I Just Don't Know What To Do

It is refreshing to hear that I am not the only one going through this. As I read over some of your other stories and realize how similar they are to mine, I am kind of at ease that it is not just me, there's not just something horribly wrong with me, but that these kind of things happen. I, too, got married young, my husband was my best friend and i love him but i don't know if i was ever really 'in love' with him. like what other people have said, i often have thought of just running and never looking back but i have two young children and i am afraid of what it will do to them. my hubby and i have talked about this, and i feel like i have done what i can and there are times that things seem ok for a while but then they just slide right back down. I have the added element of deep regret of a past 'potential' love that was never saught out but those feelings are ever constant on my mind. I'm not the type of person to cheat but i feel like my heart has never fully belonged to my husband at all. How long am i supposed to 'stick it out' to make this marriage work before it is just useless efforts? my husband doesnt want me to leave, but really how unfair is it to him for me to stay? or is that just a lie i'm telling myself to give fire to the 'leaving' arguement...

I also feel like it is selfish of me to put my happiness over my kids', but at the same time realize that if i am in an unhappy marriage, how can that be a good atmosphere for my children to grow up in? Kids don't need to have two parents living together to grow up to be good people. They may be mad/resentful for a while, but eventually can learn to forgive the parent that left and move on. I think it is easier for them to accept if they are younger when it happens.
I am a christian who doesnt believe in simple divorce, but I also don't think it's black and white. I hear people saying that I made a commitment and now i have to live with that, but I just really don't think it's that simple. I know several people who are divorced, some where OK'd by pastors.
I love getting time away from my kids. I know that is one of the worst things to say as a parent. I love them, but i just really enjoy time without them. If I were to leave, because of the situation, my husband would have majority custody... but would I be ok with that? would they?
I just keep thinking of the little things i do around the house as a stay-at-home mom, it's not a lot cuz i have medical issues, but just the extra things my husband would have to pick up doing if I were gone and it's not fair to put that all on him, but is that a reason to stay in a marriage if i'm not in love?

Any responses greatly appreciated.
fireinhiseyes fireinhiseyes
26-30, F
1 Response Nov 29, 2012

have you felt the dsire to be with another man ? I know you would not do that yet,,,but have you felt that temptaton,,

Well not in a physical sense. Even with this other guy that has been constantly on my mind and in my heart, it is more of an emotional thing. Even if i chose to leave my husband i would not be running straight to this other guy to sleep with him or anything. But it is an emotional thing. I didnt give him the chance years ago when we worked together, and i turned him away again in college after a brief hesitation on my part and had my now husband convince me that brief hesitation meant i shouldnt be with him so i pushed him away. and then he moved out of state and i let him go, didnt even know he was leaving cuz i was too wrapped up in my own stuff at the time, and then my best friend (now hubby) helped me thru a tough time in my life and the help and putting my needs first, and that connection we shared along with him asking me out had me thinking i was falling in love with him.
We have always gotten along great, as good friends have. When I have brought up to him that i think it may have always just been friendship love, he says that's not true because we can be intimate together, but honestly i think the intimacy is more one sided until it is at a point where it is just fulfilling a 'need' if u get my drift...lol.

we all need to get the needs,,fulfilled,,lol