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I Get No Affection From My Husband.

I have been married for about a year and a half, been together four years.  When my husband and I were dating, he was affectionate.  Once we started living together after about six or seven months, he became less and less affectionate quickly.  Now his expressions of affection are so rare, it startles me when he touches me at all.  I am an affectionate person and I have expressed to him several times that I would like for him to be more affectionate with me.  He always has some kind of excuse like he's always stressed because of his job, or he doesn't feel comfortable showing affection to me in front of his daughter, or he doesn't feel well.  It's always something.  Now he has a back injury; he has chronic pain and takes pain medication, so he says that with the medication, his thinking is so clouded he just doesn't think of it.  However, his thinking is clear enough to play complicated video games, read tons of books, and watch movies.  I can understand that having sex (which we have about once month now) is painful for him, and I have accepted that.  I'm not mad about that at all (although I sure do miss it).  I can't help but feel that if you are in love with someone, you would naturally be affectionate at least a few times a week.  And I'm talking about simple things like hugging, a little caress on the arm, a squeeze of my hand.  At one time about a year into our relationship, I started to feel strongly that his lack of affection was a definite red flag that he wasn't in love with me anymore (the suspicion that, with him being a single father, he was just interested in finding a mother for his daughter did cross my mind).  But when I talked with him about it, he was very offended that I would imply that he doesn't love me.  He said that I should just know that he does without having to have any affection.  I have a friend who told me that she believes that people express love differently, which is certainly true, and that some people can love someone deeply, but not ever express affection.  I don't know, I just find that really hard to believe.  I realize that I can just ask him again from time to time to at least try to express some affection.  But what I keep thinking is that, he doesn't show affection because he's not really in love with me, and I can't make someone love me.  I would really like to hear what other people's opinions are about this.

MarenGolden MarenGolden 36-40, F 88 Responses Jun 14, 2009

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I have only been married 1yr and 2 months, my husband tries to do everything to make me happy yet he doesn't realize the most important thing to me is affection. When we were just friends he would rub my feet, sit close to me as we watched movies and made love any time we had a chance! Now that were married it isn't the same. We were friends (with benefits off and on) for three years before we got married. I have 5 step kids ranging from 8-16, plus my two boys ages 9 and 15. Yes, that's 7 kids in the home! Its a challenge but makes me wonder about what you mentioned by him marrying you so that his child can have a mother. My step kids do not have their mother in their life. I think about my vows and how I keep beating myself up for jumping into this marriage too soon. I've talked too him and he also takes pain meds for different issues but I don't understand why he's changed. I thought the first years are supposed to be the honeymoon years? Its not as much as going weeks without making love it's the holding and caressing I long for the most. Well, I hope things get better for you. Thanks for sharing, I'm not alone (your not alone).... Jea9

I see these women blaming themselves that they put on weight bla bla bla... but when a man truly is in love with someone, some extra weight isn't an issue. Men can gain weight too, they're human as far as I know. I know women who put on lots of weight and their husbands/boyfriends are still affectionate with them. I think many times they use this as an excuse, if it wasn't weight gain they would use another excuse. It shouldn't be an issue when there is true love, isn't that what love is? The problem is sometimes people just fall out of love and it isn't anyone's fault. Or maybe the marriage wasn't what they expected, there are so many factors as to why the affection dies.

I was in a relationship with someone who suddenly just told me one day to the next that he wasn't in love with me anymore, and I hadn't gained any weight. Sometimes the issue lies within themselves. Some people aren't as caring as we make them out to be. We make people out to be something that many times they are not. Love is blind so they say. Why did he fall out of love with me so suddenly? My guess is because he was never truly in love with me to begin with. There was no valid reason, at least he couldn't give me one. Like I said before, there are many reason why men (or women) become this way, but the fact of the matter is, when someone is in love, they show affection. We can make all the excuses we want, but this is the truth. If a man went a long period of time pushing me away and avoiding intimacy with me, I wouldn't stay with him. Life is too short to feel rejected and sad. Don't waste time on someone whose feelings have changed, when you can be meeting someone who will truly appreciate you.

I am in the same place with my boyfriend. We have been together for over 7 years and have a son together. We are not engaged yet and he has told me he does not consider me his wife! We have sex maybe 2x a year if i'm lucky because he says he has a medical condition but how does that affect any other kind if physical contact? We sleep with blanket between us and if he accidentally touches me he pulls away like he burnt himself. If I try saying anything he gets really mad and tells me I'm messed up or crazy! I just don't know why he is still with me if he doesn't love me and is clearly not interested???

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I am in a similar predicament were not married but have been together for many years. My partner barely gives me any affection , always busy on of his many gadgetst xbox,c , f ootball or reading etc and since we found out I am pregnant, he barely spends any time with me at all anymore. I find it easier tohint to him in joke form that he needs to make more effort and spend quality time together but it goes in one ear out the other. Hes amazing with our daughter and very affectionate and a great dad but when I mention anytng to do with us i get shouted at and end up in tears (like now) don't know what to do!?

Can I add over the slightest thing I am constantly getting screamed at I feel I can't say anything right these days, I end up in my bedroom in tears which he knows and doesn't bother him in the slightest he doesn't check I'm ok, never apologises just carries on as usual. I know being pregnant increases your emotions but there is no love or affection towards me at all just feel hurt and lost

If his love is genuine he would show it some how.. I agree that we all need some sort of affection, And if we are not getting it then u must make a decision is that the type of love u want...:)

Get out of there now.. They always promise that they'll work on it, but a man who isn't in love will always be that way. I remember what love feels like and it isn't what I have. I've been stuck in my dead marriage for ten years now. I wish I would have baled before the wedding when I noticed something was amiss.

I understand you.. I seen warning signs, but I still married my husband because he said he wanted to have a family. I gave him 4 babies back to back, my babies ages are 1,2,3, and 4. I still do love my husband but he cannot show me affection without being sexual. I was told by my husband "don't go to my job, and don't tell people that your my wife".
At times I believe that he hates me, but I stay because im married to him and my kids need their dad around, even though he pays not one bit of attention to them. He does keep the roof over our heads, but is that enough to keep being neglected both me and my 4 babies. Idk, but im sure glad that I didnt give him the 8 children that he wanted..
This is just a little taste of my situation, but thank you to anybody who takes the time to read it...

i have lived the same life, from my experience he wont change and your loneliness will only become more acute, he has a daughter from a previous relationship, we have three children and because of them i have stayed - he is not a bad person but caring and affection will never be there - at this stage i think that moving on very early in our marriage would have saved me and my children a lot of confusion and heartache - i would recommend you leave
before children complicate things.

My husband is the same way. Early on in our relationship (in the first year or two) he did show affection. Over time it became less and less. I know he loves me. He's open to me showing affection to him even in public but it rarely occurs to him to initiate affection. Funny, he's very clear about interest in sex and confuses affection with sex. I think men are wired differently than women. I also think there's an element of laziness involved with our men. I get tired of having to initiate physical affection. If he ever made the first move I would think someone replaced my husband with a clone! Sorry not much help here but I guess you can continue to make the first moves and maybe he'll finally pick up on it. (And continue with couples counseling).

I've been married three years to whom I believed to be my soul mate.
We laugh so hard until we cry. We finish each other's sentences and know what each other is thinking. About 6 months ago the hand holding stopped and just some basic shows of affections have also stopped. We would be watching t.v. In bed and my leg would be over his. Now he lays further away. When he leaves in the morning or returns from work he peck me( I mean a tiny peck for a nano second). I'm not asking to be made out with but maybe a few second kiss would be great. When I hug him he pushed me away making up an excuse that he had to do something. This is the problem... When I told him how I feel he says that's just the way I am deal with it. And I'm very annoying to keep wanting to bring it up. Please help me. I really do love him but should I live in a affection less marriage????? I'm not sure I can!!!

I know exactly where you are coming from, we were the same I keep looking for an explanation .... Men!!?? :(

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i m varun singh i m 31 yrs can u want to friendship with me mam

I am in a similar place in my marriage & it worries me to be honest. I mean we have 2 kids, one with moderate special needs. I've gained weight & he has made it clear how disgusted he is with 'fat people'...i live a high stress life & turn to food a lot, (especially chocolate). He started out very affectionate, and although when the affection died out--the sex was still great, now I'm lucky if he can get it up. I'm past the self pity phase though. If anything I am angry now. I'm angry at him, but most of all at myself for allowing him to get in my head to the point where I feel like nothing. I can't really go anywhere because my special needs child cannot tolerate many sensory triggers, and I find myself alone at home lots. I've caught him ******* off to computer ***** but again, we are now having problems intimately. I'm at rock bottom I think because I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to lose weight so I can make him pay for the surgery he 'suggested' I get. I want it though. I want a body back that I can love again. I'm in pain joint wise with this one & incase things don't work I want to look semi descent so I can hopefully find someone else. I want to thank you all for sharing your stories. When emotional pain is triggered, its just a little comforting to know one is not alone. I thank God I'm a woman of faith & need to lean on prayer more I think for strength.

Before you do anything, seek help for yourself from a licenses therapist. You need to find the strength from within yourself and rebuild your self esteem and a therapist can give you valuable techniques for doing that. Also, remember his actions do not define you, but define him. You are a wonderful person thin or heavy. It is his shortcoming that he can't see that. <3

Hello I have been with my husband for 11 years and we have two boys together and we sure has had our ups and downs but I am so in need of attention and affection o mean he shows his love by working 70 hours a week and hes a great dad but I feel im only putting the emotional part in and im so lonely and for christ sakes im only 29...please someone the time that needs the touching and him telling me all the may call me needy but I have told him I need more of I need more love I feel alone and I dont want to find someone elses attention I want and need

I believe that he does love you if not he wouldn't be with you nor married u after 3 years of being your man...he loves you girl. Your friend is right, men are different in many ways but I also believe he needs to put his part at least once a week for you like a hug, a kiss, a simple flower. So he can make the person he loves actually feel loved.

Im in my 20's and been married for 2yrs, in the beginning of our marriage my husband was very sweet, he would tell me everyday that i was beautiful, now he never tells me im beautiful, he berly touches me, i constantly tell him how much i love him and how happy and lucky i am of having him in my life and he doesnt say anything back. I try touching him and he always comes up with an excuse (oh im tired) not today. He doesnt evn let me touch him. I asked him why he changed and he said he doesnt feel comfortable at times when i touch him. I cried and told him im ur wife, i never tell u not to touch me. Right away he starts raising his voice at me and gets mad. i think its because i put up some weight and it makes me feel so disgusted of myself that my own husband doesnt evn want to touch me. I will start to excersize and loose weight so i can look better but it hurts so much to know that the person who said would love u no matter what doesnt evn feel atracted to u

I believe that he doesn't deserve only live once find someone that will make u smile every morning and tell you he loves you but really mean it. You sound like a very sweet girl dont blame his mistakes or actions on yourself..every person changes physically within the years so the person thats going to really love you will know and accept that and never push u away no matter if you're dressed up or not...have gained weight, or gotten older...

my husband is the same way. he used to be so caring and affectionate, but now its almost gone. He is a great provider for our family and a good father,but when it comes to me...there isnt anything. so i really know what you mean!

Im in my 20's and been married for 2yrs, in the beginning of our marriage my husband was very sweet, he would tell me everyday that i was beautiful, now he never tells me im beautiful, he berly touches me, i constantly tell him how much i love him and how happy and lucky i am of having him in my life and he doesnt say anything back. I try touching him and he always comes up with an excuse (oh im tired) not today. He doesnt evn let me touch him. I asked him why he changed and he said he doesnt feel comfortable at times when i touch him. I cried and told him im ur wife, i never tell u not to touch me. Right away he starts raising his voice at me and gets mad. i think its because i put up some weight and it makes me feel so disgusted of myself that my own husband doesnt evn want to touch me. I will start to excersize and loose weight so i can look better but it hurts so much to know that the person who said would love u no matter what doesnt evn feel atracted to u


What is your gut saying?
What is your instinct because it is probably correct.
You don't just "know" someone loves you unless they show you and tell you.

I'm with you ladies. Been married for 11 years and the affection started to disappear after year 1. Now we are no more than roommates with kids. Sex happens maybe a couple of times a year, and when it does happen it's awkward because we're not used to being affectionate to eachother outside of the bedroom. I've told him so many times about my needs for affection, but nothing ever changes. It's tough but at least I'm coming to the realization that things won't change so I'm hanging in the marriage for the kids (I know, not the best reason). At least from reading this site is I find comfort that I'm not the only one going through this. Stay strong out there and find ways to empower yourselves.

I am more than sure that man in these situations are spending to much time taking care of themselves and therefore the woman is left wondering what's wrong.

Sounds soooo familiar! I have been married for 14 years with a twelve yr old son and I have been in this marriage for our son about 10 yrs and let me tell you if your not already there it will drag you to the bottom! If you are like me and have told him how you're feeling until you're blue and have gotten little or no response so you just dismiss the conversation until you can't take anymore and you bring it up again only to have the same thing happen over and over again and you feel like you are talking to a wall or if you have tried to be understanding of the fact that some people are just clueless when it comes to feelings and tried to help him see and there's no LOVE MAKING (all caps because there is a difference) find your big girl panties, pull em up and and go! if you have kids be mature and do what's right for them but by not putting them in the middle or making them feel they must choose, I say this because it's very easy to do without realizing it. No I didn't get the fairy tale probably won't ever but I know there is someone out there that not only wants to love me but wants to show it! Maybe if you actually leave it will cause him to have an epiphany maybe it won't but you deserve to be happy and to feel loved and just because someone stays too long trying to find a way to make it right or stays because they don't want to hurt their kids or thinks that he really hasn't done anything wrong doesn't mean they're stupid it means they're a good person. If you stay in a loveless and/or unaffectionate marriage odds are your kids will see that as normal and maybe fall into the same pattern as adults. It's unhealthy for everyone! I have only begun the process, I still feel insecure and unsure and while that's scares me I can already breathe better! Whew this is better than therapy!!!

I send hugs to everyone on here who is suffering. I am right there with you, on so many levels.
I wish I could heed my own advice...remember something very important: you are a beautiful person inside and out. You deserve the same love you put all your strength in to giving. The tears will

My heart goes out to all of you. I am a highly affectionate person with a love language thar corresponds appropriately

I know exactly how you feel. Going thru the same thing. My husband and I have been married for a year next month and he never shows me affection. He says its bcuz he didn't get showed affection when he was growing up so he doesn't know how. But I don't think thatts true. I agree that if you love someone that much the affection comes naturally. Not saying be glued to each other 24/7, but the occassional kiss or hug would do the trick. Even a compliment or look with love in his eyes would be good enough. Idk I guess most men are missing the gene that is implanted in us to show love. They should start an affection 101 boot camp type thing for all these guys who are lacking in this dept for sure!

You are so right about the gene they're missing that we have.

Never realized so many people wear a mask in this world. I don't understand how can people be heartless with their loved ones.i think Making love, holding hands, hugging or any affection is the best feeling in the world. Feeling wanted or loved that's what I need

I'm going through the same thing. I can't take it anymore!! I'm going to leave. I'm just so lonely!!!

Any body who lives in Orlando Florida maybe we can get together. I need affection and would love to give affection in return

Like you said I also feel like I should find a friend with benefits

I feel the same way I have been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years and we a child and he is 19 months old and I love him to death but ever since she got pregnant affection went down the toilet. I love affection and I love to make love but I would say about 9 times a year is all I get and I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. If it wasn't for my baby I would have left her but I am trying and I am growing desperate .what should I do? I told her how I feel and she said then leave but the baby stays. I am a stay at home dad so I am always with him and would die if I loose him.. so confused so lost so lonely ......sigh

Thanks for the response. But, I'm beginningining to feel that maybe I should have a friend with benefits on the sideline. W

Well , for me my situation is completely different but, I feel my spouse is only concerned about his three children although, we have four. One is mine biologically with someone before my marriage of our three. But I'm completely unhappy. I feel so alone and lonely. His main concern is for our three kids that are his biologically. My son his stepson who has experienced some mentally ill concerns which I believe has been major concerns for my husband. But , of course he's my son and I'm there unconditionally. I just wonder if I should just move forward with my life or just suffer in silence. Please someone help!!