UNHAPPILY Married After 2 Years :(

My husband and I married a little over 2 years ago. We probably married a bit too soon after we met. We only knew each other for 1 1/2 years prior. ON the other hand, I was engaged to a man after being with him and living with him for 6 years and it still wouldn't of worked out so I am not sure it matters anyway. My husband is originally from Dublin Ireland and I am from the US. He is 30 and I am 29, we have NO children.

He did leave everything behind to come here and be with me, which he NEVER LETS ME FORGET. By everything I mean his cat, his job and his parents and brother which he's not that close with anyway. My husband (Martin) lived with his parents still (when we met) in Ireland so he prob did have it pretty good because he had virtually zero bills, no car payment and was making 40,000 Euros per year. All he had to pay for was his beers on the weekend, literally.

Before we even married I told him I was NOT moving away FROM the US anytime soon. I was and still am in college and I have a large family here who I am close with. Nonetheless, we were "in love" so we pursued a Visa/greencard for him after we married which was a lengthly process. Initially we got denied which he was extremely distraught by and then months and thousands of dollars later we finally got approved. After living in Canada for awhile, we moved back to the US about 8 months ago.

The first few months of our marriage were OK, we had a lot of financial stresses because of the Visa and having to re locate, new job, etc. We did not even have a honey moon because we could not afford it :(

INfact I do not even recall making love the day we were wed! I figured things are always a little harder at the beginning of the marriage (so I was told)  and they will soon get better, however, they never really improved. We began arguing pretty frequently- about anything and everything from cultural distastes to how the towels should be put away to how I make food with "too many spices" or how I am "lazy" etc etc...I could go on for hours. He almost never smiles and seems mopey and often appears to be in a bad mood when getting home from work. There's no "Hi honey, how was your day?" There is no kiss, no embrace, no nothing. Many times he goes to bed and takes a 5 hr nap. Again, he is only 30 (not even) and we have no kids. He has  a pretty relaxed office job diagnosing and fixing computers. I do not think it's that stressful but then again I really don't know because he never talks about work or his day. My husband is sort of the quiet type anyway but he always told me that 'in time' he would open up more. I was really his first serious love and relationship. Naively I believed this is why he was so quiet. Before we married, I normally dated more outgoing guys with a good sense of humor. I think that's pretty important but I kind of over looked it in this instance because he possessed many other good qualities which I respected and desired. He sort of has a dry British sense of humor and I don't find that funny at all. It seems like a little thing that's no big deal but now it's begun to wear on me. Not only do we fight constantly but NOW we don't even laugh together or have fun. In addition we have zero sex life. I suppose he was never too outgoing in the sex department either but I figured he was just inexperienced and he would "come around" if you will. Unfortunately, he never did. I have a much higher libido than he does. It bothers me that he looked up **** before we were married (supposedly doesn't anymore) but he does not want to have sex with me. Mind you, I am told that I am pretty decent looking and am chatted up by other men frequently. On the RARE occasion that we do have sex it's only because I INITIATE EVERYTHING. It gets really old. I used to do the lingerie thing, try to act out fantasies, talk sexy. etc etc but he never seemed that into it. Sometimes he couldn't even stay hard! I would cry because I thought I wasn't turning him on but he would always assure me that it "was not me and it was his problem". So we put it down to "depression" because he is often cranky and irritable as well, which plays a big part in our disagreements. I urged him to seek help and finally after months of begging he went to the doctor. All of his blood work was NORMAL. No low testosterone, no anemia (like he claimed) or anything else to speak of. The Dr. put him on Wellbutrin for the depression. He has been on it (more like on and off) of Wellbutrin for about 2 months and it has not improved ANYTHING.  He has also tried Paxil (which I have taken for 10 years) and Effexor. He says he doesn't like to take pills because they always give him "weird side effects and mess with his sleep" but then again he never gives them much of a chance. Most anti depressants must be taken regularly for at least one month before you see results. I suggested that perhaps the Wellbutrin was the wrong med for him and he should go back to the Dr. and try something else. So far it's a no go.

Depression or not, things are REALLY BAD. AS I said, we fight constantly, we are not intimate in any way, we do not go out (because we do not have fun together) and he is bull headed and stubborn. Another oddity is he has NO friends, ZERO. He hardly makes an attempt to keep in touch with friends from back home let alone try to make one male friend, so everytime I want to go out with my girlfriend's my husband has to tag along because he has nothing else to do.

It is always his way or nothing. Nothing is ever right, nothing is ever good enough. Many days I dread him even coming home because I worry about what kind of mood he will be in or if we will fight. I admit that I have let myself go as well as the house. I do not dress up anymore IF we do go out, I hardly wear makeup, don't bother with lingerie anymore, hardly cook (he doesn't like whatever I make) and don't clean because "I'm lazy" and "don't know how to clean". He has rejected me so many times and made me question my own abilities and femininity that I have simply have stopped caring about many things.

I have become very depressed. It does not help that I was in a near fatal car accident only 2 months ago and just went back to work recently. I was very rattled by the accident and was physically injured as well. My husband was unsupportive emotionally and when I discussed my fears with him about it he said he was tired of hearing it!

I am concerned that being with him is weaing me down emotionally and could cause some sort of breakdown. As I mentioned I have been on Paxil for 10 years due to anxiety and depression but mostly anxiety. About 2 weeks ago, after another argument, I took my stuff and went to my parents house. They were on  vacation so the house was empty. My uncle also stayed there for a week and we had a blast. It was the first time I felt "normal" and relatively happy in MONTHS. We laughed and talked and went out and did things, etc. My husband figured out I was staying there and came over with flowers a few days after I was gone. It was weird. I didn't even care or miss him. I felt FREE. Unfortunately I had to go back "home" to him when my parents got back from vacation. My mom and I do not get along too well so I can't really stay there.

Therein lies another problem. my husband supports us financially. I just got on my feet again after the accident. I am a Nurse's Aide but only work about 10-15 hrs a week and also go to college. I really don't have anywhere else I could live until I get financially stable so I am kind of stuck in that aspect as well.

Lastly, in addition to the numerous afforementioned problems I have developed deep feelings  for my brother and law (my husband's twin brother) over the course of the last 3 years. I think  my bro in law knows that we do not get along and that his brother does not treat me as good as he should. We talk frequently and when we are together we have the greatest time. In addition, he makes me laugh!!!! I do not know if this is normal but I tell him often that I miss him and he says the same. Perhaps I am taking it the wrong way but I really do think he loves me as well. When he gets drunk enough he shamelessly flirts with me and has even made comments about "being with him instead" of my husband, i.e. his brother. Granted that was along time ago but I can't help but wonder...My brother in law is a very passionate person like myself and more assertive than my husband. I often envision my brother in law just grabbing me hard and kissing me forcefully-something my husband has NEVER DONE :( The passionate part of me is withering away and slowly dying inside. Normally I'm a sexual woman in a relationhip- I can be kind of kinky and have lots of fantasies. My husband says he does not have any and I believe him because he seems so non-sexual.

Please do not judge me about my brother in law. If you do, you do not understand how hard it is to feel undesirable and neglected by your spouse. On the rare occasion that my husband does kiss me (after prodding) he wipes his lips like I have a disease!!! IS THAT NOT WEIRD???? He is also reluctant to share a glass with me or silverware if I have eaten off it or something! It makes me feel horrible inside and I have told him that it hurts my feelings but he does it anyway. I think he has some sort of OCD problem. In many ways he reminds me of Leonardo D. in the movie the "Aviator". If you have not seen it (in a nutshell) it is the story of the legendary pilot and perfectionist Howard Hughes who suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder and ruined every relationship because of it. When I try to approach my husband about my concerns, he just says something lame to pacify me or ignores me...

Back to the brother in law, when I talk to him or am around him  I get butterflies in my stomach and am nervous. I have even tried to distance myself for this reason because I fear that if he made an advance towards me I would not stop him and I would cheat...

I believe that he wants to make a move on me but only has not done so out of respect for his brother which I admire because a lot of guys prob wouldn't even care. I really do care about my brother in law and it's not just because my husband and I have a rocky marriage that I'm turning to someone else. Believe me I wish it were ANYONE other than my BIL-this could potentially ruin lives if something happened between us. has anyone else ever felt like this in their marriage?

Have any men or women ever fell in love (or lust) with their Brother OR Sister in law and if so what did u do about it?


P.S.- My in laws (including Brother in law) are coming to visit in August. I am very nervous about seeing him again and how I will act/react!!!


31-35, F
4 Responses Mar 12, 2009

Did you hold a gun to his head and force him to " give up " mommy and daddy? He made a choice as a man didn't he? He can always return

Stay sway from your brother-in-law. He is taking advantage of your desperate situation and probably knows you are vulnerable at this point. Nothing good can come out of hooking up with a man who can wilfully break up his own brother's marriage.
You and hubby need to get off the meds- that's a catch 22. Have you tried a mediator or getting a family member to counsel both of you? From your description, your husband may be feeling overburdened by all the drastic changes in his life, but since he loved you enough to leave his roots and adjust in the US, this marriage may be worth saving after all. Have a heart to heart talk with him and be very specific with your wish list. Not 'I need you to be supportive, blah, blah...' but 'Would you mind helping me with dinner today bcoz I m exhausted from college & work?" Men need very specific instructions and will only do one thing at a time. So dont overwhelm him with a long wishlist. Pace it out. I wish you the best.

SexlessM - Don't worry about the length I love to read! As to your situation I hate to say it but TY is right. You don't have children and for this man to try to put some kind of burden on your shoulders because HE made an adult decision to make a change in his life is crap! You need to make sure you are in a happy situation at home otherwise life in general is at best 'acceptable', and I don't think you want to be there... do you? Go be just yourself for a while and then when you meet somebody new you will have this experience to strengthen you!

I think that you should divorce. You are too young to deal with those problems in your marriage. Move on and meet someone who is compatible to you and enjoy life