Unhappy And Confused

I have joined this forum as i am struggling with happiness and worried my marriage is failing. I will tell u a little bit about me so u can try and understand my life so far. Apologies for length of post! I had my first child when I was 20 and my second at 23, shortly after this my partner left unexpectedly and the children and I have hardly seen him since this time (14 years). At the time he left my mum was diagnosed with a progressive terminal illness and died 6 years ago, after 10 years of illness. I struggled immensely with this, as my mum was my rock. I met my husband 12 years ago and had a 3rd child who is now 6. When we first met i was suffering with depression and had my doubts about our future together. Saying that, I thought hard and truly believed we had a long future together. Over the years we have argued a lot and had quite a few ups and downs. This includes financial problems which led me to getting a second job (i already work full time and am the main breadwinner). I recently managed to save up enough money to have a holiday of a lifetime with my best friend, my first time on my own in 18 years. The holiday was amazing, and I had a wonderful time. During the last few days I met a man who I instantly clicked with and spent the evening with. Nothing intimate happened but I felt a real connection. I don't see him again (my choice), I didn't feel any guilt as it was the first time I had felt like me in 18 years. Sorry this is long winded. Since I arrived home I have had extreme feelings of sadness and anxiety. The anxiety had subsided but I constantly feel unhappy. I have no patience with my husband and don't want to spend any time with him. All I can think about is how wonderful it was to be on holiday, feeling happy and free, and am now starting to doubt our future together. Friends have recommended spending some quality time together but i don't want to be close to him at the moment. I have started to resent how much little of my money I see as I have to support the family. I can't see how to move forward. I have been on antidepressants for the last year which helped loads, but since my holiday I feel lost.
katiek44 katiek44
36-40, F
1 Response Jul 6, 2012

Been there done that...I was married at 19- First baby at 21 second at 24....(third at 30) stayed married for 16 years... but right after the 3rd baby I thought something just wasnt there anymore and I had been hiding behind the kids instead of really looking at our marriage. So after 5 more years of being married and we got further and further apart...I went out of town for a job ( I was a part time Wedding Photographer) and met a very charming, very young, and very flirtatious young man. We had the best time at the wedding...flirting, he asked for my number, called later that night, met me and my assistant out for a beer afterwards...Although nothing happened...I knew then I had been "pretending" for the last 5 years...Pretending I was happy, thinking that was all there was to my life...5 days later I looked at my husband (we were married for 16, but together for 19 years) and said..."cant do this anymore". I've never looked back...It's been hard...I have three children all of which are boys...They were mad at me for leaving their father...My inlaws hated me...But through all of that I knew I couldn't "pretend" anymore....My mom's words to me the last year before my divorce were " I don't want to be having this same discussion with you when your 50!" You only get one life...Go out there and find what makes you happy! I will never say it hasnt been the hardest three years of my life- but I will say the freedom to actually look for what makes me happy...Makes it all worth it!

Thank u nikkids for sharing yr experience. I still can't make my mind up what to do. I feel guilty about wanting to split up as I don't want to hurt my children or my husband, but I feel that my unhappiness is bringing everyone else down as well. I feel unhappy all the time I'm in his company, and thats not right! I don't want to spend any time with him. I've explained how I am feeling in general, but just can't pinpoint whether it is just me, or if my marriage has run its course. Still so confused :(