Anxiety, Heartache... Sacrafice.

Story is rather simple, yet so very complicated.

I was married before to a drug addict... I didn't know it at the time until it was too late. Married, built a beautiful home together & he decided to love drugs more again... I had to bolt, I couldn't deal. He lost the house & ended up in prison for 3 years & is now back to the good guy. I'm happy for him, I want that for him as we all deserve to live a good life if we can make the choices to make that happen.

Anyway- when I moved out from my 1st husband, I was spending a lot of time with a lifelong friend who was at the time, losing his dad to cancer. We leaned on one another & one thing lead to another after a night at the bar & I ended up pregnant. 1 year later, due to a lot of encouragement from family, we got married. I already had my big wedding so this was just us, our immediate family & pastor. I cried because I knew it's not what I wanted but it's what I thought was best for our child.

Now- 10 years later with 3 kids, I still struggle. We went to therapy many times & each time I tell myself to make this work, that I have to for the kids. When I consume myself in them or my work, I don't think about anything but my kids & such. BUT... I go through periods of time that I consume myself with the thought of NEVER loving again & never being loved again, it hurts & bad. I end up having major anxiety, my stomach just tightens & my heart literally starts breaking apart and I can feel every piece.

We are GOOD together as parents though for the most part. He's a good guy, I honestly don't have anything bad to say about him, therefore, I could never justify just walking out.. he comes home after work, he's very involved with the kids, he helps out around the house, he doesn't abuse me... but he doesn't love me either like that. He will say he does just to keep the family together, but he doesn't.

I've tried & I've broken down before and just recently I saw him make a very intimate gesture towards one of his co-workers at a party & I melted. I witnessed it from behind & he didn't know I was there... he reached over as he walked by & grabbed her hand & squeezed it, they never exchanged eye contact, he just kept walking. I knew right away when I saw it. He came home on his lunch break that following Monday & I cried, I told him that it's OK if something were going on, but that we need to deal with it together.

He denied it. However, I told him that he needs to start making attempts with me if this is what he wants... I told him to come to bed at night just 1-2 nights a week when I do vs. waiting until 11:30... he hasn't one time since I've told him that. We sleep to our backs together & always have, we don't have any sexual connections SOBER ever... yet, we don't drink a lot- so we rarely connect. There is no "I love you", no kisses/hugs/flowers, nothing- but yet, we get along. We are buddies & I'm terrified of what examples we are giving our kids. What they will take from this & see as the norm...

I feel like I could be a better mom w/out him as well. I feel like if I was loved, I would be happier. Yet- I think I'm a good mom, I put them ahead of everything else all of the time. They are my life & through them, that's my happiness.

I go through these feelings every year... this time, I just recently went on a girls weekend & after seeing my friends call their spouses & truly mean "I miss you" and so forth, it made me see what I'm missing.. and will I ever have that again. People say go, but it's not just that easy. We won't be-able to give our kids the life they have NOW with us together if we are apart. Imagining Christmas waking up to an empty house if it's not my turn, things like that. I could & would never want to go for full custody- I would do joint, he's a great dad... however, I don't want to not have them or be away from them either. So- can I live this way until they are all grown & then I will feel completely unattractive & it'll be too late?! I'm still young... but if I choose for myself, I give up what I'm fighting to keep- my family.

I honestly hate what this does to me. I just had to write it out- even if no-one makes it to the end, maybe it'll help me go on with my day.