Defeated, Depleted & Destroyed.

It's been a long, testing 4 years. There have been many incredible ups and devestating lows. It has been a hell of a journey to which I'm not sure what lessons are to be learned, whether there is a purpose for all that I am enduring. Every part of me that I once was so familiar and confident has slowly disappeared and rarely shines. 4 years of doubt.

I am married (going on 5 years), have two brilliant little girls who are 3.5 (shes really 7) and an 18month old. I have a chocolate lab, a house, incredibly supportive and loving parents; and though on the outside looking in everything is perfect and happy, to me, there is a clear indiciation that things are not.
I am literally on the verge of completely loosing my marbles. Everyday is another day which I am desperate to stand up and smile, but the reality is this: in the last 4 years i have gotten married, changed careers, gotten pregnant twice, bought two houses, suffered prenatal and postpartum depression twice, almost lost my 2nd child, fell into clinical depression brought on by guilt, found out that I am suffering from Hypothyroidism brought on by pregnancy and to top it all off - my husband who I am so engraved in, so entwined with...is a cop. yup. 5 years. Let me tell you how quickly a man changes in 5 years. It is a rude awakening. He left to go to Police College 2 weeks after we got married, and 2.5 months into our marriage I found out that I was pregnant. He missed the entire first trimester. He was so preoccupied with his career (understandably so, its very intense), that he didn't even realize or understand what was happening with me. At that time, I did whatever he needed me to do. He needed support in this dream job he has wanted since he was 4. I woke up when he woke up to make sure his lunch was packed and gave him a kiss. I would stay up at night to make sure he got home ok so that I could give him a kiss. I would literally lug my daughter and i back and forth from my parents during his night shifts so that he could sleep during the day. I did it so that he could adjust to the demands of the job. I did it because I love him. That's what good wives do. They make sacrafices, comprimises, meet the demands of life. He became ragefully angry, and distant from me. He socialized with his platoon more than he did with me and my daughter. He drank more. He smoked more. As hard as he tried to live both worlds, the more he sank deeply into the life of a cop (most of which is still a secret to me). We lived across the street from his parents, down the street from his grandfather and above his brother. There was no sense of privacy. His parents saw everything, while my brother inlaw heard everything and i just kept trying to put a smile on my face and stay focused on my marriage and my baby. It wasn't long afterwards where the depression sank in, i was exhausted of being a married-single mom. The man i once adored and loved was a stranger to me. It went on like this for 8 months after the baby was born. Then the first eveidence of mistrust. Nude picture on a phone of a girl, AFTER our family photoshoot. I caught him red handed. When questioned he denied it. He told me to wait in the bedroom so we can talk. He came in and threw the phone at me and when i looked- it was gone...everything....deleted. Photos of my daugther, videos of us...everything wiped. He thought i was stupid. I left to my moms for 2 weeks. I couldn't believe someone that I trusted, loved, admired...would hurt me that much. I sacraficed everything for our marriage (irish-muslim wedding).He was so different, so harsh, so cold. I came back because my daughter was so sick and her ped. was seconds away from my house. All the promises he made....i believed him. i said he needed to work on my trust. its not a light switch. i believed him. Nothings changed after 4 years.

I have two children with him. They love their father. He makes them laugh. They play silly games. He puts them to bed. He does these things with them because he loves them. He claims to love me, but then why does he not take me out to dinner, or a show? Why haven't i met any of his work mates in 5 years or attend a station xmas party? He always make promises about dates and then days before, he cancels on me. He will call me when i'm at my moms and tell me that he misses me and the girls, when i get home he'll draw me a bath and promise me a massage, but when i do come home..all those promises gone. I try to invite people over for dinner and he complains about having to "share" his beer or how he hopes the guests cancel on us. He grits his teeth at the though of sex or of being romantic. I dont need sex, I need a man who can show me sensitivity, adoration, apprecation. He can't. He doesn't have any sense of what that word means. He has never mentioned how he loves my eyes, or how soft my lips are...i dont care if i look good, or pretty, but what makes me look that way? I feel like those little things are much more intimate and romantic than "babe, you look pretty today" when hes not looking at me. If you do not water your garden, do the flowers not die? I feel like i have nothing left and what little is left i give to the children.

My adoring, beautiful girls. I love them so much, but i dont feel like i'm doing my best as a mom. I'm constantly tired, or depressed or yelling or crying. My emotions with them are everywhere. I was a great mother of 1, i handled it well. I had paitence to homeschool, to do field trips, to be active with my first and God bless her, she's a brilliant gifted, empathetic, compassionate little 3.5 year old. I'm a terrible mother of 2. I have no clue how after 18 months of being a mom of two, i can't get it right. If one isn't crying, the other is whining. If the oldest isn't throwing a tantrum, the youngest is screaming because i'm not picking her up and the dogs barking because someone is at the door. The 3.5 year old is in an enriched school 3 days a week. The 18 month old is at home with me, and i can't even find the energy to go for a walk or do something constructive with her. I dont do nearly as much with her as I did with the first and i feel terrible. When there is no cooperation or i'm feeling defeated and overwhelemd I yell. I feel so horrible, it pains me inside, but i dont know what elese to do. I dont want to spank or punch the walls or throw things...all i can do is walk away and scream. I feel trapped. I feel stuck. They deserve a mom who wouldnt get so frusterated over such little things. Reality is i'm sooooo tired. Phsycially, mentally, emtionally drained. I have no sense of control over my tears or screaming ... it just happens and before i know it, its over and i'm left feeling guilty. i think to myself of what a disappointing, crazy mother i am to these 2 children but insinde i know i'm desperately trying to give them everything and be everything they need me to be. but i'm too tired right now. i've tried medications, but my dr says that i'm not chemically depressed, its environmental despression combined with all the issues above. no amount of pills will help. i dont sleep because the 18month old is still not sleeping the night, i barely get 5 hours of interrupted sleep. i'm not into sleep medications- 1) if she slept through the night i would be too and 2)i cant take them anyways because she doesn't sleep through the night. I love my children more than life itself, i just wish that the mom i know who is sitting buried beneath all the garbage, was here. the mom i know i really am.

I often wonder if its me. If this is what I deserve as a life. The smart me...before the chaos would have said "hell no. don't be foolish. you know its not you!!", After years of slowly disappearing mentally and emtionally, after years of being broken down emotionally how can I think other wise? If I didnt, wouldn't it have changed by now? Would he not see that I am something that needs to be nurished, loved...appreciated? Why would anyone get married if they couldn't do that for their partner? Let me make one thing clear-he does do his share of dishes, laundry and bedtime with the kids...I'm not complaining about that...in fact that has nothing to do with the story at all. He's certainly come a very long way with those committments. He's just a terrible husband. In the mist of all the above, I am loosing myself in sense of the being. I am trying to keep it togther. Trying to be strong. Trying to be everything. Trying to be alive. Reality is, I just don't see the point of it all anymore. I try I try I try and still no one listens to me, no one hears what i'm saying no one, no on understands the odd sense absense. All I want to do is scream. All i want to do yell, jump, bang **** together. All i want to do is run around a room screaming or jump out of a plane and scream so loud so that everyone could hear me, and after its all said and done, just stop. Stop talking. Stop listening. Stop caring. Stop giving. Not forever, but long enough so that when i'm ok (if that's even a real sense of state) I can do all of those things and actually feel them. Feel the moment.
browneyeblues browneyeblues
31-35, F
6 Responses Dec 11, 2012

Wow. This is really unfortunate.

You know, I actually plan of becoming a Police Constable myself one day. I have been through the schooling and was actually active in the RCMP's hiring process for 1.5 years before they decided not to hire me (I assume because of my age). That being said, I remember all of my instructors telling our class that once you actually do become a PC, it is extremely important do have friends that our not PCs themselves. The reason being is that the very nature of the job will eventually give light to what they referred to as "piece of **** syndrome" - that is, looking down on everyone around you as being untrustworthy/ unworthy. So if a PC only hangs around other PCs (which looks to be the case with your husband) than eventually the only people that they are every going to trust and respect is their own.

Given how weak minded people in this world already are, I image this is the case with a lot of PCs. If fact, my instructors themselves admitted to us the their divorce rates are amongst the highest of all professions.

There are a lot of reasons why I know this will never happen to me. I'll share my mindset in one regard that relates to what your going through right now. For one, there is nothing more that I want more in life than to feel whole. I will never be able to do that without the right women by my side. During my 1.5 year process with the RCMP, I refused to start a relationship with anyone because such a job would have caused me to relocate significantly and I knew that I could never leave such a woman for something so material. After all how can I? That woman would become a part of me and losing her would me like getting sliced down the middle (low odds of survival btw, lol).

Anyway, in my opinion, you have done all that you can. I can assure you that coming from a much more tragic family setting myself, that being in a fractured relationship is not going to be good for anyone, especially your daughters. All that you are doing is using the love for a man you once knew 5 years ago to blind your better judgement. This man had a nude photo of another woman of his phone for crying out loud! You are clearly not number one priority in his world. What you probably are to him is an image. An image of a wife and kids that is considered the norm in society. Maybe, you like that image yourself? Of the man you married and said your vows to with the children that you both have had together living happily ever after.

The decision of whether or not to leave this man is in your hands. However, if your husband is incapable of returning as much affection and compassion that you are showing him, then from my perspective, the two of you are no longer in love with each other. After all, true love should be mutual, right?

Thanks for your honesty. It's been a long five years, and in all honesty... I do like the image of the cop the wife and the kids, but I am from a family that is still together and worked through hell and back and with gods grace still married 36 years... I've seen how hard my parents worked at it and i know I can have that too - it's worth the effort and until those blinders fall off I am in this... gods timing is everything and when the time comes, I have faith so will the answers.

Lots has progresses since this post, and lots still hasn't...


Thank you for your honesty and putting forth a question that i wouldn't have normally answered truthfully.

No problem.

Only you have all the factors to make a decision. I would just like to add that I do not see a problem working out a marriage, but it only really makes sense to me if the feeling between both parties is mutual. If not then you are merely trying to coerce him into changing and all that will really accomplish is you changing amongst other things.

Take care of yourself and your kids!

you are in my prayers.
Happiness is an inside job, no one can make you happy but you. others can contribute to your happiness, but ultimately you are responsible. Continue to work on yourself, everything happens for a reason. We don't always like the reason, but certainly we need to go through things to learn the lesson. The good news is, every lesson turns into a blessing.

Again- you couldn't have said it better. Thank you.

are you venting or asking for guidance....suggestions ?

I think it was both to be honest. I've literally exhausted every resource and everything within me. And again- I just can't accept disappointment time and time again.

Take one day at a time. Things will become clearer as time goes by. Meantime you just HAVE to look after your kids cos no one else can... hugs...

Thank you so much. I appreciate your support.

I think it is very healthy to talk about the way you feel. To help your kids grow you will have to be a complete rock. From what I understand of your writings they are your complete world. I am sure you are an amazing mother also. Happiness is something every family unit deserves. If you need to chat on email thats okay. Just reach out and a path for you will become clear.x

I have been where you are and am very happy to no longer be in that position. After some excellent counseling, I decided to leave the marriage. I'm not suggesting that leaving the marriage is the answer for you; counseling, however, should help you decide what it is you want out of life. Your happiness is imperative to the growth and development of your children. If you won't do it for yourself, seek help for your children. You all deserve happiness. You must have great insurance since your husband is a police officer and there are tons of challenges for both of you considering his position alone. I wish you all good luck!

Thank you for your support. I am in counseling, have been it 3 years. Try insist on focusing on myself and out the marriage secondary. When I do eveything is smooth, because I numb my emotions and resentment. When my husband disappoints me emotionally (going for dinner or to a friends house and cancels) then all of what I had out aside for the moment floods through the gates and literally drowns me. It's been 3 weeks since the last disappointment happened and I'm struggling to handle what I can and then refocus. I can't. I hate "sweeping". He refuses to come to sessions, even if Its an outside source from my therapist. He doesn't believe in it. I've literally exhausted all resources.
You're right- at surface I know I deserve happiness and my girls do too. But deep down, I'm struggling to comprehend what the right thing to do really is. For all of our sakes. I'm love him very much. I admire what he does as a job (i worked for attorney generals) office I appreciate the time an commitment it truly takes to be a good officer... I just believe that the same effort has to go towards a marriage.
Thank you again.

Keep the focus on your therapy and don't give up on yourself. You have value! Being the wife of a police officer is challenging. Get as much support as you can.