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Worst Kind Of Torture

I've just realised this. What my husband is doing to me is torture. No, he doesn't hurt me, not physically. He doesn't touch me. In fact, this is the torture. That he doesn't touch me... He doesn't hug me, he doesn't hold my hand, he doesn't initiate sex with me, he doesn't kiss me. In fact, he doesn't even look at me or talk to me. If he does decide to hug me when we are sleeping together in the same bed, I feel happy. I feel loved. If he does decide to talk to me, joke with me, be kind to me, I feel ecstatic. I have begun to think like a really good detective. I collect little bits of information, hang on to whatever I can, to prove to myself that he does, in fact, care.

I am not ugly, not at all. I used to think I was very attractive. I was told time and again that I was. Sure, I've put on a little weight since then but not that much that I am now something to be avoided at all cost. And I've lost most of it now anyway. But maybe I've also lost other things. Like my sparkly eyes, the spring in my step, my smile, my playfulness, my confidence, my belief in my worth as a woman. I've lost a huge part of me as a result of this torture.

I don't care anymore why he does it. I don't care whether it is because of things we've been through or because things that I've done or because things that he has done or because things that have happened to him as a child or because things that has happened to me as a child or because he is like this, or because he is a bastard, he is a cruel, selfish bastard I don't care, I don't care why. All I want is to be free of it. And I am stuck. I am so stuck I can't even conceive of being free any more. I can't think of a future. I see myself as lacking so much. No one can possibly want me, no one can possibly treat me the way I need, I crave to be treated.

I am only 34, men have been madly in love with me in the past. I believed in myself in the past. But that feels like a different time and a different woman. And there is nothing I can do. I crave the touch of another human being. And I live with it.
seventhswan seventhswan 31-35 5 Responses Aug 4, 2012

Your Response


OMG! I could write the exact same thing word for word. It's as if I wrote it! There's. Nothing lacking even down to the age. So what can we do? Just live with it? Oh what torment it is!! Just hold on.

If he showed a lack of caring about your feelings a few times already chances are he doesn't care. He is stuck with some problem only he can solve and will not solve it do to pride. It doesn't matter what you look like, or your attitude there are always multiple people out there they love being around you. You deserve to be treated with affection. I hope you find your way out. If I ever get my way out, i'll be looking to help others like you.

I guess keep trying to talk to him. Keep trying to initiate physical contact. Keep the issue up for discussion. They are your needs, so they are important. But I do understand that it's hard to open yourself up emotionally when you don't feel like the other person is responding in kind. If none of that works maybe counseling, either for you as an individual or as a couple is wha'ts needed.

I have, several times. But he doesn't even respond. He just stays quiet or even if he acknowledges that he understand, nothing changes... I don't know what to do anymore... :(

Have you tried to talk to your husband about how his actions are making you feel? Put A LOT of effort into making the relationship work. Try very hard to find that level of mutual understanding. Long-term relationships require a lot of work and patience to maintain. It's worth it to really try and make everything work. But granted your husband has to put some effort in too.