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Totally Without Direction

I am 30 year old. I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 9. I am SO unhappy. If the me I am today could meet the me I was a decade ago I would beg me to just walk away, because this life is certainly not what I was hoping for.

I went to college right out of high school, earned my Bachelor's degree. I've always been employed and working in my field. I went back to school a few years ago and am now just months away from being a registered nurse. While I have been working hard and doing everything I can to make a nice home for myself and my husband, he has not been as successful. Wow, that's putting it mildly.

He never went to college, he doesn't seem to really understand what effort, hardwork, or determination are. In the last 10 years he's been unemployed A LOT (currently he's been jobless over 4 months this time), he got arrested and placed on felony probation, he has squandered all the money we had on video games and other things we didn't need and couldn't afford. He lies. He lies to me all the time. I have gotten to the point that I don't believe anything he says.

Due to my bad choices and the state of my life, I am often depressed. I have gained a lot of weight and have no self esteem. None. I believe if I finally do the smart thing and leave him I will be alone forever. I am 30 now, and I have no children because I kept waiting to be more financially stable or for things to get better... I've really worked hard at making things better too, but you can't make any progress paddling a rowboat with one oar. I want desperately to be a mother, and I am afraid that if I walk away from this disaster of a marriage I will be alone forever with no chance of ever having a child. On the otherhand, I could never bring a child into this relationship.

So, here I am.
LilyBloomBlossom LilyBloomBlossom 31-35, F 8 Responses Jun 25, 2012

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Ditch him. What do u have to lose besides a headache?

Hope your situation improves

Well, if that's where you are, thats the place to take the first step...whatever happens in life, all roads lead to where you are..it doesn't matter whether you came the scenic route or a tricky short cut with lots of obstacles, this is where you are and it is the road ahead that is the exciting and interesting one. And what do you know? A new year is just around the corner..:) Good luck and believe in yourself ...

You need to force yourself to stop procrastinating. You are obviously intelligent and you have an insight into your situation. You instinctively don't want to hurt or be hurt; you don't want to fail - so you say one one try; you wake up and hope today will be the day it all changes.<br />
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But you are unhappy. You don't deserve that. You have one life. You have worked and grafted to make the most of opportunities. Don't deny yourself the right to be fulfilled - as a professional, as a partner in a loving, mutually sustainable relationship; as a mother; as a woman ready to be adored and admired and as a lover.<br />
Don't wait to look up and say "I'm 40" - where did it all go?<br />
Take control of your destiny

Leave, get out , free yourself from this death... and begin to live your life. You might have not physically had any children but you have a child and it is him. Get out now it will never get any better and the way it looks. He needs you, you don't need him.<br />
There is someone out there waiting for someone like yourself that would to love you correctly.

Thanks. Putting it all out there in black and white was an eye opener for me. I've brought up separating/divorcing before, but when we talk he has an annoying trait of knowing just what to say to give me a flicker of hope that he's realized his mistakes and is committed to living a better life. That maybe I can believe some of what he says. It ends up being bullshit. Fool me once shame on you... Fool me repeatedly, well... I should really be ashamed.<br />
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It really is just fear keeping me here. I'm nowhere near happy, but i know what to expect. I'm not alone if I grin and bare it. I've never been on my own, that makes it extra scary... I hope I can be strong enough.

You are obviously an intelligent woman with common sense.....you already know the answer to your own situation. This website is really the reinforcements to what you already know to be true. Taking that step to be on your own is scary, but it will be a time of growth for you. I remember the first time I lived on my own after a divorce. I learned to be my own best friend. I went to the park with my blanket a book and a radio. I went out to dinner alone...first time ever.....it felt so weird, now I do it often. I went to movies by myself. I also learned that many things in life that scared me to try usually made me grow and learn and become a stronger woman. I can tell you now that I am proud of myself for the courage I have had all my life to tackle new things . One time I read a book called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway", and I thought "Yah that's true.........it's okay to be afraid but you don't have to let your fear put roadblocks in you path.....I also read a book called "Life is a Choice" and I believe it was by Rick Pettino who was a coach for the Celtics at one time and he inspired his players to reach for their dreams. Some of these books made a real impact on my life......Go for your dreams and don't allow anyone else to hold you back.....you can do it!

Correction....it is actually called "Success is a Choice" by Rick Petino? (spelling).........i highly recommend it....It is an older book.

He is living off you.....you probably feel more like a parent than an equal partner. You are taking care of him and everything just like a parent takes care of a child. That kind of an imbalance sounds like it has run its course....You are still young........cut your losses now and I guarantee you will be through the grieving process in three months and in a wonderful relationship in a year.....................you deserve it!!!

You said it best - you could, and should, never bring a child into that relationship as it is.<br />
He sounds unmotivated, lazy, has no goals, and he doesn't care to hold a job on top of lying to you and blowing through all your money. There is no turst in your marriage, and if you do not even have that, which is one of the BASIC building blocks that make a solid foundation in any relationship, what do you really have? <br />
You are simply staying in this marriage out of fear. <br />
If you stay with him, your chances of having a child may be slim - but do you really want to have child and be linked to this type of guy for then next 18+ years of your life?