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Simply Lonely and Depressed

 

Hi my name is SusanK and I have never been so lonely and depressed in my life.  I've will be married 10 years this August, and I'm really surprised it lasted this long.  My husband seems to pull further and further away from me for the past 5 - 6 years now.  He works late, never spends time with me and our son.  We eat dinner maybe once a week together,  if I'm lucky and that usually ends in an argument.  I know what your thinkiung, sounds like he's having any affair.  No, he's not sleeping with me for the past 3 years and no one else.  I wish it was an affair  he was having, and maybe I can pinpoint the problem.  He argues with me, anything I do is not good enoughg.  I don't thikl is healthy for me to continue in this marraige, he obviously does not want me.  I'm fooling myself.  I can't even talk to him.  He  has issues to deal with.  I so tired of the bullshit.   My son and I have to move on.  It makes me so sad to even think of leaving.  I'm at my deep end what should I do. 

SusanK

SusanK SusanK 41-45 14 Responses Jun 7, 2008

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I think this is a common problem. Womens top need is affection meaning the women needs the man to focus attention and pursue her. This is how men win womens hearts in the first place. For me it is the deepest hurt I have experienced and the longer it goes on the more resentment that builds about being neglected. What I find bewildering is that when the affection stops he stills seems to think I'm going to be interested sexually. He blew the pilot light out. What keeps things dead and hurting is the arguments aggitation & refusal to restore heal arguments because being right is waaaaay more important. When a husband ceases to appreciate his wife, the wife will cease trying to please him. And it goes both ways - wives to husbands as well. A man is a leader and initiator, a wife traditionally is a responder to her man. So when a man says the women has changed towards him he unwittingly is admitting that he slacked off in treating her well. My deepest need is to feel loved & I can no longer distract myself or focus on the kids to get me threw moment to moment of emptyness. I try to talk he gets defensive and turns everything into a whos fault is it- blame game, steam rolling insults and more emotional abuse- and by the way its ALL my fault so I am also the scapegoat. Its the sadest stTe I can ever imagine being in, this type of emotional pain. I have prayed for years. I recently moved into a seperate room. It has stayed that way for 3 mths now. Im paying off my debt and by the time its paid off it will be the end of many things if I do not see an obvious intentional will to keep us together. Its the biggest hurt I have ever felt and sometimes I pray for God to just please take me home, please dont let me wake up to see the next day. To say I dont know what to do is an understatement. I have tried so many things to try to get his interest in me again. To no avail he is an empty soul who only works and talks to the kids and watches TV. I pray and grovel and cry in prayer almost daily. His window of opportunity & last calls are staring him in the face and his eyes glaze over. Once I leave there will be no turning back. I desperately hope for his eyes to open and take postive actions, but am not counting on it. How can men emotionally murder thier wives and not care i will never ever understand. I wish I never got married. Ive wasted 18years and the prime of my life for what?

I too am in a marriage where he is so disconnected. Does not say more than 10 sentences a whole evening after coming home from work. He is a great provider, and was a great lover. Had sex so often and I really enjoyed it, because unlike many men, he made love to me, taking care of me first before himself. I know that he does not have anyone on the side, even though there are a couple of women whome we know who would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Having been raised Christian, and in Asia, as is he, I am committed to the marriage. But it takes God's grace each day for me to take care of my teen daughters and their needs/lives. But the emotional side of me needs his affection & love....and I could do with the sex as well!

We stay in these marriages for the most part because there is no where to go. Divorce is costly, both in that financial aspect but also in the cost to the children's feeling of security. Divorce can really further compound issues and sometimes improves little. <br />
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That being said to stay requires an accommodation that grows more difficult with every passing day until it can be no longer tolerated. I suspect that you have arrived at that point and rightly so.<br />
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The realization that time is passing you by rapidly has made itself known to you and I suggest you start making plans to leave this environment. <br />
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This husband of yours is a pathetic human being and has shown by his actions a complete disdain for you and his family. He appears to be an embittered man and probably blames you for an unhappiness he feels but cannot pinpoint. You are just a convenient target for him to heap abuse on. <br />
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Look into a lawyer discretely and secure all the information you can relative to a separation or divorce and have it at hand. After getting this, announce your intentions and see whether this will jar him into a new attitude or simply have him agree. You may be surprised that it may awaken him at last to some new realities he was not prepared for.<br />
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Best of luck to you and thank you for your candor.

Susan<br />
You started off saying that you had been married for ten years and you were surprised it lasted that long...this suggests bitterness and anger--- 2 ugly states to overcome<br />
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You sound so lonely, hurt, and rejected; If I could I would reach out and enclose you in a warm hug. You have had some wonderful responses to your situation.<br />
I have been married for 23 years and here is what I have learned...<br />
-- at times both spouses can feel lonely, sad, and angry<br />
-- your spouse is doing what he feels a dad should do, work...it is his way of loving his family<br />
-- you happiness is your responsibility and not that of your spouse<br />
-- define personal goals and move towards obtaining such<br />
-- a marriage is all about work --- sometimes partners work together and at others one carries the load for both<br />
--develop healthy relationships with others... I am not suggesting an affair .. I am talking about expanding your world and worldview.<br />
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Most importantly develop a spiritual self... you need to nurture all aspects of your personality. If you want to see change in your marriage and relationship... "you must become the change."

I was married ONE week ago. Yes, you heard that right. We have been together for 6 years and have a 5 year old son together. We have had our ups & downs. MAJORLY. I never really wanted to get married, I don't see the point in it, but he said if we weren't going to get married then he didn't want to be with me anymore. I told him that marriage was sacred to me...that I never wanted to get married b/c people don't take it seriously anymore. I am honestly one of those people who still believe in only getting married once. I told him that it wasn't a game or a joke for me, that it was very serious & deeply sensitive. I told him that the word "divorce" should never come up in an arguement out of anger...but should only be discussed if either of us were serious. He promised that he understood. The night we got married we got into an arguement & he said he wanted a divorce. I am extremely unhappy in my relationship but I love him so much. I want it to work & can't picture myself with anyone else...but he has been so hateful to me lately, I can't believe I was stupid enough to go ahead and get married. I am so depressed & alone. I have no one to talk to. I am only 26 years old, it shouldn't be like this already...what do I do? HELP!

ok I was married 21 yrs mostly unhappy when it came to the bed room.But i stayed she went to work for 2 yrs of 21 and found a guy I say stay with him by have a afair get what you need if hes un willing to doit

My second husband & I have been married 12 years and we have a 15 year old daughter. I'm so terribly unhappy and miserable being married to him. I have brought to the attention of our problems he ignores them and don't want to deal with them. The worst thing we haven't had sex for 2 years and he wont even try to conceive our second child he keeps telling me well its up to GOD well I can't wait that long because I'm 41 and he's 47. I really want to leave and divorce him but me and my daughter has no place to live. :(

does he feel really unappreciated, or misunderstood? maybe misled? Are you having sex with him? I know personally that it is really difficult for me to have sex if I do not feel emotionally connected or at least understood by my husband. yet, sex does connect us and creates a bond that helps me be more forgiving. your husband may have had a vision of what your relationship/marriage would be like; such as you enjoying doing fun things with him(his idea of having fun like sports or cars or fishing) and having sex every day (just examples) and maybe your life together has not panned out that way???? so maybe he feels he does not float your boat anymore???... that is depressing for a husband. pray for the ability and opportunity to communicate in an NON EMOTIONAL way(ie no tears or yelling, or attacking) with hubby about things. you can start with asking him if his vision of a happy marriage with you has been realized. ask if he knows what is REALLY wrong;like why he seems distant and argumentative. you can ask if you have been a good, attentive lover, and how you can be more so. ask what you can do out of the bedroom to make him feel loved. if you ask him in LOVE, he will likely answer honestly. If you find that you have not done your part as his forever partner(by the answers he gives you) then you can apologize and tell him, show him that you want things to be better, and you are committed. If after you give it like a month doing things HIS way (with love, and not resentment) and his attitude does not change, then again, with love, in an NON EMOTIONAL WAY use calm words to tell him<br />
how lonely you have felt for so long... tell him what your vision is for a happy marriage with him... and tell him this loneliness is causing you to pull away from the marriage. tell him that you need a sexual relationship that is fulfilling and you want it to be with him. then just kinda go about your life, in a calm peaceful way and treat him nicely. watch for like 2 weeks... if he makes no changes, tell him you are considering divorce. if that does not motivate him to make some changes, then maybe it is too late for him. not for you. <br />
when you have a tendency to feel lonely and depressed, meditate on God's word. If we are depressed, it often shows a lack of hope= lack of faith, <br />
FAITH is what God wants from us... FAITH is what provokes God to bless us greatly. Your faith that God is watching over you, and that things will work out for the best of those who love Him is what will make Him happy, and your blessings will follow. Now please remember, God will not force your husband to love you, BUT IF YOU OBEY GOD AND DO WHAT HE EXPECTS FROM YOU then He will bless you... maybe you will not feel the deep pain you are feeling, maybe there will be someone out there for you in your future after divorce, maybe life will just be better... or MAYBE your marriage will be renewed and you will find comfort and laughter and solace in your husbands arms once more. But believe me, this IS a test that you can pass!!! Give your husband and marriage a chance if you have not.

Hon Has he been talked to about counseling or something?<br />
If it is truly that sad you need to get out.Don't wait until your ill like me and he leaves you in the same dipair.

Try to identify why you are staying in the relationship. I think must people stay in miserable relationships because they are afraid to move on or be alone. What is your reason? What are you getting from it??

I understand your lonlieness. I have been married going on 14 years. So many problems issues and within that two children, boys aged 12 and 8. I finally found peace in the book How to Stay Married for the Sake of you Children. I have given up all hope and moved in to my own bedroom. When I see him and feel rage and resentment building up I remind myself of the long term goal of having a lifelong happy relationship with my children. I never bash him, in fact a big change for me was stopping some of my non verbal disrespect which the boys picked up on. They will make their own decisions. Find a way to stay authentically and joyfully for the sake of your son, or if you really can';t, consider if the problems you will get from divorce are worse or better than the ones you have now. For me, it would be worse at this time to divorce; this will be sad when I am older and alone, but maybe as my boys get ever more independent and able to self protect, I might have a chance to get out and have a real relationship one day. I am finally ready for one, I think, but it is too late for this marriage. (I will spare you the details :)

Do you still love him? If you don't -leave. He sucks as a husband and father. You are not alone. I feel the same way. I'm not ready to leave yet for many reasons but you sound like you are. All I can think is it shouldn't be this hard. Remember you are not the only one with this feelings.

Hi.<br />
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I have been married for two years and I can certainly feel what you are going thorough. I am also stuck. I feel alone and not wanted. We have a 6 month old and he barely pays attention to her. He lies about where he is and it ends up he is lying to me to be with is family. Its very hard. We just have to pull through

Type your comment here...

I must first start by saying I a man...feel odd putting it out there like this, but felt it was necessary. But here's the thing, I see a great number of posts by woman that contain stories of pain, emotional...and physical trauma mixed with a great deal of confusion....I don't get it, or why does he do that, he doesn't even care, I can't figure out what I did wrong etc etc....and the list goes on and on. This might and ....well probably isn't a surprise to woman, but men ( not all, but many) are not communicators, have difficulty interpreting their emotions and others...much less conveying them with any degree of certainty. This sounds like he's got all kinds of garbage built up inside, whether it be dissatisfaction with work, money, sex, social life, the marriage in general ...or what ever he deems as negative and he may harbor resentment towards you or someone. Sounds crazy, but it sounds like displaced anger that I am sorry to say won't come out with a crow bar. Avoidance seems to be a skill that we men have mastered, we are great turning the blame and even better at hoping our issues will just go away....like poof "all gone". We hate being told "anything" and cringe at the idea of "talking"...I mean really talking.
If you want to figure this out, your gonna need to seek counseling..that's if he'll even go, as it sounds like you guys need a mediator that can keep the peace and help articulate what each other saying...so things are not taken out of turn. Sorry for the long post, but I just thought a male perspective might shed some light.
Good luck

i think you hit the nail on the head!!!