I Just Want to Feel Loved and Wanted
This story starts about 15 years ago. I was 21 and had my whole life ahead of me. I was in my second year of college and had every intention of graduating. I felt that one day I would achieve my goals and dreams. I thought that there was a purpose in life and I was put here to find and achieve it. Sccccreach!!!!!!!!!!! then the brakes were put on!
It was the early part of 1992 and I met Kelly. She was a very attractive girl and a lot of guys were chasing after her. I decided that I wasn't going to make a fool of myself like the other guys. I guess this approach worked because she approached me. Things like this do wonders for the male ego. She made it pretty clear that she was interested in me. I felt that I was the envy of all my friends. Over a period of months we became very close. Everything seemed to fall in place perfectly and the next logical step seemed to be getting engaged. I should have known from the start what I was going to be in for. But being a stupid young man that knew it all I wasn't going to listen to other people's "stupid opinions", I asked her to marry me and that set the ball rolling. I should have seen the change in her right then. I became less important because this fish was on the hook and wasn't going to get away. It was just a matter of time before she reeled me in and threw me in the bucket.
Later that year we were married. At the time I thought that would be the happiest day of my life. As they say "if I only knew then what I know now". The fact that her mother hated my guts should have been enough to drive any sensible man away. Our wedding night was only a precursor to what was to come. We had to drive about 6 or 7 hours to our honeymoon destination. When we got there the only thing on my mind was the excitement of some over the top sex and she was thinking that she needed to rest after the long drive, and she didn't even drive. Needless to say her little nap turned into an all night snore-fest. This pretty much set the mood for the honeymoon and our entire marriage. The first year had it's up and downs. I was doing all that I could do to get us on our feet and moving in the right direction in life.
Shortly after our first year of marriage we found out she was pregnant. Seeing how we agreed that we would wait about 5 years before we had kids, I was completely unprepared for fatherhood. I took this just like any other event in my life and did what I had to do. Even though it was well before I expected I became a father. This was the pinnacle of our marriage and the point at which our relationship fell off the cliff. After the birth of my son I was completely ignored. I felt like some kind of candy dispenser. She got what she wanted out of me and I was of no use anymore. We became very distant from each other. The only time she showed me any attention was when she was complaining about something I needed to do or something I didn't do to her satisfaction. It was a miserable existence. This went on for about two years and she began to warm up again. I should have smelled a rat. She became pregnant again. as soon as she was pregnant I was pushed to the side once again.
At this point all I wanted was to be rid of this evil woman. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I loved my children more than I hated her. I went through the motions of being a husband so that I could enjoy being a father. I became more and more miserable as the months went on. There were no "I love you's" or special moments together anymore. I would go to bed and cry just wishing that she would show some interest in me. I just want to be loved. I wanted someone to make a fuss over me, make me feel special. I did these things for her but to no response. I got to a point where I just said the hell with it all. Even though all these years of being unsatisfied with our relationship I somehow had still been faithful. Even though I knew our marriage was completely nonexistent, I had respect for our vows.
In 2004 things finally got to the point where they couldn't be ignored anymore. I found odd numbers on my phone bill and she was the only one calling them. After about a month of investigating I found out that she had a boyfriend. This sorry ***** had put me through hell for twelve years and had enough nerve to cheat on me! All the times that I could have taken the easy way out and found someone else to take care of my needs and wants, I stayed faithful. I stayed faithful to my wife and kids. We separated that year.
It killed me being apart from my children. And now I had to watch as the guy that she was screwing around with got to spend more time with my children than I did. I live for my children. To have them taken from my life this was too much for me to deal with. I wanted to end it all right there. The only thing that kept me from doing it was that I would never see my kids again like that. This relationship brought me nothing but misery.
Over the next couple years I recovered and was lucky enough to find love again. We were recently married. The down side to this is that history is seemingly starting to repeat itself. I am lonely and feeling unwanted all over again. I don't know what to do, but I can't relive the torture of that all over again. I am unhappy in my marriage.