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Am I a Wife Or a Maid?

My husband and I have been married for almost two years but have been together for almost five.  Lately, I feel as though I'm more of a maid or caretaker than his wife.  I do the laundry (wash, dry, fold and hang), the dishes, the cooking, ALL of the cleaning, empty the cat litter, collect the trash, take the trash out, pay all the bills and take care of our baby.  I expect him to take the trash the curb, (as I've already collected it and placed in the garbage can) and mow the lawn.  The grass is now up to my knees and the garbage is lucky to be taken to the curb twice a month when it should go once a week.  After spending my day doing laundry, cleaning up the house, cooking dinner, and loading the dishwasher I asked my husband to wash the 4 pots and pans that were left over from dinner and he rolled his eyes at me.  I must admit at that moment I wanted to claw his eyeballs out!  I know it sounds petty but it seems that years of built up anger and resentment had suddenly come to the surface with that one childish reaction.  When I tried to explain to him why I was upset, that I found it disrespectful and hurtful, he turned on his usual charm and tried to make me the bad guy.  I was "over reacting" and "what's the big deal".  When I told him I wanted him to understand why I was upset, that I do a lot around here and I've come to terms with that and I only really expect him to mow the lawn and take out the trash, he got even madder.  He says "so basically you think I'm lazy and don't do enough around here and you think I should feel guilty for rolling my eyes. " Now up until this point I have maintained my composure, I have not raised my voice, I haven't used bad language, I've said all of this in a calm, rational manner...that time was over.  I said, "I never said that, all I said was you need to understand why I'm upset, what I could have said was Your a lazy SOB that comes home to eat, sleep, and play your video games while I take care of everything"! 

I don't know what to do, I feel trapped!  I do love him, but he is hard to like sometimes.  I feel as though he takes me for granted.  This is my husband's second marriage, he was married right out of college and moved in with me (as friends) while he was getting divorced.  I feel as though he's never really had to be a grown-up.  His parents took care of him (for the most part) in college and then his first wife, who was a stay-at-home wife (I have a full-time job), did everything for him and now I am too.  I have too much pride in my home to let it go just to "see if he will do something". 

I love my husband, but I don't like him.  I'm extremely resentful and I keep bottling up my feelings because I hate arguing with him as he just turns it around and makes me feel guilty and I end up apologizing.  I'm at a loss--I'm sad most of the time and I'm extremely tired both physically and emotionally.  I don't think he's going to change and I don't know what to do -- I deserve better.

VAmom VAmom 26-30, F 10 Responses May 28, 2009

Your Response


I thought I was reading a chapter from my own life. I bet there's 100 million woman in this country with the very same issues. Divorcing to remarry is not the answer cause all you're doing is rolling the dice hoping for a better outcome that is highly unlikely. Men usually benefit way more than women in marriage. It sounds as if you have all the disadvantages and little to no advantage of being married. I've been married twice, this time 22 yrs. I will never ever lose my freedom and independence if I am ever fornuate enough to get it back.

Men. That's how they are. I feel the same. I'd do something but can't afford to live alone and will never marry again because the same thing would happen. Men take women for granted. 500%

At some point enough is enough. Give him the chance to see how you feel, if he does nothing, cut your losses and move on.

I feel like this is me, I am 23 my husband 25. I am a stay home mom and feel like exactly like you. he makes me feel like a maid. I'm the one cooking breakfast,luch and dinner everyday, I am also the one to do the laundry he never ever does that and the cleaning he just comes from work, eat (doest even pick up his plate), play, and sleep ohh and i forgot he drinks at least two beers everyday as well. i feel just like you. I have been with him since i was 17 and we have been married for 2 years now.

Hi Im a male <br />
after reading this story, Im wondering what the hell am i doing wrong, im married for 2 years now <br />
My spouse can never turn to me and say that she doesnt get help from me when it come to house choirs, well we both woriking class people, however we have have turns to cook, we do the dishes together, the laundry is done on weekends which we both do,when it come to cleaning the house we clean together, my problem is that she is never happy with the things that I do well it not about the choirs so much it about our marriage it self, well so i think, shouldnt a women be happy with all the stuff her mans does for her, what more could she ask for, we dont have kids yet,oh lets not even go there now cause making love to my is totaly out of the question, Im lucky if it happens 3 times a month, i LOVE MY WIFE VERY MUCH ,BUT WHAT COULD I BE DOING WRONG <br />
<br />

I'm right there with you! I do most everything around the house and when I ask him for help, he makes a deal of it, like he's too put out! He's tired - like I'm not?? We both work 40 hours a week, minimum - for the same company!! He needs to study, work, insert whatever OTHER thing he wants to be doing... We don't DO anything together as a couple other than eat, sleep or sit in the same room. Sex has almost completely stopped. Arguements are always my fault, and of course, I know everything so why should he bother to talk to me? It's a nightmare!! I feel your pain - every last bit of it - down to my core!!

You are his wife...he would be treating a maid better. <br />
<br />
How about not cooking for a week or so, and when he asks what's up, causally mention that you think cooking makes too big of a mess. ?

VAmom, ignore the idiot above!! Some men and some women are so venomous it surprises me that they ever found anyone to take them seriously!<br />
<br />
You have every right to feel resentful of the treatment you are receiving. I quite agree that your husband sounds like a spoilt child.<br />
<br />
I think you would be wise to suggest marriage counselling to your husband. He might then realise that he needs to take you, and your relationship, a bit more seriously.<br />
<br />
If he says "no" to counselling, tell him you will give him a month to "sort things out himself" and if there are no improvements, you WILL be making an appointment to see the counsellor.<br />
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Even if he refuses to go, do go yourself. You need help to sort out your situation. Every best wish for a better and happier future.

Well g9, it's easy to see why you're divorced. If you took the time to read my story completely you would have seen that unlike yourself, I work away from home 40 hours per week and my husband does as well. Why should I have to do all the work around the house when we both work equally as hard during the day. Perhaps if you removed yourself from your high horse you may be able to find someone new in your life. Although, I think you may have a hard time dragging her by her hair back to your cave.

You are getting what you deserve . I for one know you are exaggerating the complexity of your situation . I am recently divorced from a woman much like you .I am a stay at home dad and now know that it take only two hours a day to do those little chores . Yet I still have time to write for hours a day . Better yet I even have the ability to generate income near or near the income as when I work in the labor market .<br />
Get of your BSing *** an get the chores done .

Wow what an *******