Stay Or Go?

I have been with my wife for 27yrs and married for 12yrs. She is very manipulative and controlling and i just feel totally beat down and alone like i have nowhere to turn.
we dont hardly talk i cant find a way to express how i feel ,i feel anxious when we are together and im afraid to raise a point to discuss, after many years of not being able to voice my opinioins. i dont have any support no real friends.
I have been thinking about leaving and i told her this and then she started making me feel guilty about everything about who i am and my behaviour.
She says im not willing to try to salvage the marriage, i just dont know what to do?
steed66 steed66
46-50, M
4 Responses Dec 13, 2012


Wow Steed....Im just now reading all of your posts. I find we are so similar in so many ways. I think I wrote many if not all of your exact words through the years Ive dealt with this.

My biggest issue has been the breakup of our family. My wife was reacting out of her own fears and lack of confidence and internal issues. We all do it to some degree but when a married couple react poorly or aggressively or disconnect out of their fears and self worth issues....its a disaster every single time.

I stayed though...Ive been finding self worth apart from anyone or anything else. Ive been called "depressed" by our counselor and by her and by others and in hindsight they are right. i am/was depressed. Ive lost a sense of my integrity and destroyed it when I was cheating. It has yet to be restored but Im working on it.

Ive stayed with her now long enouhg to see her working on her own issues and successfully so. Now Im sad that she is trying so hard and reaching out to me and cries and is so distraught over my eventual leaving that seeing each other is so difficult. I do still have affection and love for her and she is truly an amazing person/woman/mother/friend on so many ways and now she is giving that to me; She has given me confort and kindness and worked hard to save our marraige. In contract and because Ive fallen in love with another woman...i have not done as much for her or our marraige though I am still there for her in every other I can be. I support giving her the house and everything...equity and retirement and paying for her new car and health insurance and cell phone and the mortgage and enough to pay all the other bills while I have little or nothing left for myself. I think I feel guilty for leaving...for falling for another woman.

i cant continue on here today or Ill never leave this computer and I have to go. Ill be back...

My friend

RESPECT. Her lack of it for you and your lack of it for yourself. Nothings going to change unless you change it as I'm sure you've read on here. You are more than you display by your writing on this site, but, unless you decide on and maintain your own boundaries she's not going to do a thing and will keep on pushing your buttons. If you feel you are worth more than you get at the moment then you have to establish what is right and proper for you. Don't fuss too much about being fair and reasonable, manipulators will take advantage of that, go with your gut and establish what is 'right' in an adult, loving and caring environment and tell her that's what you need and expect, and stick to it. Don't let it slide she'll most likely keep pushing for her end.........well, that's what you can try at least, if you want to.
But if she's as bad as your words portray you should leave anyway but if you've established your boundaries before you leave, and kept to them, it'll do no end of good for your self esteem as you move forward.
Good luck.

Over the years she has erroded my self esteem and confidence,theres no love or intimacy or sex for over 3yrs. My work keeps me alone working on a machine and some times i can have nobody to talk to for weeks.When i get home i say nothing just to keep the peace

Change can not come from anyone else but you...

Leave. You need to find yourself and what makes you happy. You're just prolonging the inevitable. Sorry, been there...done that.

i dont know who i am anymore and what makes me happy,even now if my wife knew i was on this site she would go mental, and the arguments and put downs would start