Am I a Wife Or a Maid?

My husband and I have been married for almost two years but have been together for almost five.  Lately, I feel as though I'm more of a maid or caretaker than his wife.  I do the laundry (wash, dry, fold and hang), the dishes, the cooking, ALL of the cleaning, empty the cat litter, collect the trash, take the trash out, pay all the bills and take care of our baby.  I expect him to take the trash the curb, (as I've already collected it and placed in the garbage can) and mow the lawn.  The grass is now up to my knees and the garbage is lucky to be taken to the curb twice a month when it should go once a week.  After spending my day doing laundry, cleaning up the house, cooking dinner, and loading the dishwasher I asked my husband to wash the 4 pots and pans that were left over from dinner and he rolled his eyes at me.  I must admit at that moment I wanted to claw his eyeballs out!  I know it sounds petty but it seems that years of built up anger and resentment had suddenly come to the surface with that one childish reaction.  When I tried to explain to him why I was upset, that I found it disrespectful and hurtful, he turned on his usual charm and tried to make me the bad guy.  I was "over reacting" and "what's the big deal".  When I told him I wanted him to understand why I was upset, that I do a lot around here and I've come to terms with that and I only really expect him to mow the lawn and take out the trash, he got even madder.  He says "so basically you think I'm lazy and don't do enough around here and you think I should feel guilty for rolling my eyes. " Now up until this point I have maintained my composure, I have not raised my voice, I haven't used bad language, I've said all of this in a calm, rational manner...that time was over.  I said, "I never said that, all I said was you need to understand why I'm upset, what I could have said was Your a lazy SOB that comes home to eat, sleep, and play your video games while I take care of everything"! 

I don't know what to do, I feel trapped!  I do love him, but he is hard to like sometimes.  I feel as though he takes me for granted.  This is my husband's second marriage, he was married right out of college and moved in with me (as friends) while he was getting divorced.  I feel as though he's never really had to be a grown-up.  His parents took care of him (for the most part) in college and then his first wife, who was a stay-at-home wife (I have a full-time job), did everything for him and now I am too.  I have too much pride in my home to let it go just to "see if he will do something". 

I love my husband, but I don't like him.  I'm extremely resentful and I keep bottling up my feelings because I hate arguing with him as he just turns it around and makes me feel guilty and I end up apologizing.  I'm at a loss--I'm sad most of the time and I'm extremely tired both physically and emotionally.  I don't think he's going to change and I don't know what to do -- I deserve better.

VAmom VAmom
26-30, F
13 Responses May 28, 2009

I understand how you feel. Lately I have been noticing more and more how my husband expects me to do all these things for him. We both work full time outside the home, and while he does some things I feel like I have the lion's share of the responsibilities. He expects me to do all the laundry, all the cooking, dishes, cleaning.... He will drive the garbage to the dump (we don't have curb pick-up) and he will mow the grass, and sometimes vaccum. Lately he is always wanting me to cook dinner and then make him a snack and then make him something else to eat. I get tired of making him like 5 meals a day! And then he gets upset and whiny if I won't. And then he wants me to give him a foot rub or head massage or something. But only wants to have sex when it is convenient for him. There have been times I have approached him for sex and have been turned down because he ia too tired or just doesn't feel like it. But in the middle of the night when he wants to have sex I better not be too tired... we only have sex maybe once or twice a month though because he just doesn't seem to want it. I don't think he is cheating or anything because he is a pastor and there aren't really any women he is alone with to have the opportunity and I just don't think he would do something like that. I just get so frustrated that he is so selfish sometimes though. How do you even bring up a topic like that for discussion without it turning into a fight?? I try not to discuss it with friends because I don't want to be accussed of bad talking him to other church people or whatever. Just feeling so fed up.

I understand how you feel completely. My goodness. I didn't get married just to be a maid of someone else. I didn't even have to do any housework back home and now that I am married my hands have become wrinkled and I am doing dishes like 5 times a day or something because I don't want it to accumulate. And all he does is chuck them all in the sink and except it to go away or wait till it piles up REAL high and then do it. Who can't work and come home and do whatever we like? But people who stay home have to do the cleaning, cooking and everything else all day long. All he thinks about is "oh let's have sex, I have 30 minutes before I go to work" and then leaves me to be in pain in my tummy. Talked to him so many times before and he doesn't even care. Oh my god.

We r in the same boat! Thts what i feel now. Im working at 5am. After 8 hrs of busy work at cafe. Come home n feel just want to rest. But my husband, expect me to cook lunch for him, not even 5 mins rest or shower. Trying to rest, he always disturb me n he laugh at me when im angry. He always need to be satisfied "sex". How could i do this every single day. When i dont feel to do it, he uses excuses to chat with strangers at skout. I do everything from working till washing his underwears. I love him, but I dun think this is a healthy marriage. Help!!! I feel like to give up this but he wants to take my daughter with him.

I thought I was reading a chapter from my own life. I bet there's 100 million woman in this country with the very same issues. Divorcing to remarry is not the answer cause all you're doing is rolling the dice hoping for a better outcome that is highly unlikely. Men usually benefit way more than women in marriage. It sounds as if you have all the disadvantages and little to no advantage of being married. I've been married twice, this time 22 yrs. I will never ever lose my freedom and independence if I am ever fornuate enough to get it back.

Men. That's how they are. I feel the same. I'd do something but can't afford to live alone and will never marry again because the same thing would happen. Men take women for granted. 500%

At some point enough is enough. Give him the chance to see how you feel, if he does nothing, cut your losses and move on.

I feel like this is me, I am 23 my husband 25. I am a stay home mom and feel like exactly like you. he makes me feel like a maid. I'm the one cooking breakfast,luch and dinner everyday, I am also the one to do the laundry he never ever does that and the cleaning he just comes from work, eat (doest even pick up his plate), play, and sleep ohh and i forgot he drinks at least two beers everyday as well. i feel just like you. I have been with him since i was 17 and we have been married for 2 years now.

Hi Im a male <br />
after reading this story, Im wondering what the hell am i doing wrong, im married for 2 years now <br />
My spouse can never turn to me and say that she doesnt get help from me when it come to house choirs, well we both woriking class people, however we have have turns to cook, we do the dishes together, the laundry is done on weekends which we both do,when it come to cleaning the house we clean together, my problem is that she is never happy with the things that I do well it not about the choirs so much it about our marriage it self, well so i think, shouldnt a women be happy with all the stuff her mans does for her, what more could she ask for, we dont have kids yet,oh lets not even go there now cause making love to my is totaly out of the question, Im lucky if it happens 3 times a month, i LOVE MY WIFE VERY MUCH ,BUT WHAT COULD I BE DOING WRONG <br />
<br />

I'm right there with you! I do most everything around the house and when I ask him for help, he makes a deal of it, like he's too put out! He's tired - like I'm not?? We both work 40 hours a week, minimum - for the same company!! He needs to study, work, insert whatever OTHER thing he wants to be doing... We don't DO anything together as a couple other than eat, sleep or sit in the same room. Sex has almost completely stopped. Arguements are always my fault, and of course, I know everything so why should he bother to talk to me? It's a nightmare!! I feel your pain - every last bit of it - down to my core!!

You are his wife...he would be treating a maid better. <br />
<br />
How about not cooking for a week or so, and when he asks what's up, causally mention that you think cooking makes too big of a mess. ?

VAmom, ignore the idiot above!! Some men and some women are so venomous it surprises me that they ever found anyone to take them seriously!<br />
<br />
You have every right to feel resentful of the treatment you are receiving. I quite agree that your husband sounds like a spoilt child.<br />
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I think you would be wise to suggest marriage counselling to your husband. He might then realise that he needs to take you, and your relationship, a bit more seriously.<br />
<br />
If he says "no" to counselling, tell him you will give him a month to "sort things out himself" and if there are no improvements, you WILL be making an appointment to see the counsellor.<br />
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Even if he refuses to go, do go yourself. You need help to sort out your situation. Every best wish for a better and happier future.

Well g9, it's easy to see why you're divorced. If you took the time to read my story completely you would have seen that unlike yourself, I work away from home 40 hours per week and my husband does as well. Why should I have to do all the work around the house when we both work equally as hard during the day. Perhaps if you removed yourself from your high horse you may be able to find someone new in your life. Although, I think you may have a hard time dragging her by her hair back to your cave.

You are getting what you deserve . I for one know you are exaggerating the complexity of your situation . I am recently divorced from a woman much like you .I am a stay at home dad and now know that it take only two hours a day to do those little chores . Yet I still have time to write for hours a day . Better yet I even have the ability to generate income near or near the income as when I work in the labor market .<br />
Get of your BSing *** an get the chores done .

Wow what an *******