Verbally Abusive Relationship

I am 60 yrs old. I am intelligent,I am educated I am emotionally aware, I have a job,I have a daughter and 2grandchildren that I love, I have family members thatI love.
I have been in a relationship which has sometimes been physically abusive and which has always been verbally abusive for 40years.
I am at the end of my tether, I am miserable I hate my life, a lot of the time I hate myself,and yet I stay!
he tells me I am stupid , fat, old a control freak.That people don't like me.That I am no good at my job,that he doesn't know why he stays with me.He bullies me into sex,and silence.
He threatens me that he will get me into trouble with information about me past tax misdeeds.He tells me that he will make sure that I don't get any money from the house.He threatens that he will not see our grandchildren.
I could go on forever.He has not hit me since I got the police years ago.He has stopped drinking in AA for 25yrs.
He undermines me instructs me belittles me ignores me.
Then he tells me he loves me , makes me dinner sends me nice texts.
Is it me? Will I never be happy ? Why can't I leave?
Pollyc Pollyc
56-60, F
7 Responses Sep 8, 2012

Dr Lawrence saved my marriage within 3days of contact,i contacted him in regard of my husband who left me for another woman i tried all the methods i know to get him back but to no avail then a good friend of mine Mrs maria introduce me to drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail. com who cast a powerful and wonderful spell that brought him back to me in just 3days i really want to use this medium to advice that for solution regarding any relationship issues contact the temple and all your worry s will be gone:drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail. com

I am in the same situation, this person has spit on me, urinated in a cup and dashed it at me, hits me, pulls my hair, tells me I am dumb, retarded, liar, probably a cheater and tells my kids bad things about me. He acts like it is my duty to have sex with him becaue he is my husband but i never want to have sex with him because he is such an a***hole, i hate my life. He accuses me of messing with the neighbors, (mind you I have never met them) everything I do is geared toward men. My job is talked about like it is a club when I work hard everyday. We have numbers we have to meet and there is not much time for play. I am treated so bad and I am so miserable but yet I stay and I want to leave so bad. I dreamof having my own place and waking up happy. I work, have my own car, can take care of myself and I am enrolled in college online with university of phoenix. He just broke my laptop the other day because i dropped my son off at a restaurant on his birthday with his girlfriend and the girls father introduced himself. He was arguing before I left brining up men and he said I was dishones and lie about men all the time. He broke the kitchen table. I honestly can say I dont think I like him at all and then I stay, I need help as well and feel your pain as I know what you are going through.

Your opening paragraph describes me perfectly as well, except I have two daughters. Unbeknown to me my wife has been emotionally abusive to me for 40 years too. Even now I don't think she even realises it but I reallly don't know anymore. On the one side she's absolutely lovely in all regards but her other side comes out way too often. I'm now dealing with the abuse and no longer buy into the demeaning/self doubt/'only joking' cutting remarks. But I also know she's never really going to change but i'm still here, why? Don't really know, must be my own insecurities or something similar. You & I have to learn to trust ourselves. We know we're good people, know we could make a good life, know we can give and receive love/passion & glorious sex with a partner who doesn't have the issues of ours. We have a duty to those we love but a greater duty to ourselves, that is where I fall down, I've been very bad at taking care of me. I thought I was blessed in many ways & thought I could afford to give, little did i realise how much I gave away and how much it has cost me.
The only way to make it better is for us to make the necessary changes to our lives and not give in to the bullshit handed out to us over the years. We have given way, way too much and now we have to take action for the salvation of our souls. I know, so much easier said than done, we just have to believe in ourselves.
Take care & good luck. Message me if you want to talk in private. xx

unfortunately, your past history with them of how many years has trained them into believing that this behaviour is acceptable to you both and that it works. I highly doubt that your spouse will agree to counselling because that would be counter productive to his beliefs..as well as that would also be an admission that maybe he has done something wrong..and that just isn't true in his mind. My thinking is that you should be leaving and setting up on your own. You say that basically you are self-sufficient so now is the time to be so. It will make your life much better, and in the same period it will make his much worse. I am not saying it will be easy but you did invest how many years in setting up for this misery so maybe consider investing the same time and effort into making yourself happier. You will still have your family and friends and possibly someone new.

I've never heard of learned hopelessness....do you mean learned helplessness? And no that doesn't apply to me I am very self sufficient I've had to be! I never know when he is going to withdraw any support he gives, for instance picking up our grandchildren when their parents are working,if he is not in the mood he will just not do it, so in general, I take care of most things myself, I can't afford to trust him or depend on him.The issue is more about the effect this has had on my self esteem, I am afraid that I will be alone!!!! That its true that I am a horrible person that no one likes and that I am not capable.and yet the evidence says something quite different! Oh I am so mixed up!!!

Thank you both for your comments ! You don't know how much it helps to hear similar stories,it helps me to realize that it's not me.I have lost all perspective.My head says that his behaviour and that things that he says are unacceptable cruel,cold and vicious,but emotionally I suppose I am scared that they might be true. In the past few days I have started the process of finding somewhere else to live,I have set up counseling for myself,and I have started to collect documents I need.The worst thing is that he is now being chroming and helpful,and I am scared that I will waver! I know that the pattern is always the same, no matter what I have done over the years, whenever things are not going right for him, he will be aggressive nasty and do his best to hurt me, he humiliates me, is sways telling me how useless I am, and I can never tell when that is going to happen.I walk on eggshells, I don't tell him anything, I can't trust or confide in him. So why is it so hard to leave???

wow this sounds a lot like my husband! We have been married 28 years in a week or so.
My h has never been physically abusive, although I am afraid of him....
My h still drinks. He cooks a lot (I work full time and he doesn't) puts some hand picked flowers on my dinner tray... But he is not "in" a relationship with me he is angry all the time. He doesn't think I will ever leave him, but I am getting closer! I am scared