Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

I Get No Affection From My Husband.

I have been married for about a year and a half, been together four years.  When my husband and I were dating, he was affectionate.  Once we started living together after about six or seven months, he became less and less affectionate quickly.  Now his expressions of affection are so rare, it startles me when he touches me at all.  I am an affectionate person and I have expressed to him several times that I would like for him to be more affectionate with me.  He always has some kind of excuse like he's always stressed because of his job, or he doesn't feel comfortable showing affection to me in front of his daughter, or he doesn't feel well.  It's always something.  Now he has a back injury; he has chronic pain and takes pain medication, so he says that with the medication, his thinking is so clouded he just doesn't think of it.  However, his thinking is clear enough to play complicated video games, read tons of books, and watch movies.  I can understand that having sex (which we have about once month now) is painful for him, and I have accepted that.  I'm not mad about that at all (although I sure do miss it).  I can't help but feel that if you are in love with someone, you would naturally be affectionate at least a few times a week.  And I'm talking about simple things like hugging, a little caress on the arm, a squeeze of my hand.  At one time about a year into our relationship, I started to feel strongly that his lack of affection was a definite red flag that he wasn't in love with me anymore (the suspicion that, with him being a single father, he was just interested in finding a mother for his daughter did cross my mind).  But when I talked with him about it, he was very offended that I would imply that he doesn't love me.  He said that I should just know that he does without having to have any affection.  I have a friend who told me that she believes that people express love differently, which is certainly true, and that some people can love someone deeply, but not ever express affection.  I don't know, I just find that really hard to believe.  I realize that I can just ask him again from time to time to at least try to express some affection.  But what I keep thinking is that, he doesn't show affection because he's not really in love with me, and I can't make someone love me.  I would really like to hear what other people's opinions are about this.

MarenGolden MarenGolden 36-40, F 90 Responses Jun 14, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

:-(

what i have found is this

some people make the effort while courting and wooing. its in small bursts. but then they are different later on as they really are different

some people are not affectionate but they might show love in other ways eg fixing things helping. affection is not their strong point but they are very giving and caring in other ways

some people have aspergers and some aspies are affectionate and giving sexually and some are not

some partners can learn to intentionally say loving words or give hugs but it doesnt come naturally to them. we might have to accept them that theya re not affectionate like us or we can try to find someone else depending on the general picture.

the long term effects of emotional deprivation are very tough, but i find also the short term effects of emotional deprivation is tough.

people stay with these men if theya re trustworthy helpful caring in other ways. but its not easy

these women do need other supports social and professional and to understand their partners strengths and weaknesses and the impact it has on them and how to reduce the impact on themselves.

i have found as others have mentioned that the more loving i am the more gentle respectful kind i am even when angry about something, then the more loving the other person will be and maybe even the more affectioante they might be at times. it might not be as much as someone else but if they are a good person and caring in other ways then sometimes a bit of affection from someone we love is better than alot of affection from someone we dont care about

i'm sure there are many situations that what i have written about aspergers doesnt cover all situation.

one woman spoke of having a child with extra needs who is sensitive to sensory stimulation. that is a sign of aspergers and its hereditary so her spouse might have aspergers and also ahve sensory issues adhd and anxiety that all are common in aspies and affect their ability to be affectionate.
its not their strength but they might be caring in other ways.

the more gently and loving we are in how we treat them and build them up and communicate then the mroe likely we will get better more loving responses.

there are talks called the art of love relationship talks that have about 30 love experts each year giving talkst aht can be bought and downloaded.
i found they gave me ways to be more loving or have more loving attitudes

for example rather than criticising and complainging, its better to instead ask for what you want make requests in a calm short respectful statement rather than wining complaining criticising.

eg i would like you to ....

instead of i hate it that you never....

some annoying habits are just ways we can be reminded that we are lucky enough to have our spouse in our life, eg crumbs, toilet seats up, etc

some men are just not initiators so try to work out by their responses or by asking them or by what they talk about of what turns them on and make efforts then for timing places and ways that will encourage affection

again i found the more loving i am the more affection or warmth or care some men give, but some men are caring in other ways and not affectionate.

professionals who are expert in aspergers might be able to help a bit to get the guy to intentionally give loving words hugs etc but its may not be their strength

if you can appreciate and improve the relationship and care it might be enough even without much affection or it might not be.

i wish everyone happiness and clarity.

Add a response...

I have only been married 1yr and 2 months, my husband tries to do everything to make me happy yet he doesn't realize the most important thing to me is affection. When we were just friends he would rub my feet, sit close to me as we watched movies and made love any time we had a chance! Now that were married it isn't the same. We were friends (with benefits off and on) for three years before we got married. I have 5 step kids ranging from 8-16, plus my two boys ages 9 and 15. Yes, that's 7 kids in the home! Its a challenge but makes me wonder about what you mentioned by him marrying you so that his child can have a mother. My step kids do not have their mother in their life. I think about my vows and how I keep beating myself up for jumping into this marriage too soon. I've talked too him and he also takes pain meds for different issues but I don't understand why he's changed. I thought the first years are supposed to be the honeymoon years? Its not as much as going weeks without making love it's the holding and caressing I long for the most. Well, I hope things get better for you. Thanks for sharing, I'm not alone (your not alone).... Jea9

I see these women blaming themselves that they put on weight bla bla bla... but when a man truly is in love with someone, some extra weight isn't an issue. Men can gain weight too, they're human as far as I know. I know women who put on lots of weight and their husbands/boyfriends are still affectionate with them. I think many times they use this as an excuse, if it wasn't weight gain they would use another excuse. It shouldn't be an issue when there is true love, isn't that what love is? The problem is sometimes people just fall out of love and it isn't anyone's fault. Or maybe the marriage wasn't what they expected, there are so many factors as to why the affection dies.

I was in a relationship with someone who suddenly just told me one day to the next that he wasn't in love with me anymore, and I hadn't gained any weight. Sometimes the issue lies within themselves. Some people aren't as caring as we make them out to be. We make people out to be something that many times they are not. Love is blind so they say. Why did he fall out of love with me so suddenly? My guess is because he was never truly in love with me to begin with. There was no valid reason, at least he couldn't give me one. Like I said before, there are many reason why men (or women) become this way, but the fact of the matter is, when someone is in love, they show affection. We can make all the excuses we want, but this is the truth. If a man went a long period of time pushing me away and avoiding intimacy with me, I wouldn't stay with him. Life is too short to feel rejected and sad. Don't waste time on someone whose feelings have changed, when you can be meeting someone who will truly appreciate you.

I am in the same place with my boyfriend. We have been together for over 7 years and have a son together. We are not engaged yet and he has told me he does not consider me his wife! We have sex maybe 2x a year if i'm lucky because he says he has a medical condition but how does that affect any other kind if physical contact? We sleep with blanket between us and if he accidentally touches me he pulls away like he burnt himself. If I try saying anything he gets really mad and tells me I'm messed up or crazy! I just don't know why he is still with me if he doesn't love me and is clearly not interested???

Add a response...

I am in a similar predicament were not married but have been together for many years. My partner barely gives me any affection , always busy on of his many gadgetst xbox,c , f ootball or reading etc and since we found out I am pregnant, he barely spends any time with me at all anymore. I find it easier tohint to him in joke form that he needs to make more effort and spend quality time together but it goes in one ear out the other. Hes amazing with our daughter and very affectionate and a great dad but when I mention anytng to do with us i get shouted at and end up in tears (like now) don't know what to do!?

Can I add over the slightest thing I am constantly getting screamed at I feel I can't say anything right these days, I end up in my bedroom in tears which he knows and doesn't bother him in the slightest he doesn't check I'm ok, never apologises just carries on as usual. I know being pregnant increases your emotions but there is no love or affection towards me at all just feel hurt and lost

If his love is genuine he would show it some how.. I agree that we all need some sort of affection, And if we are not getting it then u must make a decision is that the type of love u want...:)

Get out of there now.. They always promise that they'll work on it, but a man who isn't in love will always be that way. I remember what love feels like and it isn't what I have. I've been stuck in my dead marriage for ten years now. I wish I would have baled before the wedding when I noticed something was amiss.

I understand you.. I seen warning signs, but I still married my husband because he said he wanted to have a family. I gave him 4 babies back to back, my babies ages are 1,2,3, and 4. I still do love my husband but he cannot show me affection without being sexual. I was told by my husband "don't go to my job, and don't tell people that your my wife".
At times I believe that he hates me, but I stay because im married to him and my kids need their dad around, even though he pays not one bit of attention to them. He does keep the roof over our heads, but is that enough to keep being neglected both me and my 4 babies. Idk, but im sure glad that I didnt give him the 8 children that he wanted..
This is just a little taste of my situation, but thank you to anybody who takes the time to read it...

i have lived the same life, from my experience he wont change and your loneliness will only become more acute, he has a daughter from a previous relationship, we have three children and because of them i have stayed - he is not a bad person but caring and affection will never be there - at this stage i think that moving on very early in our marriage would have saved me and my children a lot of confusion and heartache - i would recommend you leave
before children complicate things.

My husband is the same way. Early on in our relationship (in the first year or two) he did show affection. Over time it became less and less. I know he loves me. He's open to me showing affection to him even in public but it rarely occurs to him to initiate affection. Funny, he's very clear about interest in sex and confuses affection with sex. I think men are wired differently than women. I also think there's an element of laziness involved with our men. I get tired of having to initiate physical affection. If he ever made the first move I would think someone replaced my husband with a clone! Sorry not much help here but I guess you can continue to make the first moves and maybe he'll finally pick up on it. (And continue with couples counseling).

I've been married three years to whom I believed to be my soul mate.
We laugh so hard until we cry. We finish each other's sentences and know what each other is thinking. About 6 months ago the hand holding stopped and just some basic shows of affections have also stopped. We would be watching t.v. In bed and my leg would be over his. Now he lays further away. When he leaves in the morning or returns from work he peck me( I mean a tiny peck for a nano second). I'm not asking to be made out with but maybe a few second kiss would be great. When I hug him he pushed me away making up an excuse that he had to do something. This is the problem... When I told him how I feel he says that's just the way I am deal with it. And I'm very annoying to keep wanting to bring it up. Please help me. I really do love him but should I live in a affection less marriage????? I'm not sure I can!!!

I know exactly where you are coming from, we were the same I keep looking for an explanation .... Men!!?? :(

Add a response...

i m varun singh i m 31 yrs can u want to friendship with me mam

I am in a similar place in my marriage & it worries me to be honest. I mean we have 2 kids, one with moderate special needs. I've gained weight & he has made it clear how disgusted he is with 'fat people'...i live a high stress life & turn to food a lot, (especially chocolate). He started out very affectionate, and although when the affection died out--the sex was still great, now I'm lucky if he can get it up. I'm past the self pity phase though. If anything I am angry now. I'm angry at him, but most of all at myself for allowing him to get in my head to the point where I feel like nothing. I can't really go anywhere because my special needs child cannot tolerate many sensory triggers, and I find myself alone at home lots. I've caught him ******* off to computer ***** but again, we are now having problems intimately. I'm at rock bottom I think because I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to lose weight so I can make him pay for the surgery he 'suggested' I get. I want it though. I want a body back that I can love again. I'm in pain joint wise with this one & incase things don't work I want to look semi descent so I can hopefully find someone else. I want to thank you all for sharing your stories. When emotional pain is triggered, its just a little comforting to know one is not alone. I thank God I'm a woman of faith & need to lean on prayer more I think for strength.

Before you do anything, seek help for yourself from a licenses therapist. You need to find the strength from within yourself and rebuild your self esteem and a therapist can give you valuable techniques for doing that. Also, remember his actions do not define you, but define him. You are a wonderful person thin or heavy. It is his shortcoming that he can't see that. <3

Hello I have been with my husband for 11 years and we have two boys together and we sure has had our ups and downs but I am so in need of attention and affection o mean he shows his love by working 70 hours a week and hes a great dad but I feel im only putting the emotional part in and im so lonely and for christ sakes im only 29...please someone help...im the time that needs the touching and him telling me all the time...you may call me needy but I have told him I need more of it.....help I need more love I feel alone and I dont want to find someone elses attention I want and need his...help

I believe that he does love you if not he wouldn't be with you nor married u after 3 years of being your man...he loves you girl. Your friend is right, men are different in many ways but I also believe he needs to put his part at least once a week for you like a hug, a kiss, a simple flower. So he can make the person he loves actually feel loved.

Im in my 20's and been married for 2yrs, in the beginning of our marriage my husband was very sweet, he would tell me everyday that i was beautiful, now he never tells me im beautiful, he berly touches me, i constantly tell him how much i love him and how happy and lucky i am of having him in my life and he doesnt say anything back. I try touching him and he always comes up with an excuse (oh im tired) not today. He doesnt evn let me touch him. I asked him why he changed and he said he doesnt feel comfortable at times when i touch him. I cried and told him im ur wife, i never tell u not to touch me. Right away he starts raising his voice at me and gets mad. i think its because i put up some weight and it makes me feel so disgusted of myself that my own husband doesnt evn want to touch me. I will start to excersize and loose weight so i can look better but it hurts so much to know that the person who said would love u no matter what doesnt evn feel atracted to u

I believe that he doesn't deserve you...you only live once find someone that will make u smile every morning and tell you he loves you but really mean it. You sound like a very sweet girl dont blame his mistakes or actions on yourself..every person changes physically within the years so the person thats going to really love you will know and accept that and never push u away no matter if you're dressed up or not...have gained weight, or gotten older...

my husband is the same way. he used to be so caring and affectionate, but now its almost gone. He is a great provider for our family and a good father,but when it comes to me...there isnt anything. so i really know what you mean!

Im in my 20's and been married for 2yrs, in the beginning of our marriage my husband was very sweet, he would tell me everyday that i was beautiful, now he never tells me im beautiful, he berly touches me, i constantly tell him how much i love him and how happy and lucky i am of having him in my life and he doesnt say anything back. I try touching him and he always comes up with an excuse (oh im tired) not today. He doesnt evn let me touch him. I asked him why he changed and he said he doesnt feel comfortable at times when i touch him. I cried and told him im ur wife, i never tell u not to touch me. Right away he starts raising his voice at me and gets mad. i think its because i put up some weight and it makes me feel so disgusted of myself that my own husband doesnt evn want to touch me. I will start to excersize and loose weight so i can look better but it hurts so much to know that the person who said would love u no matter what doesnt evn feel atracted to u

I THINK IM LEAVING MY HUSBAND OF 7 YEARS,I GET NO AFFECTION.

What is your gut saying?
What is your instinct because it is probably correct.
You don't just "know" someone loves you unless they show you and tell you.

I'm with you ladies. Been married for 11 years and the affection started to disappear after year 1. Now we are no more than roommates with kids. Sex happens maybe a couple of times a year, and when it does happen it's awkward because we're not used to being affectionate to eachother outside of the bedroom. I've told him so many times about my needs for affection, but nothing ever changes. It's tough but at least I'm coming to the realization that things won't change so I'm hanging in the marriage for the kids (I know, not the best reason). At least from reading this site is I find comfort that I'm not the only one going through this. Stay strong out there and find ways to empower yourselves.

I am more than sure that man in these situations are spending to much time taking care of themselves and therefore the woman is left wondering what's wrong.

Sounds soooo familiar! I have been married for 14 years with a twelve yr old son and I have been in this marriage for our son about 10 yrs and let me tell you if your not already there it will drag you to the bottom! If you are like me and have told him how you're feeling until you're blue and have gotten little or no response so you just dismiss the conversation until you can't take anymore and you bring it up again only to have the same thing happen over and over again and you feel like you are talking to a wall or if you have tried to be understanding of the fact that some people are just clueless when it comes to feelings and tried to help him see and there's no LOVE MAKING (all caps because there is a difference) find your big girl panties, pull em up and and go! if you have kids be mature and do what's right for them but by not putting them in the middle or making them feel they must choose, I say this because it's very easy to do without realizing it. No I didn't get the fairy tale probably won't ever but I know there is someone out there that not only wants to love me but wants to show it! Maybe if you actually leave it will cause him to have an epiphany maybe it won't but you deserve to be happy and to feel loved and just because someone stays too long trying to find a way to make it right or stays because they don't want to hurt their kids or thinks that he really hasn't done anything wrong doesn't mean they're stupid it means they're a good person. If you stay in a loveless and/or unaffectionate marriage odds are your kids will see that as normal and maybe fall into the same pattern as adults. It's unhealthy for everyone! I have only begun the process, I still feel insecure and unsure and while that's scares me I can already breathe better! Whew this is better than therapy!!!

I send hugs to everyone on here who is suffering. I am right there with you, on so many levels.
I wish I could heed my own advice...remember something very important: you are a beautiful person inside and out. You deserve the same love you put all your strength in to giving. The tears will

My heart goes out to all of you. I am a highly affectionate person with a love language thar corresponds appropriately

I know exactly how you feel. Going thru the same thing. My husband and I have been married for a year next month and he never shows me affection. He says its bcuz he didn't get showed affection when he was growing up so he doesn't know how. But I don't think thatts true. I agree that if you love someone that much the affection comes naturally. Not saying be glued to each other 24/7, but the occassional kiss or hug would do the trick. Even a compliment or look with love in his eyes would be good enough. Idk I guess most men are missing the gene that is implanted in us to show love. They should start an affection 101 boot camp type thing for all these guys who are lacking in this dept for sure!

You are so right about the gene they're missing that we have.

Never realized so many people wear a mask in this world. I don't understand how can people be heartless with their loved ones.i think Making love, holding hands, hugging or any affection is the best feeling in the world. Feeling wanted or loved that's what I need

I'm going through the same thing. I can't take it anymore!! I'm going to leave. I'm just so lonely!!!

Any body who lives in Orlando Florida maybe we can get together. I need affection and would love to give affection in return

Like you said I also feel like I should find a friend with benefits

I feel the same way I have been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years and we a child and he is 19 months old and I love him to death but ever since she got pregnant affection went down the toilet. I love affection and I love to make love but I would say about 9 times a year is all I get and I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. If it wasn't for my baby I would have left her but I am trying and I am growing desperate .what should I do? I told her how I feel and she said then leave but the baby stays. I am a stay at home dad so I am always with him and would die if I loose him.. so confused so lost so lonely ......sigh

Thanks for the response. But, I'm beginningining to feel that maybe I should have a friend with benefits on the sideline. W

Well , for me my situation is completely different but, I feel my spouse is only concerned about his three children although, we have four. One is mine biologically with someone before my marriage of our three. But I'm completely unhappy. I feel so alone and lonely. His main concern is for our three kids that are his biologically. My son his stepson who has experienced some mentally ill concerns which I believe has been major concerns for my husband. But , of course he's my son and I'm there unconditionally. I just wonder if I should just move forward with my life or just suffer in silence. Please someone help!!

I am going through the same thing with my husband and I am totally falling apart. He has never been sexual. He did used to say that no man needs to look at other women if they are happy with the woman they have. He said he was happy and never needed to look. Now he has changed his mind. He is taking pics of women at gas stations, looking at ****, and jacking off in his sleep but he has absolutely no interest in me at all. He doesnt kiss me or play with me. He may have sex with me once a month but its real quick and he doenst even open his eyes. I tell him all the time that he has taking all my self esteem away. I mean i feel so suicidal because he has no interest in me at all physically. What am I supposed to do . Please can someone talk to me or help me.

Hi klantz 80,I was like that too,well actually still is a little bit but I'm coming out of it.First we must love GOD,then we must love ourselves .erase the suicidial thoughts in your head.GOD loves you.Put on you some make up,some cute clothes ,take urself out to dinner,if hubby wont.Love yourself.Dont sit at home and look at the 4 walls, it will depress you ,Im a living example.You are some body.....you go girl! :)

God bless you. Keep your eyes fixed on God. Learn about Him. His love for you is enough klantz80. Don't give up your life for the undeserved. Try listening to Christian music. I love the song Beautiful by MercyMe

I have been married for 14 yrs .. I might as well be livin with a sibling .. there is no affection .no touching . Nothing . My mum died 2 and a half yrs ago . I used to cry myself to sleep . He didnt even comfort me . I cried on my own . I was ignored . Its very hurtful knowing that your husband isnt interested in you any more . In bed at night if I turn over then so does he ... away from me ..

I feel so bad for you. Pray about it.

Life is funny, i was married to a man for six years that showered me with affection but he was also an alcoholic and hit me. I have been with my current husband for ten years (married 1) he shows me love in his own way, but not the way i need i need affection i need to hear i matter, i need to know he still wants and needs me. My husband has put his hobbies first and yes i have tried joining him but he gets bossy and says hurtful things and he doesn't even realize it. There should be a support group for this sort of thing.

It's the same for me, with absoluately no sex in the marriage except to please him if you know what I mean. He shows no signs of affection at all for me. I feel the same way that he does not love me. He gets mad at me when I ask him for a simple kiss like im killing him. He tells me all the time he doesn't like my weight, but simply he is as fat as a cow himself. We have no sex because he says he's impedant and that my weight doesnt help either. He is mean most of the time and always demanding things of me. He equates love from me as cleaning house and feeding him. He does nothing for me accept makes me pay for everything with money I saved from my last job. He will not go back to work. He has lots of money but wont spend any on me. I pay for everything and im almost out of money. He's has been more hostile lately because I mention my money is getting low. I am so sick of flipping the bill and taking care of him without getting anything in return. I truely believe that he does not love me but he just does not want to be alone so he would rather make me miserble. If i tell him anything, it's always my fault. I really feel like going back to work and just walk out on him. Find anyone off the street to **** and let him know i did it so i could be rid of him altogether. I really hate how he makes me feel.

I have the same problem.no kissers no cuddles not passion no loveing.no sex.And I have said to my husband that he doesn't love me.but we have to girls togethee.and that he's here becouse of them and not me.he has said he doesn't love me in the past.and hell find somewere to live.but he's here still.

I've been married for 35 years. I find now that my husband is more of a roommate than a lover. He has no affection to give it seems and I have expressed the fact that I need it. I sit here in tears because I need it and he can't give it and I don't know how I can live like this the rest of my life. I have been in cognitive therapy for 30 years and I still fight depression. As does he. And we have been traumatized by various events and I am sure some of that comes into play. I took the david burns depression inventory online and it revealed what I already knew, I am at minimum, moderately depressed.

I'm hoping I can find a safe place in my head to get past this. I don't know where I am going to draw the strength but I will fight my depression and disappointment with this lack of affection somehow. What choice to I have.

And yes. you can't make some one love you.....

Best of luck or whatever it is we'll need to navigate through this..

It would be great isn't it if we get a husband who can give us all the full support in everything but in reality, it is not like that. In reality, we wives cant give to our husbands what they really/fully want from us as well. Lets say if you are in depression now, can he help you to recover? Yes, to a certain extent, if he is ever so understanding; but the truth of the matter is that not everyone understands another fully and so it boils down to Yourself. You need to know this. That is the person who can help you is YOU. You have to get strong, get well, and not think disappointment of lack of affection etc. Just accept it that we have a choice to make it better. Do things that will make things better that makes you happier and this may even affect him to notice you to love you better. Please do not cry and be sad no more; pick yourself up. Give yourself that much. Bring happiness to your life again. Do not depend on others to give it. Do some of the simple things in life to get better; smile more, give a compliment, give a helping hand, smell the flowers. Forget the sex part or lover part. I think many people face this dilemma, not something new, and it happens not just to you but to many too. Focus your strength and energy into what you can do best and approach this as a challenge as to how you may improve your situation. Wishing you better days ahead :)

I've been trying to get my wife to understand what it is I need for years, and I do like sex but that's not the problem. In fact, when I ask for affection what I get is more sex! It's nice but it's not the same thing. I don't thinks she's capable or doesn't understand what it is or something. Whatever the problem is, it's not going to change and I'm not expecting it to anymore. I finally was able to talk her into going into counseling and all it's done is convince me that it's not going to work. When I want some affection I'm supposed to tell her and then she does what she thinks is being affectionate. But it's not, it doesn't feel real and it's not real. At least I'm not angry about it anymore and I'm not expecting it to change. Our youngest will be out of the house it a year or two and that will probably be it for this marriage. Don't expect it to change and get out as soon as you can so you can meet someone to have a real relationship with.

Just because you are not getting "affection" as how you want it, you say, call it quits. You are not expecting her to change, that is good, as you married her for better or for worse, isn't it? Just because you find one fault with her, you want to leave her and find another? I bet you will do the same to another, find a fault not to your satisfaction and leave. Grow up. There is no one person on this earth who is perfect to your taste. Next you will find someone who will show you lots of affection but "sorry, i have the headache type...no sex! tonight, sorry" woops.... :) In marriage, we have to look at the good in the person, not just the bad. I am sure you saw lots of things in her whilst dating, why didn't you notice she had no affection? yet you married her, surely there was good and attractive about her for you to have married her? Marriage is not for short term, it is for life. With this kind of thoughts, oh my youngest will be out etc, you are just waiting to END it!! I pity your wife.

Maybe your wife wasn't raised with much affection. Sounds like she's pretty awesome in other ways. I would start by bringing her flowers now and then. A little smile, a peck on the cheek. Do for her what you would like for yourself. Maybe she is under stress, depressed, or unhappy for some reason. See if you can get her to open up and then don't try to fix it, just listen.

<p>Hi there...I understand COMPLETELY! I am on pain meds for chronic pain so while I do sympathize SLIGHTLY w/your hubby, I am completely on your side w/the affection needs. I am married to a man who has Asperger's Syndrome. I did not know this when we got married, however, and often feel as if I got "baited and switched". He was pretty affectionate while we were dating and newly married, because he was "trying". If he really puts his mind to it, he does pretty well with the "physical" displays of affection he knows I want/need. We have been married for 11 years now and honestly at least half of them have been a real struggle on my part. I NEVER get all my emotional needs met by him....but he does "show me" he loves me in other ways. For example...my pain confines me to bed sometimes and he will feed me and the kids....bring me my meals in bed...he gets up and takes our kids to school every am. now because mornings are harder for me and he has to be up for work anyways...but since he works from home if I am having a bad day he will also pick them up and he NEVER makes me feel guilty for it...it may not be what I need emotionally but its how he shows me HE LOVES & takes care of me. Sex is different,,lots of hurt feelings there....I have had to do a lot of the initiating....its gotten better since we did marriage counseling about a year ago...and I mentioned I thought he had Aspergers and she agreed. He still hasnt gone for his own testing or individual counseling, which I want him to do, but we are reading books about it and he is trying very hard. It is a day by day thing and it is very difficult. I am lonely alot. But I love him and I keep trying. :)</P>

I've recently got married in the past year and I feel that everything has changed. We live with the inlaws so that puts a lot of strain on our relationship. My husband is rarely affectionate towards me anymore. I've told him about it and he tells me I should initiate. So I did, often he would reject me. When I bring it up with him he gets defensive and shuts me out. He just stops talking to me. I'm someone that likes to sort things out and move on. This weekend we had a big row about rubbish and he told me to get out of the car when I WAS near home and I refused to leave the car. Once I did I slammed his car door he got out of the car and kicked me really hard. i was so upset and gave him space. I expected him to apologise but all he did was blame me for pushing him. I look at him and wish I had not married him. Will things get better. I don't know what to do ...

He rejected me again today I feel so pathetic and desperate. He makes me feel like a fool. I wish I never married him. I keep telling myself I'm not gonna bother and make myself unavaliable. How ridicules I envy what my friends have with their partners and wish I could turn back time

GET OUT NOW!!!!!!! No affection is different from someone who kicks you. GET OUT NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES!!!!!!!! PLEASE!

Sorry,I wish my husband would kick me he'll get kick back.I'm just saying doe thats pitiful.Now i can say he never put his hands on me.But he knows better,but i dont want it to even come down to that doe. i try to love him even doe.He hardly shows it back.He holds a stubborn and selfish spirit when it comes to returning the love.Men have pride they act like they gonna go to jail if they show their wives so affection,uuuggghh

Its been a year since ur post, hope things got better. But once a man hits u he will do it again andf he didnt evn have remorse for what he did to u i dnt thnk he loves u. U should never let a man put a hand on u.

1 More Response

Hi here moon, even i am also suffering like , lack of affection from hubby, which he used to show before having kid, my marriage is now 3 yrs completed, that too love marriage, but now he never feel to hug or kiss or even while sleeping also distance between us. i feel many times like hug and kiss need atleast once in a day, but i get only in sex time, excluding that time also he can show, y husbands forget romance after marriage and affection towards wife . Due to this only wifes or if husbands suffering same then husbands feel for external affairs. this life is very small and should live as we want. then how to manage for love , affection and romance from husband, when he ignores and not interested.

I was one of you!.. Then a lot of terrible things happened and I learned that it wasn't him... IT WAS ME!!! Stop the b*t*hing! Stop complaining! Don't nag him! Treat him like the boss! Treat him like a king, like a MAN! OPEN UP YOUR SEX LIFE! Don't be a prude in any way! I have completely transformed the way I treat my Mark! And WOW, have things changed!!! I always thought I loved sex. I always thought that 'he made me this way'. That he made me the bit** i became. If all women could just relax and pull the rod of bitterness, resentment, and self piety out of their bums they would have a new man in a week! Seriously all it takes is keeping our mouths shut, except for when building them up. Rub him. Tell him you want him. Discover what HE likes! The more about him you make it, the happier you both will be. I'm not saying that ALL the women on here complaining of this are at fault. But I wish someone would have talked to me the way I am talking to all of you a long time ago! I now make it my priority to be his 'pet' and I'm loving every second of it!... Today he had a long day of work. But he still helped out. When he said 'don't worry I'll do it', I listened. When he needed a glass of water, I got it for him without a word said. Now we are laying together on the couch. He is sleeping on my lap. Im convinced that Our sex life is better than almost everyone's! All I need to say is SIX times in one day!!! I'm not exaggerating!... And all I had to do is obey more, and keep my mouth shut instead of bit**ing!!!

you need help. you blame the women? one man kicked his wife and she's to blame? you must be a re/teapublican who blames women for being raped. This notion you suggest is disgusting, disgraceful, a huge cognitive distortion and indicates a troubled person. sigh and shame on you. please get help. you need it.

No, she's right. She's not talking about the girl who is being abused. She is talking about all of us women who are emotionally controlling with our husbands. Look, I hated this too. The first time I heard this, I wanted to punch someone. I was furious. How could I be the problem?! I am the one fighting for our love life, for the affection, to try to keep us from ending up as roommates or worse, divorced? But I am the problem. Do it like this. Give to me like this. Not like that. That isn't enough, that isn't the way I need/ want it. This is all I say to my husband. In reality, it isn't all I say. I say lots of beautiful things to him. But why would he hear them? How schizophrenic can I be? " I love you. I want to be close to you. Ok, now not enough, not like that, more now, please. More." And that is what I am doing. I don't think I am doing that. I think I am communicating to him how much I love him. But I am just controlling and bitching and constantly telling him. "You're not enough. You're not enough." And maybe he isn't, and maybe he will never be enough. And maybe, he isn't supposed to be. He is not God. I just got into an argument with my husband fifteen minutes ago. We just got back from a mini weekend getaway and it was bliss. Beautiful intimate sex, which doesn't happen nearly at all. He usually keeps his eyes closed and I am constantly asking him to open them. But not this weekend. This weekend he was open and giving and verbal and passionate. We come home and he shifts back to pecks goodnight. As though he has no interest in continuing what we began this weekend. Now any woman will agree with me. What the hell?! But that is crap. Why am I like that? Why are we like that? Why can't he give what he has and I just the F relax a moment. I started to think, what was it about this weekend that created that need to open up to me so passionately. Here's what I find. We went ice fishing this weekend. Holed up in an 8 by 12 foot box. I read for hours, which I love. He fished for hours, which he loved. We sat in silence this way for quite a while. I was completely satisfied just being in the same room as him. I wasn't pressuring him. I wasn't asking anything from him. He didn't feel guilty just doing his thing. He felt at ease with me "ignoring" him. And Bam! Two hours later, here is the man I have been trying to chase down for a years! Giving me everything I have ever wanted from hi , saying everything I needed to hear, lavishing me with love, affection, attention and passion. It's us, girls. We create it. I'm shutting my mouth. I want that man feeling free and passionate. I'm repenting from controlling him and asking God to help me give him space, respect and real love. And I am asking God to help me not fear anymore that I will go without. I am married to a good man who has been living with a good intentioned *****. Sorry, hubby I'm shutting up now.

Funny, I'm replying to my own post. Hee hee. But, this is so mind blowing to me, I can't keep quiet. We worship our husbands. Why else would we be so hell bent pissed when they don't pull through for us. We expect perfection. We expect they should be capable of it all and we want it all from them. That's worship. Because the only thing in life that can BE ALL AND DO ALL is God. Now, why would he allow His sons to fulfill the needs of a woman who is an idolatrer? God can not. He can not allow His sons to want worship. A good man will reject your worship. He knows he isn't perfect. He accepts he can not give you everything. That is why he is so frustrated with you for wanting it from him. It isn't the specific request our husbands are rejecting...it is the worship and I think they are hard wired to reject it. And women want to worship. And if we are not careful, we might leave these good men and find a man who is ok with being worshiped. And then where does that leave us? With God? I don't want to show up at the Gates of Heaven believing what a great wife I was because I gave so much love to my husband to find out that I gave him what was God's to have...the adoration, the faith, the passionate pursuit of my husband that should have gone to my Lord. And that is exactly what my husband saves me from. My husband doesn't want me to train him to be worthy of my worship. And that's what we are really doing, isn't it? We are saying...give me more affection so you are worthy of my worship. Give me more love,mso I am justified in worshiping you...because right now, you're not worthy of it. And I want to worship you. I need you to be perfect or try to be perfect...or gosh, believe you are capable, because I believe you are capable of perfection..I see you that way...I...worship....you. Time to repent. Time to repent.

you know it aint that easy for us women and Your post sound like you a slave not a wife and thats why your husband loves it,well where do he come in to serve you....It's adam and eve honey, not just adam.You still dont know what he doing in his time away from you.Dont get on here and act like your marriage its perfect cause there is no perfect marriage,so how do you have room to grow and be stronger if yall are already strong.Theres always room for improvement.I would believe you quicker if you told the truth about your marriage instead of pretending that its just WONDERFUL you make your self look crazy,when every married woman no better,come on now no marriage is peaches and cream.Love urself enough to face the facts that your marriage might be good,but it could be better in SOME area and it's not perfect.

Obey more? I hate to be harsh, my dear, but you are an idiot! This isn't the 1950's, we shouldn't to bow down and obey men, and our place isn't breeding babies and cooking dinner. Did it ever occur to you that maybe some women have made themselves available in every aspect and still receive nothing but rejection? "Stop being a prude" why don't you hop off your revelation high horse and stop being ignorant!?

2 More Responses

I am literally in the same exact position as you! Same excuses, but he can play video games and watch movies hours on end. His excuse now is "I already have you, I don't need to woo you anymore". I am so tempted to pack up and leave!

i feel the same way... my husband has never really been affectionate but when we first started dating he was more open to his feelings... now we never hug or kiss... im the one that has to be the one to say i love you or hug him or kiss him orelse id never get any of that... i feel so down... im doing my best to stay positive and think he will eventually understand that i want affection and know that its important in a relationship... but what if he doesnt ever start being affectionate... how do i handle it... in public looking like we are just friends... i love seeing couples in public being all lovey dovey to each other when you can see how much they love each other or adore each other... it hurts me thinking that i will never have that.......

Well I'm in the sams boat as you 2 Hunni I've never been told I'm beautiful by anyone in my life not even my husband he claims he married me for family but i really thought he wanted to marry me amd liked me for woo i was but i was wrong (we had Ann arranged mRrige) anyway i love him loads i will do anything for him but i know deep down he dont love me everyday i cry and wish him hapoiness because i feel he desrves beteri feel hes embarrased of me... Whenever we go out hes never held my hand but pushed me away hes never let me hold him either never has he kissed ne first never hass he hugged me.. Its always me telling him i love him everyday onky because i dont want him to ever feel what i have felt my entire life.. Hurt i lacked effection no one ever told me they love me or that i was pretty imfact i got the opposite i was always told i was fat and ugly.. Its always like whever he wants sex he can have it but when i do jis tired so i dont aak again i feel used and durig sex is the only time he will say he loves me and kiss me..1 whole years gone of my marrige and i have a baby and since then i havent told him i love him and nor has he said it to me.. I feel hes more happy witjout me.. Im not good enough .. Within our whole year of marrige we have never been shoppig togthet ever or neither to a relatives house.. We only have been cinema and that too felt awkward seeig everyone holdinv hands and hugging on valantines day and me walking apart not hand in hand like we ha e had a row.. We go to dinner o dont eat and only watch him eating.. I thank god for giving me a beautyful husband but wished he had a better wife then me as je dont seem halpy with me and as for my son hes the only hope i have to be loves by if i didnt have him i would of killed myself ages ago by now as i have nothing either then him to live for.. Being not lived before marriage and after mRrige is torture and thers so much a women can take.. And as for teling him about how i feel i already have he says im jus seeking attention and its al drama so i littrely dont know whaft to do

Awwwwwwww sweetheart, this made me cry. Keep your head up!

Iam so sorry for u and others who are going through this . How about not depending on your spouse so much and finding happiness and fulfilment in other things. Very few people have perfect happiness. The rest of us just have to make do with what we have. We cant breakup our homes for our childrens sake .they need their parents .There is no guarentee that breaking up will make u happy. My father is seventyfive years old but he still treats my mother like a beloved. Brings flowers for her sometimes .Takes her out once in a while .He is always sweet and caring. All these things make me think love still exists for some people .The others just have to learn to live without it and not bother too much.Mind you i didnt have it in my life either but am still happy and content.so can you.just believe in yourself and be strong. Life is too short to brood and waste .good luck.

good advice. i should be grateful for what i do have. he is a friend and a great roommate and I eat well because of him. maybe i am asking for too much in the way of affection, but sadly it is a human need and I sorely miss it. thank you for the reminder that only we can make ourselves happy....

i feel ur feeling my wife is a mirror of u hubby

I totally understand all of you out there craving affection and connection, and I send you all a big hug, even though I know it's not from the person you'd like it to be from. :) I'm a wife receiving no affection. My head knows it won't get any better, but my heart keeps hoping. He never hugs me, holds my hand or touches me when he walks by. I've even INSTRUCTED him by physically showing him "this is what I'd like you to do when you walk in the door" and physically lifting his arms around me for a hug, or "this is what I'd like you to do when I'm upset about something" and I again "model" a hug and ask him to say "I'm sorry, honey, I can tell you're upset". He just stares at me like I have three heads, and looks angry. I'm craving physical affection. I'm craving CONNECTION. Yes, he's faithful, cooperative around the house and all that. I can't remember who said "No one ever won a woman's heart by mowing her lawn", but boy is that true. We've talked (argued!) about it many times, and he gets better for a couple of weeks, then...poof. Back to zero. In combination with that, the guy is incapable of expressing feelings. We tried couples' counseling where the counselor would say, "OK, John, complete this sentence: I feel ____" and he would just sit there. He'd try "I feel... like we should get new brakes on the car" or "I feel like she's always after me for affection". The counselor said "OK, pick a word: angry, upset, discouraged, embarrassed, confused, frustrated...an emotion, any emotion at all." He still didn't get it. I've been exploring the topic of "alexithymia" - people who cannot identify and express emotions. Any thoughts/feedback out there?

That's almost exactly what goes on with my wife. Our counselor calls it a friendly standoff. I haven't heard of alexithymia but that's such an accurate description. I get a deer in the headlights look from her when I start discussing affection or intimacy, (not sex, emotional intimacy). I think she would connect if she could but it's just not in her. I had to do the "show me what you want" thing too. What I get back is her acting like we're having intimacy, it's not real, it's not satisfying and it's a little creepy.

When we were first together it was bliss - regardless of bills, work, etc. People were envious of our connection. He was affectionate, loving, cuddling, made efforts, wrote loving letters that I still keep in a box, was supportive, giving, etc. It was the most incredible relationship I'd ever experienced. We married and over time, gradually, but surely little things started to creep in that now make me wonder if I wasn't suckered into marriage because I have a j-o-b, am self sufficient, no kids, and he needed health insurance. Seriously, I believe it and it breaks my heart with every non-connected glance, seemingly annoyed kiss he feels me must give or the one he forgets when he walks out the door, with every less I love you he fails to utter, the lessening in quality sex, neglect to boost my ego as I've done his 10 fold, with every email or text he no longer sends, when I know his energy is consumed with gaming, drinking, and lazing about while I'm at work (just finished college) and am looking for a 2nd job because I'm taking care of elderly and handicapped relatives elsewhere. I pay for everything. He's paid for nothing in years. So I'm even more enraged because I do everything - I work, I cook, I will clean up after myself, I make my own money, etc. All he manages to do is martyr himself whenever I try to mention that my needs are no longer being met. Yes, I'd love for him to get off his lazy *** and get a job. His excuse is an amalgamation of working for his dad, waiting for the right opportunity (but it is a particular and unrealistic opportunity), etc. He thought he'd get out of college having hardly ever worked and the world would just give him a $60k job. Me, I've worked since I was a teenager, growing up very poor, and I had to struggle for everything I ever had. He never really suffered for anything. But these personality conflicts did not emerge until we were married. I'm accepting the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore....this chants in my head whenever I watch him curl away after watching television, or when he goes off into another room. YES people need personal space, but he complained to me the other day that he never had alone time and even when I come home, sometimes he'd still like it. WHAT? Excuse me? I sleep ~7 hours, gone anywhere from 7-12 hours, so for the few hours I might be home I never get alone time. Someone is always there. And when we were first together the man practically met me at the door daily. Now he's annoyed that I walk through the door. All of my relationships (mother, brother, husband) are the exact same. No one wants me around, but wow they like the life I can provide with my work ethic. The family is a long story, but I never expected my husband to completely flake on me. And I wonder too if he's gay. I took vows, believing in the promises I took. I'm not interested in the drama or mess of an affair - I WANT HIM! I have no idea how he can possibly think this is happy. He should be grateful I'm even there because if this continues, vows or not, knowing he no longer loves me will eventually drive me out the door. For now, I have more important things to deal with aside from his fragile ego and complete lack of affection. I am sorry for everyone else here. I wish I could hold you in my arms & say, "It'll all be ok." But I fear I'd just be lying. I wish now I'd never gotten married, that perhaps we'd dated and just broken up once things got crappy. He doesn't financially support me, he doesn't emotionally support me, he doesn't psychologically or physically support me in any way. So what the hell is he there for? Oh, right, the free will do loaf about and do virtually nothing while pretending his life is so hard, and baggering me for being in a less than perfect mood when I walk in the door some days. Because apparently I'm supposed to be little miss f*ing perfect all the f*ing time. That doesn't work either. As for love languages, I've always known people have very different ways of expressing. I like security and affection. I get neither of these anymore. Used to get it all the time. No one said the language would change. We're the same damn people. Yet somehow I ended up the "man" of the relationship, but feeling needy and frustrated. I'm not a needy person, I feel I DESERVE the attention, but I shouldn't have to ASK for it. If it doesn't come freely I DON'T WANT it. But if it's not coming at all, there's a reason. I'm on the edge of my seat to know why, but I suspect it's because HE married me for the wrong reasons. I think too a lot of it has to do with his moods & depression. It was not like this when we were first together. Had I known he was going to turn into a gaming, unattentive, broke cyborg I would never have stayed. oh and I think his parents played me too. His mom tells me frequently she should have warned me about his laziness and depression.

I feel so sorry for you. It sounds like your husband basically wants to be taken care of like a child for the rest of his life and has found you to do it. I wouldn't normally suggest someone gets a divorce (it's an extreme solution) and tries to work on the marriage but from what you've said, I'd say divorce this guy and seek out someone who is your equal before you waste more years and just get older being his mommy.

This is maddening. How come there's not a solution for this? I have the same issue. I expressed needing affection b/c it faded to zero. In addition to this I was wondering if this would help in the bedroom b/c I'm not that into it, it's no fun for me. It's awkward. I'm a young woman we've been together for 10 years & married for 5. I'm at the point where I don't look forward to special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries b/c there's no effort in trying to do something special. I haven't had a job in quite some time but I can deal with that but I refuse to have that thrown in my face as an excuse for needing affection. <br />
<br />
I don't appreciate being called needy & desperate b/c I expressed my concerns. Expressing the thought of how I can see how affairs can occur b/c a spouse's needs aren't met was brushed off to the side and had a response, if it happens it happens. I understand there can be conflict in marriages which is expected, but what's the point of marriage when I can no long look to my spouse as a friend and share random thoughts or concerns or personal issues I have with concerning myself or needs. My character has been attacked & I'm not going to not be myself just b/c there's something you don't like, I've adjusted too much to the point where I didn't feel like I was being myself. When I had issues with my spouses behavior, I was simply told, well this is me & I'm not going to doing anything different. Seems like all marriages are like this according to this post & I do question what's the point marriage if you're miserable most of the time. I didn't marry for finances, I'm capable to taking care of myself if need be, I'd find a way, but what's the point of a relationship when there's no intimacy outside of sex or emotional needs aren't met? What substance does this have?

I know how you feel I have been married a very long time I don't feel like a woman or loved any more I am always tearful as I love my husband but he does not come near me. I miss his touch so much. I don't think it's much to ask for a bit of affection. It seems to be since our children left home to start their own married lives. we have had sex once in the last year, this upsets me more because I know he does not have a problem. I tell him he does not love me any more he says he does but how can he, as I love him and want to touch him always but cant as the rejection hurts to much. Its true what you say a cuddle when he comes home would feel wonderful. I have asked to go to counselling but he will not go. when he see's me upset the reply is always not the water works again. I just don't know what to do any more.

My husband's brother's wife was always jealous of me. She always used to compete with me and wanted to prove that she is better than me to my mother in law. She used to bring fights between me and my husband always and ruined our married life. But she is happy with her husband. Her husband dances to her tunes and supports her for all the bad things she does. He joins her and tells bad about me to my mother in law and tries to prove his wife is great. I am very hurt. When I try to tell this to my husband he used to just hit me and asking me to stop telling him things about them. I am hurt and i seek my husband's protection. Every time I talk to my co-sister she taunts me for something or the other. If I tell my husband about this he hits me instead of supporting me. I don't know why god is unfair to me. He needs to punish my husband's brother's wife instead he punished me.

We don't even cuddle anymore! I stay on my side of the bed and he stays on his. I've wondered if it was a health issue. Bear1956, as a man, would you see a Dr. to find a solution if intimacy was that important to your wife? Or would you just expect her to understand and do without?

For the last six years of our marriage my wife wouldn't put a hand to me. I'd do all the 'work' while she'd lay there watching TV or whatever. I had just had enough of it, told her so and shortly thereafter she filed for divorce. All the better.

I am in tears as I read all of your comments because I am in the same boat. I feel lonely in my own home, sexually frustrated, and very unattractive. We've been together for about half my life (14 years) and married 7years. We have two children. When we first started dating (in college) we had sex multiple times pretty much everyday. Now, I am not expecting to have sex this often. I know we have jobs and we are older with very busy lives. But for the last two years, I've been practically BEGGING for affection and intimacy. He has given me the same excuses you've all mentioned: too tired, so stressed out...even that because I don't seem focused or concerned with finances the way he feels that I should be. I've made attempts to meet his needs by trying to watch finances and keep a better house, etc. That hasn't changed our sex life. I no longer attempt to initiate sex because I just don't handle rejection well and I already know that he'll either say he's too tired, or he's too hot for me to lie so close to him/cuddle. I've been told that all I ever think about is sex and that sex isn't the only way to show love. And I get that! Recently, my mother was sick and passed away. I know he loves me because he was there for me through all of that. He took really good care of me. BUT SEX AND INTIMACY IS STILL IMPORTANT TO ME. I've tried to be direct and come out and ask for sex (which I hate...seems so cold). He always manages to change the subject. I've made him aware that we haven't had sex in _____weeks. He always says that I am imagining it...so I downloaded an app on my phone where I can track it. Currently, we average 1-2 time a month. I just don't get it. I was away for a whole month and he called me constantly to say how he missed me and how horny he was. I just knew I was in for some real hot sex when I got home. We had sex when I first got home and didn't have sex again for a whole month. I'm so thrown! I've seriously considered cheating, but I really don't want to go that route. sigh.

I have really come to the conclusion that the partners in question are getting their needs met some other way. Most likely by themselves when they are alone. If they weren't they would be seeking it from us or another person. Everyone has sexual desires! To me it's cheating and denying us something crucial to intimacy.

I have experienced everything you all feel.......I don't think our partners can ever change and would love to know why they become this way when they have had unconditional love from us, here is my poem:<br />
Heartbroken<br />
<br />
No communication<br />
No love or embracing<br />
It's so damn frustrating!<br />
<br />
To kiss is a mission<br />
That just keeps me wishing<br />
For the love we were making.<br />
<br />
Told not to question<br />
Accept this progression!<br />
It's over I reckon.<br />
<br />
Heartbroken.

I BEG for affection from my wife and she acts like its a chore. Is it that tough to come home from work and give the person you love a hug? If I get a hug it is me that initiates it and I get the eye roll. It blows my mind...

Please advice - I sleep with my kid in my kid's room to give the kid company and so that kid does not feel alone to sleep. This started 3-4 years back. My husband sleeps in another room.We don't sleep together. He does not even come and say we need to sleep together. Sex we have once a month or so. Why should I be the one to propose we need to sleep together? I feel he is not even interested. We fight a lot because of others. If I feel hurt about an outsider's action I tell my husband. He does not want to listen. He does not want hear anything bad about anybody. I am not a saint. If I talk a little more than he can hear he will hit me. Do you think I am wrong in telling him my problems? Do I need therapy? Please advice

I have the same problem with my partner and it makes me ask is he gay.

I've been married for three years now. My husband shows affection through purchasing things for me. I always tell him you can save yourself a lot of money by giving me a FREE hug every day or every other day! He also uses the excuse that es too stressed with supporting the family to be affectionate. So now that your not alone. I was just talking to two of my girlfriends (one married, one engaged) who also experience the same thing! I don't know the answer to the problem, but if you ever find out please let me know.

Hi everyone,<br />
Same here.... We have been together five years (not married & not engaged) and have two children together. We used to spend time together all the time. Everything was perfect. We both agreed that I will be SHM until our youngest turns 3. <br />
He lately is working a lot, so I understand that he is exhausted. However, he just went out few minutes ago to see his friend... He worked since 7am this morning and then was fixing his car until 9pm. Where did he find the energy to go out at 10pm? When he is home after work around 9pm 90% of the time he falls asleep on the couch. Doesn't have energy to hold me. He won't give me a kiss when he comes home or leaves. I feel soooo lonely. I feel heart broken. He doesn't go out a lot, and I'm fine if he goes to see his friends. The problem is that we never go out together. If he has that one evening full of energy and time he would rather do something else than spend it with me:( We never see each other because he is always working and I'm home waiting to see him and just cuddle. <br />
I don't know what to do anymore. I was thinking about leaving, but our children, both under 4 just love him so much.<br />
<br />
Katherine

Totally get where you're coming from. Totally, pretty much exactly same thing going on with me but have 4 children, just so lonely and unhappy most of the time, I have got on with my life and compose music and do so much with the children so that I can try to combat the loneliness, we've talked and talked about everything and all he says is he feels rejected after we had our first child almost 10 years ago. I hate it when people say it's the wife's fault, the only time he's nice to me and starts touching me is to slap me on the bum when he wants sex. I never initiate because he initiates it so much, but I just do it to make him happy and because it's a need in the relationship. We also sleep in separate beds and other than sex he never touches me, something I hate. It puts me off sex. He's away from the house on average 10-14 hrs a day

Wow there sure is a lot of us in the same boat. What I dont understand is when people date and go out everything is blissful and romantic but when they live together or get married things start changing and its always one person that stops being the way they were as if to say that whatever they said or did before was all fake. Why do they do that??? I have been married for 4 years and only lived together for a year and when we were not living together he was so sweet and romantic always complimenting me and showing love. However, now that we have been living together he does not compliment me or even say i love you, he is always picking on my imperfections (apparently he is only joking) and calling me names and I honestly feel ugly and unattractive even though I am very pretty (not blowing my own trumpet or anything but I have been told). i stay awake nearly all night just to have quality time but he rather spend it watching some documentary or on his laptop. He even has the nerve to blame me when things go wrong and I know I havent done any thing wrong. He is always joking and being childish with me and the kids, even though I laugh with him I want some seriousness as in him looking into my eyes and saying he loves me like he used to do but theres nothing :(<br />
i have had enough of this and I am treating him like the way he is with me-unaffectionate. There will be a time and I am so sure about it in the future when he will be wanting some love and affection but I wont give it and he can not blame me if I end up finding love from someone else who will appreciate me.

Well I can tell you that from my experience I have been married for almost 14 years and we have three children. Since he has gone from working for the phone company to working for the phone company and doing computer work he may show affection once every two months and if I ever bring it up to him it is never anything but trouble and what a horrible wife and mother I am so no it doesn't get any better you just learn how to live with it or leave as cold as that may sound.

If some outsider hurts my feeling and I go and tell my husband, he does not want to listen. He basically does not want to listen to anything negative about anybody. I have to express my feelings and he does not want to hear. This really hurts me. Then why should we get married. I can't keep things to my heart. The main reason I married him is to share my feelings with my life partner.I have not married him to provide me food and shelter. Now I can't just leave him I am stuck basically. There is no sex at all. He sleeps in a different room and I sleep with my child.He does not even ask for it. He helps me with my household chores and takes care of my child, he is a good provider. He has never comforted me emotionally. I need this very badly.I cannot divorce him and go thru that pain. Instead I have to live with him and go thru this pain. We will be talking something and there suddenly arises a mismatch in the conversation. It leads to a big fight. This happens very often. I just hate my life. I have had a bitter child hood and a bitter marriage. Don't get why we have to be born? Why should this world exist? I wish I get cancer or die in an accident rather than lead such a life.

Ok, Ladies... as a guy who's been married for a lot of years.... My wife has no interest in affection - which I only discovered after I stopped being so affectionate. I know how you feel - in spades. A spontaneous hug would mean so much..... At this point, I just feel cheated out of what it is to be human.... <br />
<br />
Life's too damn short......

Please get out of this and find someone who will love you. This is only going to get worse and you will end up with someone you have to care for and are tied to. Life is too short to live this way. GET OUT!

I'm in the same boa no affection whatsoever. I have to ask for a hug or kiss. When I bring this up he flips out and gets upset. He always wants to please his kids but could care less about pleasing me. He calls me names and tells me to shut up infront of my kids. And has the same excuses hes tired, hes stressed from work. But never tired or stressed when he has his kids. And always on his stupid cell phone. I dont know what to do anymore. Lost my job and have no where to go.

Wow ladies it's amazing how much we all have in common! I so deeply feel where you all are coming from! So much hurt and pain, you really feel like you're in a marriage alone. Sometimes I just want to scream!! Pray things get better for us!

I am a man in the same boat as you women. My girlfriend of 20 months started changing after I moved in with her last year. Things were great and we kissed for hours all the time and making love was fantastic. We could have seductive talk and play. she wanted to go to bed and play now it has went 180 degrees she will not get into bed unless she goes right to sleep and stopped wearing night shirts and now wears two peace long pants pajamas which I never saw for the first half of our relationship. WOW I have been with my girlfriend for over a year and a half and moved in a year ago. It is the same story. The romance and affections was great until I was there for about 2 months and slowly started to go away. When we used to have kissing it started not where her 15 year old daughter could see after 5 months of seeing. It was always the wrong time. No sex at night because it wakes me up and I won’t be able to sleep. It is morning. I Massage her I try to be tender. I can barely get even a peck but she loves me.... All the same excuses as I have read above. It is got to a point where why do we have to go to bed together and I will be right in and she falls asleep on the couch. I am not a heart breaker but whenever I try about it is not the right time and she gets upset. Kissing there is barley a peck and she says she loves me but it is never the right time even for a kiss of more than a couple seconds and then another or a hug OMG. There are excuses for any time of the day and whatever. I am not a heartbreaker but I am going to have to leave as we are in our late 50s she has a teenage daughter and so I tried to be kind as I do love her and I have the chemistry it drives me crazy and I get much stressed over this. Whenever I bring up the subject she says it is not the right time either and backs off more. I want to enjoy my live before I get old. I had one long 29 year marriage prior and three adult children. It is hard for me to just be mean and leave but I guess I really have no choice. She is the one that when we knew each other for month told me don’t change (and I was not sure what she meant until she did. Any advice girls...I am a very nice guy really. :)

Whats sad to me is that man always say "We Wives" dont give them what there need...and they go out and get it an other way...we all here wish we would get just a kind word a kiss a hug...just anything is making our world so much better...I hope we all find our way what makes us happy...We cant please or change them...and allow them to treat us like that...we are all special and someone else would be happy to have a person beside them like we are...but we stick with what we have cause we scared from the unknowing...but sometimes thats better then to be treated like we nobody...

Get out now! I'm in the same situation for 26 yrs. It's too late for me but not you. Don't waste anymore of your life.

after 28 yrs, i say to all of you leave and find peace for yourselves. Stop struggling to get them to cherish you , it will never happen. I am 54 and feel it is too late for me?????. just go, it will never ever change.

Im so sorry you're in this kind of relationship. But you are not alone.

It's so reassuring to know I'm not only one in same situation 27 years together and same lack of basic affection and attention worse since marrying 14 years ago,last straw came and asked him to leave after pouring my heart open over why things where bad he told me I was unstable and his mother told me I had never treated him as a husband! How wrong they both are I have not asked for the word just a kind considered word or show if affection, took him back promised he would never let it happen again ,lasted 6 weeks and back at square 1!!!!!....................

Wow! We are married to the same guy. My husband of 1 year wont touch me, go to bed with me and only has sex with me maybe every 6 weeks. His excuse is that hes tired, to comfortable in his chair, not in the mood or whatever else he can come up with. I ask him for affection, he says not now. I ask for sex or try to initiate it and he asks if thats all i think about. We are both 40 so i dont understand the problem. Im not sure what to do.

Boy can I relate. I'm just so unhappy in my marriage. I met him 20 years ago and we've been married 15 years. He has never been affectionate and I used to complain but thought I could overlook it with his other good qualities but I'm miserable. I'm starving for love and feel dead inside. It's this anxiety of feeling trapped in a nightmare. I have mustered up the strength to realize I must leave him. I am not going to live like this. We sleep in separate rooms b/c he snores and he says alot of marriages do that? Really? I think he has no emotion b/c his childhood was so rough. All his siblings are divorced and their wives all complained about the same thing. So, leave and live your life happy! Get out there and live life! We're living alone anyway, we mind as well have control over our lives without someone bringing us down!! We're all in this together.

Am the same as all of u, 12 years of marriage, I have 2 kids, what me leave and ruin there little life's . I'm in a trap like most of us, I can't break those kids hearts, so my life is this, he is into sex but that's it , no affection, I lay there and fill used, it was so nice when we was going out together, soon as we got married that was it!. It's so hard no affection day in day out, and then you have to have sex!. I have spoke for the first 8 years of my marriage , after 8 Yeats I gave up trying to talk to him about it, all my answer was, I will try to be more affectionate , lasts a day of nice then goes back to what it is, now I just do life for my kids, but in my heart I'm not happy. God be with you all xxxxx

That is exactly how I feel 'USED'

I'm in the same situation. I only talk to my cousin about my problems because I'm to embarrassed to share my husband’s lack of affection towards me with anyone else. My husband doesn't tell me he loves , he doesn't kiss me, touch me, cuddle me or sex me anymore. We've been together 5 years and married 2, I'm so ******* fed up. Whenever I mention my issues to him, he just yells and curses and tells me to leave him alone in peace. We'll, what about me and what makes me peaceful “a little love, attention and affection." Over the last year, I find myself becoming angry at other men who compliment me, because it's not coming from the man I want to hear it from (my husband). How do we as women cope without finding ourselves in the arms of another man? I love my husband, but I also feel hatred for him in my heart. He just doesn't care that his actions are a sign of rejection to me. Good luck to us all.

We are all married to the same man. I am so unhappy. I don't even know who I am anymore. I am dying inside. All becuase I'm doing what is correct. Not seeking affection from another man. I am in so much pain and there is nothing I can do about that. Slow torture. I sound like a broken record to the few friends I have. What else do I do. My heart is heavy.

All the above comments really freak me out. I'm seeing the red light flashing.<br />
<br />
I've been dating a very traditional/conservative man for 9 months. It's long distance so I never suspected anything and assumed that he probably has great respect for me. On three occasions we shared the same bed and nothing happened. NOTHING! NO sex because we are both Christians.<br />
<br />
Two days ago, on New Year, I got very restless (after reading He's Just Not That Into You), and sort of pressurized him into holding my hands and eventually kissing me (in the bedroom) for the very first time! First time he (38 year old) ever kissed a girl. No tongue. I thought that I got a break through and perhaps more kissing the following day. Nope! He just rolled out of the bed we were sharing and went to the living room to watch tv.<br />
<br />
I came back to my town last night and asked him on the phone. He says his parents never showed any affection, and its our culture (?? we are both Asians!!). He was thinking we might not be compatible and although he didn't say it I knew he was sort of giving me an ultimatum that the relationship will have to end if I continue to be 'needy'.<br />
<br />
He is a very good man, and righteous. I used to feel lucky that I found someone I'm pretty sure will never ever cheat on me. But I never thought it could be this extreme. If we were to get married in the future, will he ever denies me sex? I've live without sex so far but to never ever experience sex is a very scary thought.<br />
<br />
I hope its false alarm and that he will learn to at lest give me some affection (in private space). Or, should I be alarmed?

I've been going through this too for 19 years. He would only touch me for sex...that's it. I left 3 years ago. We were separated for 2 years.<br />
<br />
He promised he'd be different, but nothing has changed this past year that I've been back.<br />
<br />
I think, for too many years, generations past, the men didn't have to worry about their wives emotional needs. Once married, the woman was pretty much trapped due to finances. This treatment towards wives has been passed down through the ages. Now though, times have changed, women will not and do not have to accept being ignored and our needs being downplayed.<br />
<br />
Eventually, future generations of men will catch up, if we teach our boys the importance of meeting their spouse's emotional needs.<br />
<br />
As for me, I'm not living the rest of my life like this

I think we are all married to the same man.

Although it's been painful for us women it's also comforting that we are not alone. I've been married for nearly 14 years and this non-affection stance my husband takes is very stressful to me. I have never experienced this in past marriage and relationships. It's too weird. I went to a therapist 2 years ago and came to the conclusion that he probably has some form of Asperger's syndrome which is a form of autism. He actually agrees with the diagnosis. The therapist says it's very difficult to live with because it's hardwired in a person. Now what?
The deal is, my husband has a mechanical perfectionist mind, needs to be right, plays guitar, plays computer games over and
over, watches a lot of movies, has handyman skills, is a conservative. He's handsome but unaffectionate. Has a past of looking at online nakedness. I don't think he's doing it now but who knows with all the privacy on the iPhone, etc.
I believe with all my heart that almost all women need to feel loved through displays of gentle affection and men need to learn this early on in life. It's essential to our well-being.
Ladies, hang on, look for a purpose for you. (I just began taking piano lessons) It's hard but I can play a song or two now. yea!

I know what you all mean, I'm in the same position. Been married 12 years, have 2 kids together - 12 and 5, husband shows no affection. No random touch, no caress, no going to bed together, no kisses just for the sake of kissing, no nothing. <br />
<br />
We have talked about it, and he makes half an effort after I bring it up, but then things go back the way they always were. We are now sleeping in separate rooms. We're great friends, we respect each other, he does everything for me, and he's a great dad, but I'm lonely. Recently I told him I was disgusted with our relationship, that I cannot stay in a passionless marriage, and that we were probably over. <br />
<br />
A few months ago I started seeing someone else, a friend from years ago. I know it's wrong, and though we still talk all the time and care deeply for each other, we've stopped seeing each other. For now. And we never made love. But I tell you ladies what - It really opens your eyes, to spend time with someone who wants to touch you. I mean really wants you. Someone who kisses you slow and puts his hands in your hair. Someone who sneaks up behind you to put his arms around you and kiss your neck. Someone who wants to kiss you all over. You know?<br />
<br />
I don't know the right thing to do, I guess it depends on how much we can tolerate, and feeling wanted as a woman is important. I have considered staying together for the kids, but what good will that do? I can't be the best mom I can be if I'm dying inside. AND, my girls will grow up thinking this is normal. <br />
<br />
I want them to see me thrive, fully loving and being loved.

I know how you feel i have gone though the same thing for the last 4 years. Im 24 years old my fiance is 32 and i aready have the same problem. We are such like best friends we do everything together but im a very sexsual person and i need it all the time or at least a couple times a week and to only have sex twice a month is pethidic!! i adressed the problem so many times over and over again and it always ends up being the same thing, i lay there hoping he will come on to me and then he just gose to bed and i go to bed angry sad hurt feeling like im nothing it sucks. I don't no what to do anymore we have a son 2 years old he wants to have another kid im scared to because i don't want to have another one and be feeling like this all the time and then eventually leave him!! I don't no what to do , I go out more often now to cause i get no affection at home and he just sits and watches tv munches and gose to bed same thing every single dam day!! It is hard for me to think of leaving him cause we have a young son and we have been together for coming up to 8 years now since i was 16 years old so i feel kindof stuck! What should i do anyone even no??

Wow, I cannot believe that I am hearing such similar stories to my own. I've been with my husband for 6 years, married for just under 2. In our 2 years of "wedded bliss" we've maybe had sex 15 times, and forget any other types of intimacy, it's pretty much non existent. We don't even kiss when we do eventually have sex; it's totally emotionless and purely mechanical and it only happens when I initiate it. Both my husband and I are attractive people, he is in his early 40's and I am in my mid 30's. I have a daughter who is 18 and he has a daughter who is 8. We have no children together. I will admit, we have issues in our marriage that I'm sure some would say could contribute to his lack of affection. However, I am also going through the same issues as him but I still want to be intimate with my husband regardless. <br />
<br />
In the beginning he was never a passionate lover, but I loved to please him and I was good with that, but as time passed, I realized that he never initiated sex with me and that it bothered me that he never came to me, he never "wanted" me. Please tell me how a man can lay by a woman every night and not get sexually aroused - and, I've tried everything to get him to come to me? Now, unless I'm basically raping my husband, he has no interest in me what-so-ever. I've never been one to have a low self esteam but I can honestly tell you, I have never felt worse about myself than I do right now. I now find myself wanting to go out with my friends more and more just because I thrive off of the male attention I get when I'm out. All you ever hear is that men want sex all the time, lord knows I hear it from my friends complaining that their husbands never leave them alone when it comes to sex, and here I am laying next to a man I would love to make love to but he has no interest in me. How long does a wife have to wait for intimacy from her husband? I know that it will only be time before I end up cheating on him. I can't live without affection for the rest of my life. <br />
<br />
Yes, we have talked about this, we have gone to counseling and all I get from him is that he does loves me and he does find me attractive. But, when it comes to the actual act, I get the same excuses, "I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm....". I don't think he's having an affair because he never goes out, he has no real friends, he just works. Yes, I've thought about the "office affair" but he works at an industrial plant with all men and he calls me from there all the time so I know he's actually there. I suppose he could be doing the internet thing, ****, chat rooms ect... but you'd think he'd still want the real thing at some point?! <br />
<br />
Please, if anyone has any thoughts, advice, please let me know! I feel desperate, I am desperate and very lonely.

I am in the same position. I have been with my husband for 18 years. We have 2 children. For the past 12 years there has been very little affection between us and we have not had sex for 4 years now. When we did have sex he was very selfish and didn't really understand that women need affection for them to enjoy sex. My husband doesn't seem to need affection or sex now and never asks for it. He treats me like a mother, I do most of the household chores and see to the children. I also hold down a full-time night job and worked my up to a managerial position. I was recently given the opportunity of working towards another promotion. I wanted to discuss this with him because I would need his help with taking care of the kids. He refused to discuss it and just walked away. I feel really frustrated that yet again and I have to walk away from another good opportunity. Our partnership doesn't feel like it is a husband and wife relationship, we are more like brother and sister. I tried many times about 6 years ago to discuss this with him but he kept telling me that I was stupid and wouldn't listen, I have given up now. I started an affair about 6 years ago which lasted for 2 years. My husband found out and went mad. I made the decision to stay with him for the sake of our children. I really miss the person that I had an affair with and think about them everyday. My husband doesn't talk about the affair at all. I think that he was scared that I would leave because he wouldn't be able to cope on his own and maybe I am a bit scared about how I would cope as well. I feel very up and down all of the time. I don't want to address the issues between us anymore and keep thinking about the day that I can leave him. If we didn't have children I would have gone a long time ago. I really know how you are feeling and you are right - IT SUCKS!

I am having the same problem. My husband only tells me that he loves me if it is in reponse to me saying it first and he acts like it is painful to hug or kiss me. We have sex on a regular basis, but that is all the affection I get. I feel like his *****, nanny and slave. We have been married for almost 6 years and have two children together. I have asked, cried and begged for more affection and still there is nothing. Is it too much to ask to get a hug or hear a compliment ever now and again. I am now to the point where I am asking myself, how long to do I stay in this marriage? Do I stick it out for the kids or start my life over without him? I have needs that he doesn't seem to care about. I know what you are feeling and it SUCKS!

Men only want you when it's conventing for them. They are scare to show the loving side for the sake some of the others might find him henpeck and bowing down to a woman. My husband excuse was he didn't want to be call henpeck and doing honey do stuff, while his friends were enjoy the life of freedom. He also stated that he works 10 to 12 hours shift a day and sitting a bar with his friends until 7:00 to 10:00 at night was his rest from the hard day of work and that I should find some other things to keep interested until he gets home. My husband doesn't help with any housework or yardword. He expects me to do it all while he has his fun. All men are selfish and do not want to give in to female what so ever. There are very few men that will bow down to a woman, but these are very few and far between. So women if you are thinking of doing anything that you shouldn't do, I wouldn't if I was you. This action will come back and hunt you. What your men does is their business and not yours. Just keep in mine that you should always be ready when they are, even if you don't want to have sex that night, sometimes you have to give it. Also keep in mine that men are just boys in a mans body and you know what boys like to do they like to play and do their own stuff, so if your guy was raise this way, which most of them are, then you are going either put up with it or just leave altogether. The choice is yours. Remember you can't have your cake and eat it to, only the men can do that.

My marriage is the same way...no affection. I have been married for 6 years and in the beginning it was great, but as time passed, I found myself asking him on our first anniversary vacation why he doesn't seem so affectionate with me any longer. His excuses also range from being tired at work, to an occasional backache. I am 40 and he is 48I When i asked him about his lack of affection on our first anniversary, he simply said that we had passed the "exciting and new" stage of our relationship and that marriage is more than sex and affection. I somewhat agree, but I still feel attracted and want to express my love through hugs and kisses, and sex more than just once every 2-3 weeks! This hurts me tremendously and we have had many arguments over it. I have tried numerous times to explain how important this is to me and it's not just a want, it is a human need for affection! I am an attractive woman and take care of myself. His friends are always telling him he's got such a hot wife. I get more compliments out of his friends in one night than I have from him over a 5 year period! And it's not only the lack of physical attention and compliments, but he rarely talks to me or looks me in the eyes! He never gets me any cards or flowers, anything just to let me know he is thinking of me. He is very devoted and responsible. He plays with my children and does things with them, (they are 16, 12, and 9). He likes to go on outings with us, and is devoted to our church. Great man....just very little affection. It hurts me a great deal because I recently found myself drawn to someone else...which being a Christian and knowing this is wrong, is really making me feel hopeless. I have always been totally against flirting w/the opposite sex while married, against ***********, and of course, adultery. The man I met is the same age as my husband, is not married, and also has older children that live with him. One night after a terrible argument with my husband about the "lack of affection" subject, I ran out of the house and straight to this man I had been texting and talking to. I was so empty and just couldn't take it any longer. I ended up kissing him which was the best kiss I had ever experienced in my life. To make this drama short, I have been seeing this man for 4 months now, have had sex numerous times with him and have experienced passion that I never dreamed possible. Even when I first met my husband, it was never this passionate. And for the last 5 years, when my husband and I have sex, he's so lazy about it! He always lays down, doesn't undress me, doesn't want to roll over to love on me. And it's over in 15 minutes. I've tried so many different things with him to try to spark some interest, but nothing works. Because of my Christian background, I didn't understand how this could happen to me. Why and how could I go to this extreme? And I am struggling with this today. Because now, I feel so much for this man I've been spending time with, but I still love my husband. The ONLY one thing lacking in our marriage was strong enough to break me down and send me elsewhere. I am torn between my husband and this man. And for those out there who say you would never do it.....Never say never. I did. I know that I am sinning. I know it is wrong. My problem is that I need the love and affection I have with the other man, but cannot bear the thought of leaving my husband because I love him, and the kids love him. But what are you supposed to do when you have addressed the issue several times and not getting anywhere? Do you live year after year with no more romance? Little hugs and kisses? Passion? This is tearing me up inside. The other man loves me and is very affectionate like me. Most of the time when I see him, we just want to lay and hold each other, just snuggle and kiss. It's not all about sex. It's intimacy. I just dont understand how someone like my husband could not understand where I'm coming from. I was hoping I guess to get this "desire" out of my system when I started my affair. I thought maybe this was something I could do once and then I would feel refreshed or something? But it's still going. And I can't bear the thought of not having this other man in my life anymore. That old song, "Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool...loving both of you is breaking all the rules"....wow, so true. I keep telling myself that the day will come soon when I have to deal with this and end my affair, or end my marriage. On days that I feel strongly about that, I end up in tears and just excuse my affair by my husband's lack of physical love and tell myself to try and think logically. IBelieve it or not, I have also prayed about it. I have asked God to forgive me and to help me. But somehow, I am still stuck in my situation and always ends up with the same thought..."day by day". It seems my days are now turning into months and I'm scared. But I wanted you to know, though you posted this almost 2 yrs ago, there are others out there too dealing with this hurt. It's a real problem when the one you love isn't "loving you" like they should. Especially when they know it means so much to you. I hope you have found some kind of solution to your dilemma darlin, as I am hoping to figure out how to deal with mine.....

I completely understand what you are going through or have gone through. I see this was posted a year and a half ago, but it was so like my situation, I found myself bursting out into tears while reading your post. I've been married for 22 years to a man a met when I was 19 years old in college. He's very fun and gregarious with everyone, but we go through times of affection doldrums as he calls them. About 12 years ago, I was so starved for affection that I began an affair with a friend who was also in a troubled marriage. We were both looking for affection. Like you, it was so passionate and wonderful. He made me feel beautiful, intelligent, important. It lasted for a couple of years. During this time, I found out my husband had a couple of short lived affairs also. This gave me a window to talk about it because I no longer felt so guilty. I confessed all and said I wanted to leave. When I tried to leave he broke down crying, said he loved me and couldn't live without me. So we tried counseling. I broke it off with the other man who also wanted to work on his marriage. He moved away and I didn't hear from him for 12 years. Things were better with my husband for a while or so I thought. It was almost like a switch flipped inside me so I didn't need as much affection. Just went about my career, was involved with my teenage kids' activities. All seemed ok. Then my parents had some pretty serious health issues that I had to devote a lot of time to. What was my husband doing? Hanging with friends, going to technology conventions, buy things. I had to ask him to support me through all of it. I spent weeks away from home taking care of my parents and only once did he come see me to support me and that was only after I begged him to. After the health issues calmed down, I found out the other man moved back to town for a job. He was newly divorced. We had all been friends, so my husband didn't really get weird about him being back in town. I thought I was over him too. Then I actually saw him at the store and he took my breath away. We talked for a bit, but I kept it very casual (work, kids, etc.) We belong to the same social club of sorts so I saw him from time to time. I could feel the chemistry between us, but tried very hard not to let it go beyond friendly conversations. At one of the events our group had, I planned to return a gift he had given me years before to finally give our relationship some closure. We were able to talk for a while and then he confessed he was still in love with me. It was at that moment I realized what I had done to make it through the last 12 years. I had put walls up to protect myself at home. I just didn't feel anything at home because it was too hard to have feelings and affection needs, just to have them rejected. I thought I had just moved on. When he told me he still loved me, every feeling that I had kept bottled up, came rolling out in a flood of tears. And I was right back to loving him more than I did 12 years ago. A couple of my friends noticed that I light up when he's around, but they have been very kind and discreet. My husband doesn't have a clue or he chooses not to deal with it. He barely touches me, I spend many nights on the couch b/c he snores. We've had sex twice in the last 4 months and it usually only lasts 15 min. with minimal affection. I've come to realize that he would be doing the same thing if I were here or not....watching t.v., playing on the computer, drinking with friends. He doesn't act any different if I'm there. The other man treats me differently than anyone else in his life. I feel special and important. I want to leave, but I have a child in college. Financially it would be a mess. Not sure what to do. I've always taken care of everyone in my life (husband, kids, parents) and my own needs have come last. A trait I learned from my mother. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your misery. I'm curious how it has worked out for you since your last post was a year and a half ago.

A red flag? Hell thats a BANNER that could cover a stadium if the hoist was as wide spread as the implication it suggested.<br />
I have a whole bunch to say here, and please dont think I'm trying to be harsh....but sometimes..harsh is exactly what a person endures on a daily basis while trying to justify what isnt there at the expense of feelings someone else isnt aware of.<br />
Okay, so there are excuses like ants are at picnics, but excuses arent like A$$holes where everyone has one. Excuses are more like fingers where at any given time eight can be given and two thumbs function *** a half assed answer.<br />
Sure, there are stresses in anyones day, and on occasion that could be a very plausible and fair reason. But when you have a CHRONIC injury, it seems to me like this is going to be a chronic excuse as well. Is he so Chronically affected that it makes him so he cant read? No. Is it so chronic that he cant bear to function playing video games? No. Plain old fact is that he has the ability to destress with other means but not if it has to do with anything out of his comfort zone. And if you are out of that comfort zone already, theres a problem. If he is offended that you would bring up a counter argument to being in a relationship where affection and intimacy, and even basic comfort is defined more by what he wants, rather than what you NEED, there is a BIG problem.<br />
This is becoming an all to common theme that one partner needs to feel obligated to a lack of fullfillment by having the situation trivialized by the other who has no need of it in the first place, let alone a need to express it to the needs of another nor the ability to feel the emotional impact that has on a person who DOES need it. This is a RELATIONSHIP, right? So tell me where the relationship is between what he doesn't want and what you need?<br />
Someone once told me that the ir partner was a rock.....but you can't expect much at all from a rock.<br />
My guess is that once all of the relationship needs were met to his liking, and he learned you were more self sacrificing than he deserved but gained the benefits of anyway, he simply stopped doing anything if it wasnt going to come with a consequence for NOT doing it. Nobody leans against an electric fence twice....unless it was never plugged in to begin with. When that happens, theyll lean on it until it breaks the post as well as the wire.<br />
You got married for a relationship, not to become a surrogate mother. Sour the milk, turn the heat up, tighten the screws and have him stand up off that couch(bad back or not), drop the game controller, and have him step up to the plate to play the game he wanted. And if he doesnt, then drop the ball, drop the bat, walk across the field and find a person who wants to play ball