At 49 What Now

I have had one hell of a life. Abused as a kid I got pregnant at 14 and had 3 kids by the time I was 19. I was married at 14 and divorced by 22. I married again at 27 and had another child.

I married a very smart man who has family issues, so intimacy is not something he does well. Over the years we have both hurt each other. Never cheating, but a lot of words. I left for 4 years and have recently returned. What I am starting to realized is that he is going to carry with him every hurt that has ever happened to him. He was actually telling me about something that happened in 3rd grade that upset him and he remembers it vividly. I don't remember last week. I have worked hard to become someone I am proud of. He seems to have created a work of fiction based on everything bad I have ever done and that is how he chooses to see me. There is no forgiving or forgetting in his world, just resentment.

I can't make a move because I have no job or money. I don't even have a support system. I the last year I have started to take care of me and my family seems to resent it. Parents, siblings, and kids who have made me the bad guy. i am officially sick of being the disappointment of others.

At 49 what now? I would like to get a job in another part of the Country and leave everyone behind. Then when they get a grip they can come see me. I want to find a little place and disappear. I want some peace. I wish for a day to come when someone in my life can look back and appreciate something about me.
StarlaRose StarlaRose
46-50, F
1 Response Dec 15, 2012

Start by getting some job skill that will pay the bills. You can become a nurse (just an example) in a year. Take that time to learn more about yourself so you can be happy and comfortable with yourself like Lubster recommends. Then, you can move where ever your heart desires!!

Whatever you do, I hope you find joy on your path!! :-)

I actually have a Ba and a MS degree, I just hate my field. So at this point I am playing the"What Color is My Parachute" game. I feel indecisive and confused. I never got the opportunity to grow up and figure out what I wanted to be, so now I just don't know. It is like I am having to go through things that I didn't do when I was a kid. Like career exploration.

That is the hard part. They say do what you love and you never work a day in your life!! I am too old to get paid for what I want to do all the time!!

I am getting ready to start an MBA program so I have something to use when I grow up!! Then, time and opportunity permitting, I want to open up a Chick-Fil-A or a 7-11 franchise.

What do you do in your spare time that you would miss work for?

I love gardening and cooking, but i am limited in my physical ability to do things. I have always had issues with stamina and my ability to deal with heat, so I am limited in what I can do. It really sucks. I would love to write a cookbook or be able to do a cooking show. I love to write in general, but that ain't gonna pay the rent! I have to be practical. Unfortunately what I love pays jack.

I'm sorry to hear about your health concerns.

I am separated and totally afraid of what to do next. So I feel your anxiety. That is why I am going back to school. To find what is next in my life.

1 More Response