Worst Kind Of TortureI've just realised this. What my husband is doing to me is torture. No, he doesn't hurt me, not physically. He doesn't touch me. In fact, this is the torture. That he doesn't touch me... He doesn't hug me, he doesn't hold my hand, he doesn't initiate sex with me, he doesn't kiss me. In fact, he doesn't even look at me or talk to me. If he does decide to hug me when we are sleeping together in the same bed, I feel happy. I feel loved. If he does decide to talk to me, joke with me, be kind to me, I feel ecstatic. I have begun to think like a really good detective. I collect little bits of information, hang on to whatever I can, to prove to myself that he does, in fact, care.
I am not ugly, not at all. I used to think I was very attractive. I was told time and again that I was. Sure, I've put on a little weight since then but not that much that I am now something to be avoided at all cost. And I've lost most of it now anyway. But maybe I've also lost other things. Like my sparkly eyes, the spring in my step, my smile, my playfulness, my confidence, my belief in my worth as a woman. I've lost a huge part of me as a result of this torture.
I don't care anymore why he does it. I don't care whether it is because of things we've been through or because things that I've done or because things that he has done or because things that have happened to him as a child or because things that has happened to me as a child or because he is like this, or because he is a bastard, he is a cruel, selfish bastard I don't care, I don't care why. All I want is to be free of it. And I am stuck. I am so stuck I can't even conceive of being free any more. I can't think of a future. I see myself as lacking so much. No one can possibly want me, no one can possibly treat me the way I need, I crave to be treated.
I am only 34, men have been madly in love with me in the past. I believed in myself in the past. But that feels like a different time and a different woman. And there is nothing I can do. I crave the touch of another human being. And I live with it.