that he is even more FOS - in all area's of our life. I've come to realize/think he has traded one compulsion/addiction for another and no one every really thought about it that way, things seem to be all or nothing with him. Lately, I feel very trapped financially, want to stay together for our child, and feel almost like I should stay married due to our long history and marriage-vows. But am increasingly less temperate of his issues and foibles. I don't know whether divorce would be better, its as if I almost don't want to come home anymore and only really find joy in our child lately. Or to find some way to 'fix things" as I seem to always do. I mostly sacrifice or make amendments to keep things going and stay together, historically. He stays at home, no schedule or anyone to answer to, no longer contributes/performs household duties, has almost everything he could need/want (roof, food, medicine, TV, family, car, etc) and says he's going through a "crisis...is depressed"? Am I wrong for feeling used, tired, ignored/alone and too old for all of this?
oldertired oldertired 46-50, F Jun 2, 2012

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