Totally Without DirectionI am 30 year old. I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 9. I am SO unhappy. If the me I am today could meet the me I was a decade ago I would beg me to just walk away, because this life is certainly not what I was hoping for.
I went to college right out of high school, earned my Bachelor's degree. I've always been employed and working in my field. I went back to school a few years ago and am now just months away from being a registered nurse. While I have been working hard and doing everything I can to make a nice home for myself and my husband, he has not been as successful. Wow, that's putting it mildly.
He never went to college, he doesn't seem to really understand what effort, hardwork, or determination are. In the last 10 years he's been unemployed A LOT (currently he's been jobless over 4 months this time), he got arrested and placed on felony probation, he has squandered all the money we had on video games and other things we didn't need and couldn't afford. He lies. He lies to me all the time. I have gotten to the point that I don't believe anything he says.
Due to my bad choices and the state of my life, I am often depressed. I have gained a lot of weight and have no self esteem. None. I believe if I finally do the smart thing and leave him I will be alone forever. I am 30 now, and I have no children because I kept waiting to be more financially stable or for things to get better... I've really worked hard at making things better too, but you can't make any progress paddling a rowboat with one oar. I want desperately to be a mother, and I am afraid that if I walk away from this disaster of a marriage I will be alone forever with no chance of ever having a child. On the otherhand, I could never bring a child into this relationship.
So, here I am.
LilyBloomBlossom 31-35, F 8 Responses 0 Jun 25, 2012