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I Just Want to Feel Loved and Wanted

  This story starts about 15 years ago. I was 21 and had my whole life ahead of me. I was in my second year of college and had every intention of graduating. I felt that one day I would achieve my goals and dreams. I thought that there was a purpose in life and I was put here to find and achieve it. Sccccreach!!!!!!!!!!! then the brakes were put on!

  It was the early part of 1992 and I met Kelly. She was a very attractive girl and a lot of guys were chasing after her. I decided that I wasn't going to make a fool of myself like the other guys. I guess this approach worked because she approached me. Things like this do wonders for the male ego. She made it pretty clear that she was interested in me. I felt that I was the envy of all my friends. Over a period of months we became very close. Everything seemed to fall in place perfectly and the next logical step seemed to be getting engaged. I should have known from the start what I was going to be in for. But being a stupid young man that knew it all I wasn't going to listen to other people's "stupid opinions", I asked her to marry me and that set the ball rolling. I should have seen the change in her right then. I became less important because this fish was on the hook and wasn't going to get away. It was just a matter of time before she reeled me in and threw me in the bucket.

  Later that year we were married. At the time I thought that would be the happiest day of my life. As they say "if I only knew then what I know now". The fact that her mother hated my guts should have been enough to drive any sensible man away. Our wedding night was only a precursor to what was to come. We had to drive about 6 or 7 hours to our honeymoon destination. When we got there the only thing on my mind was the excitement of some over the top sex and she was thinking that she needed to rest after the long drive, and she didn't even drive. Needless to say her little nap turned into an all night snore-fest. This pretty much set the mood for the honeymoon and our entire marriage. The first year had it's up and downs. I was doing all that I could do to get us on our feet and moving in the right direction in life.

Shortly after our first year of marriage we found out she was pregnant. Seeing how we agreed that we would wait about 5 years before we had kids, I was completely unprepared for fatherhood. I took this just like any other event in my life and did what I had to do. Even though it was well before I expected I became a father. This was the pinnacle of our marriage and the point at which our relationship fell off the cliff. After the birth of my son I was completely ignored. I felt like some kind of candy dispenser. She got what she wanted out of me and I was of no use anymore. We became very distant from each other. The only time she showed me any attention was when she was complaining about something I needed to do or something I didn't do to her satisfaction. It was a miserable existence. This went on for about two years and she began to warm up again. I should have smelled a rat. She became pregnant again. as soon as she was pregnant I was pushed to the side once again.

At this point all I wanted was to be rid of this evil woman. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I loved my children more than I hated her. I went through the motions of being a husband so that I could enjoy being a father. I became more and more miserable as the months went on. There were no "I love you's" or special moments together anymore. I would go to bed and cry just wishing that she would show some  interest in me. I just want to be loved. I wanted someone to make a fuss over me, make me feel special. I did these things for her but to no response. I got to a point where I just said the hell with it all. Even though all these years of being unsatisfied with our relationship I somehow had still been faithful. Even though I knew our marriage was completely nonexistent, I had respect for our vows.

  In 2004 things finally got to the point where they couldn't be ignored anymore. I found odd numbers on my phone bill and she was the only one calling them. After about a month of investigating I found out that she had a boyfriend. This sorry ***** had put me through hell for twelve years and had enough nerve to cheat on me! All the times that I could have taken the easy way out and found someone else to take care of my needs and wants, I stayed faithful. I stayed faithful to my wife and kids. We separated that year.

It killed me being apart from my children. And now I had to watch as the guy that she was screwing around with got to spend more time with my children than I did. I live for my children. To have them taken from my life this was too much for me to deal with. I wanted to end it all right there. The only thing that kept me from doing it was that I would never see my kids again like that. This relationship brought me nothing but misery.

  Over the next couple years I recovered and was lucky enough to find love again. We were recently married. The down side to this is that history is seemingly starting to repeat itself. I am lonely and feeling unwanted all over again. I don't know what to do, but I can't relive the torture of that all over again. I am unhappy in my marriage. 

 

LivinaLie LivinaLie 36-40, M 31 Responses Nov 7, 2007

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i m varun singh i m only 31 can u want to make friendship with me

That´s your version of the story....My ex-husband also walks around telling his version of our break up. He never told anyone that he wanted to force me to go to ***** clubs with him to try to pick up women to have orgies with us...he never tells anyone that he arranged a visit to a woman who he hoped would have a ********* with us and I almost passed out when I realized what the visit was all about...he never told anyone that he owed everything he owned...he never told anyone that he got the phone to call one of his female friends when we were making love in order for her to hear us...and I was just 23 years old when we got married, from Brazil, alone in the U.S with him, my husband...and no one to help me...In the end he kept our house and I thought I was being smart for signing a document stating that I wouldn´t be resposible for his debts...He told everyone that I left him for another man, that I was a lier and a deceiving person...everyone believed him and thought that I had gone to the U.S because I wanted a greencard---even though I obtained American Citizenship after more than 7 years in the U.S., I didn´t stay there and I went back home... I love the U.S., but i lived there because I fell in love with thim when I was only 21 years old; I dindn´t even know what I greecard was then. His mom came to me crying and saying that she didn´t know we had problems and still to this day---13 years after our divorce, I haven´t told her what he did to me, because I think it would kill her to hear all of the dirty things he wanted to involve me with...

You might not want to hear this but if this is a repeat in history, perhaps you should look at yourself. When we have expectations we will be disappointed. Better to just accept and appreciate what they do give you. Other advice is to read the book of five languages of love and get her to also read it and follow the instructions. It can do miracles for any marriage but both parties must be willing, good luck!

Dear, just saying out of my experience. I more like the ex wife u describe...how both of you kw in university....having lots of pursuer and neglected my husband after some time....but my husband and I still having a great marriage now....I used to have bad temper as I always got what I want...it can b related to your ex wife......I spoiled...hard to admit that. Then until I met my husband, he try to make me understand what is wrong n right....relationship need compromising and effort of both side.....of course he not perfect also.....but somehow both of us discuss and compromise....the key point is communicating...we still going strong after 6 years....just saying my husband never let me go and even I.......even when my husband gt cheated all of his saving and unemployed for a whole year..I still there with him.....even when my temper so bad...he still there for me n remind me......dear...marriage need communication and compromise...as we grow...we enter to different stages that need change and grow of mindset....I not sure if it can relate to your situation but I really hope all the best luck for u

I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well. sometimes in the midst of chaos, theres lessons to be learned and if we dont learn them, we're doomed to repeat them. I've made many mistakes inmy life, repeatedly. i'm unhappy where I am in my life, to, but I cna't put all the blame on my spouse. I let him do what he's doing. I failed to put my foot down and tell him what wasnt right. I'm not a control freak, dont get me wrong, but when you're being decietful and untrustworthy you have to nip in the bud right there.. if they feel they got away with something once, they could very well try again, if they didn't learn THEIR lessons. best of luck to you.

i hope you're ok dude, life isn't always what we expect it to be, everyday is a battle and a smile is perk. u dont have to stay in an unhappy marriage, if she is willing to work on it then fine but if not then part.

The repeat pattern is a bit strange. Have you tried going to counseling? Perhaps there is something you do that you do not realize you are doing that triggers certain responses from these women. No idea, just a possibility to explore.

It is no wonder that people aren't getting married as much anymore. I say I would never get married again. Why ruin a good friendship but I have been in love also and it feels so good and it is like drugs. feels so good you keep doing it until the effects wear off and then it is hell. I've been married 50 years but it has been hell at times. It is good now and most of our highschool friends are still married but people were raised different then. I still see Christian couples who do well. Having a belief in Jesus or a God helps. Don't know how to fix boredom tho. I think that is what most of it stems from.
A friend of mine got married. We used to go out to dances with them. Lovely lady.
He said she changed from the church to the reception. I believe him. Even My wife said she became a *****. amazing. they are divorced now. No good answers. I guess it is mostly luck since we can't predict the future.

Yes. If you read my story sauna girl you will see this was a crazy period in my life and I chose to stay with my wife for many reasons which will become apparent if you read it. However I still wonder if it could have worked. She (the other woman) told me she wanted me to stay with her and as unlikely as it seems I will always wonder. However my wife and I are happy. Maybe my wife thinks about her lover. I don't know or care or have a problem with it if she does. She is good to me and that's what counts. We all have people in our lives we care about. It is what we do about it that is important. Decisions are very difficult because predicting the future is only guess work.
Good luck. take care of you. You can only be responsible for your happiness, not everyone elses.

I'm lucky to have an understanding wife. I just wish she would let her inner **** come out and ply. I know she is in there but her upbringing keeps her suppressed. It used to be fun when we were young and horny and ger drunk and put on a ***** and get crazy. Dont wait to long. Age does take its toll on the libido. I wish I would have experimented more than I did. I'm one those who feel so many wonderfull people to get to know, so little time.

Oh my Gosh! I so feel for you! It's strange but when you said history starting to repeat itself it was mine all over again. My first marriage was a failure due to my ex being controlling and mentally abusive..now my second husband is abusive me in another way which seems far worse tham how my ex treated me. I love my husband and am giving all my love and attention to him but he is acting like your wife where I am the one craving attention and love from him.
I am feeling suicidal and want to pack up and leave. But it being my second marriage I am being pulled back by the fear of social stigma which will be put on me.
Good luck to you....

OMG.... my story all over again..... My 2nd husband is doing the same thing. I am so freaked to leave but going crazy by staying.
Good luck to all of us....

Sorry to hear that. It is sad

Thank you ray1961..... you have no idea how much a simple "sorry" or "I understand" etc. helps.

I can relate to this story.....I thought he was the one, he treated me like a queen, now he doesnt even want to make love to me. I´m ready to be single again

Dear LivinaLie, I'm sorry you have been so hurt, I am still living my nightmare-I don't think one ever fully gets over being betrayed (and trust me-I have been on numerous occasions)-perhaps it could help seeing a therapist/support group to work through some of the feelings of your past-because it sounds like it may be affecting your marriage and you have a real chance at being happy, with someone who truly loves you.

Sorry I think I misread-perhaps the two of you could consider couples councelling, also maybe past hurts are also creeping in fuelling the situation which is understandable. Sometimes getting a mediator works-becos when we fight, both parties are on the defence-as apposed to listening to eachother.

I am in a similar situation and feel as though I got married too quickly after the first one. I think that you get caught up in the newness of a relationship and forget that those crazy happy moments you have eventually fade and when the dust settles if there isn't something solid there, then it's not going to work. I think you should try talking to the new wife and expressing that you are feeling an old familiar feeling and see if there is a solid foundation on which to build.

I appreciate everyone sharing their stories, but I did not read anywhere where the two of you sat down and really articulated your needs and expectations, as well as things that you do value? Writing them down, and being able to listen to each other is a good place to start. Once you can agree on some weaknesses, address a plan to work on them, this is the kind of work that is going to take 100% of your effort, 99% wont do. That may sound overly optimistic, but what I am really talking about is EFFORT, you are not going to be perfect, and transformation will take time. But doing your best every day, is what really counts.

Yes the work and commitment. As I said a good Counselor.
Also one must love themself. I didn't and once I learned that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was lovable and people cared about me and loved me, and that other women than my wife who actually loved me or wanted to have sex with me I was a much better husband and accepted my wife's love.
Not a good way to find out if someone would love me but it did fix me to have an affair.

I'm not proud of my history but it is what it took to get me to where I am. We need to work through our issues and recognize them. Everyone needs to look real hard at themselves. Very hard to do. My wife had some issues also. Counseling helped a lot.

Hum, that is funny, for me as soon as a counselor enters the equation it is like the introduction of a piece of plaster on the hole of an old pipe, sooner or later another hole comes and another... I think, and from what I have seen in quite a few couples, it that counseling postpone the inevitable by fooling, blinding, or putting a bit of anesthetic on a serious wound. I hope for you that you are an exception / or that I am wrong.
Please do not take it badly, I could be wrong and I do not know you... But the only couple that seem, 15 years later, still holding after some counseling is made up of two people who are very simple minded. In my opinion, anybody with a good dose of character and sense has done a millions times more introspection than any counselor will be able to grab or enhance. Again, just my opinion, based on experience and what I have seen though, in others, and in my case. Not to mention that many counselors are often people who have trouble themselves in one way or another, that is another subject altogether but I have seen that far too often to accept that they can solve anybody else problem and make me call them charlatan.

I don't think that there is a perfect person , however I have come to realize that people do take each other for granted. I think if you are misserable and the other person loves you as they say they do that they would be willing to do anything to make the mariage work. I think we get stuck in the everyday and eventually we accept and just put up with whatever. I have been in this situwation of not feeling very loved by my husband and have verbally communitcated that somthing has to change. I am at the end of my rope and have decided that I can't be the only one in our mariage trying, it takes two. The mariage does not work if only one of you is working at it .If your spouse has a job that is not condusive to the mariage then at some point some reevaluwaiting needs to happen. Life is to short to be misserable and it sounds like everyone here has loved there husband or wife and "Stuck" in the mariage. I think if our spouses love us then they should step up to the plate and that we should start having some resonable expectaitons out of them and make them stick to it. I do love my husband very much but I need him to love me as much as I love him and show me that he does.

i feel like my husband dont love me or want me anymore. i wish he will stop saying he loves me and be honest so i can move on.

The problem is (been there) he does love you, he just isn't in love with you. And that means hormonally. Sexually. Nothing cures being 'in love with someone' like having sex a lot and living together and the excitement wears off. It can be the other way also where the closer, the more love making and intimacy it gets better. I fear mostly we get bored. Tough to choose cause the next one so often is the same after a few years. It took me 20 years for that to happen but we got through it. I have to say tho, the thrill is mostly gone and for her to, I can tell. We admit now it is what it is and we like each other and still have good sex but it isn't crazy lustful sex. It is more 'married sex'. An itch to be scratched and we are very happy to accomodate each other and it is making love so it's good.

Plz dont have more children.

You know those sayings: "He/She completes me"; He/She makes me whole"; "He/She is my soul mate". What a load of crap! I truly believe that unhealthy people attract unhealthy people. First get healthy and then you can see more clearly. As Jesus said "first take the 2by4 out of your own eye before looking at the speck in another"(my translation). Read/Listen to Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" and get healthy!!

ive read your story and since its been a while since its posting, i hope this finds you in a better state.

for the good part of the last 7 years i have found myself feeling like many of you. wondering how the time past and still stuck feeling lonley.

im a married man 37 and 2 young kids. i find myself lonlier each year. i hope to make things better but ....the battle keeps winning.

i am grateful for finding you all here....its comforting to know im not alone. i just wish we all met under different circumstances

I am living this HELL myself. This is my same story except my in-laws love me and I love them. As far as I know my wife has not cheated yet! I have been with the same women 19.5 years and do not feel loved at all. I love this women ,but WE suffer from her depression and allergies. I try not to leave a task she desires undone and strive to let her know I love her daily. When I tell her how something she says hurts me, she turns it into how much of a butt hole I am. I also love my kids and many times have thought and even told her if not for the kids I would be gone. She then tells me how "stupid" I am for staying for them. I hate being away from them!!! I don't like getting a sitter for date night, but I try a few times a year because I think she needs it. It has been this way for so long I am not sure what "feeling loved" would feel like. I had a small glimpse when I went away for some military training. We had no communication for a couple of months. She was all tears and told me how much she missed me. She has forgotten what that felt like. I have not. I meet these old couples and hear them say they have had so many wonderful years with there spouse. I want to be able to say that! Sometimes I wish she would just leave. I am not strong enough to do so. I hope you do find love again brother. I just wish the one I love so dearly would love me back....

Sorry to here about the problems with your first marriage. Do you think you might have remarried too soon before taking some time to strengthen yourself emotionally and to evaluate whether there were some areas you could improve about yourself before moving into another relationship? Right now I am in a rocky relationship and have been taking some time to reflect on who I am as a person. I was so desperate to be a people pleaser that I lost myself trying to make my spouse happy. I can't speak for all relationships but sometimes I think unhappy people go into relationships expecting others to make them happy only to be disappointed. I hope you talk Openly and honestly with your wife and you both want this marriage to work you will work together to find a way that it will be enjoyable for you both.

Sorry to hear about your story and I am no expert but maybe you are looking for love in all the wrong places. I mean you sound like a great guy with so much love to offer to that one lucky girl but we girls are sometimes or most of the times are stupid and don't appreciate that so If something does not make you happy then you leave it and I know your kids matter but they matter when it comes it to your misery too! and I am sure they would not to see you unhappy and would rather see you separated and happy. But I still think perhaps to put on a break and take the relationship/ love thing real slow instead of jumping into marriage and also in the mean time do other things, friends, travel and all that just to see what you are REALLY searching for because you never know what you might learn about your need and even maybe take a break from relationships and have time to yourself . All the best.

Dear I Just Want to Feel Loved and Wanted,

Your story really touched me because I too feel your pain. My husband and I have been together over 12 years, married 8 1/2 and have two beautiful children. For most of these past 12 years, I feel all alone, unloved and not appreciated. Most of our arguments stem from the way I feel in our marriage. Sometimes, I want to get in my car and just drive far, far away and start new, but my kids keep me grounded and trying to make our marriage work. I really hope things are improving for you.

I want to recommend this book to each person who experiencing the pain from lack of love and attention from their significant others. I currently temporarily had the experience of feeling someone love and fuzz over me. He learned to love by reading this book : the 5 love languages. Not sure of author. I recommend to read it as a couple. Good luck. And I hope and pray you experience what i temporarily experienced. Google the title and you can get additional off the website.

Thank you! I have pretty much given up on love in my 30 year marriage but looked up this book on line - it looks like it may help me explain what I've been trying to get across to my husband for years! I hope it helps us. And I hope your temporary experience comes around more often and longer for you.

Totally feel your pain! My husband and I have known each other for going on 11 years and been married going on 2. I've never felt more miserable then now - he rarely has a job near home and I've been raising his daughter since we've been together (she's 12 now). I work a job that requires numerous hours and the daughter is getting old enough we're running in every direction! He's never home and he rarely calls or follows through on anything he says he's going to. We still say I love you's and he's loving when he is home but he doesn't really give that much attention and there just isn't the flame there used to be. I'm so lonely and miserable I just don't know what to do! I gave up everything for him - came home every weekend from college and I drop everything and run when he needs me but I don't feel he reciprocates! I'm so frustrated and I just need someone to be there for me and show some affection. I've told him repeatedly about my feelings and he just thinks its going to smooth over for another day - grrr!

Hello,

Your story is all to familiar to me. Except throw in military and not so many years, at least not yet. I too just want to be loved, cared for, and "fussed over" as you put. The only good part of this marriage is when he has to go away for training or for a school, that's when I focus on myself. Sadly, the only time I ever feel beautiful is when I get all dolled up and go out for an evening, by myself, I have never and will never cheat on my husband mind you, but I do go out dressed all sexy or sweet just so I can get complimented and hit on. We have only been married 2 years.

I feel your pain m'dear.

wow that is very sad. Most people aren't good and thats just my firm belief because I've been watching the world for a little while now. Love is almost non existent but it is real. I love my child more then anything and my husband as well. Although I will say having a baby put him on the back burner and I tend to ignore him. One of my goals this year is to spend more fun time with him and make him feel like the great guy he is. We both have talked about what we need from each other and nothing is perfect. I do feel like cheating is crossing a line in which there is no coming back from. Some people can make it work after a betray like that but I know I couldn't because the trust would be forever gone.

It seems like people do repeat the same mistakes over and over again. God only knows what that means. I doubt that your just unlucky enough to find another woman that is putting you back into the same or similar situation as your first marriage. For some reason your choosing women that make you feel less than. I don't know enough about you to figure it out but do you have any major issues with your mother?

I feel your pain. I am being totally ignored by my husband of 24 years. He has replaced me with our daughter, We argue about parenting and discipline, He has destroyed my daughter to the point she hates me. I love that child now 16. Is verbally abusive and has hit me once, I had the cops taker away and I was blamed for doing this by the hubby, He is a coward and I have be come invisible. We have not been intimate for 5 years. I tossed him out of my bed in May he can come back when he acts like a husband. He has created a triangulated relationship. I want to leave him, I how ever will not leave my daughter who has been damaged by is cowardly ways of a buddy relationship not a parent. She hates me...... I cry my self to sleep every night. The pain is deep. They say if the marital problems are not resolved in a marriage and you remarry they will surface again.

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry to hear about what your going through. Hang in there, and don't give up on yourself..and love. I firmly believe there are good people out there :) My prayers are with you.

I see my future in your story......he always says that I am a bad mother in front of my 4 yr old son,even though he doesn't do a thing for my son except earning money.

You know, when I joined this group I thought all women. Your story is the first I read. I wish I had advice to give. Sadly, i don't. i am so sorry for the way things have been and are for you now. It is hard to learn from our mistakes sometimes. I wish you all the best luck and I really hope you find the happiness I truely believ you deserve.

As much as I was entertained by your story - I felt a very sad pain in my heart!!! I am so so so very sorry for everything you had to go thru!!! I wish that people as pure hearted as you could be spared of all the hatred and hurt of this world!!! My heart goes out to you!!! Why do you feel you are going down the same path in your current marriage??

hi there. I'm sorry you had to go through that. when you said there were no more i love yous or special moments and you wanted someone to make a fuss over you and make you feel special- that's exactly how i feel. i try to show my husband everyday how much i love him but most of the time i get pushed away. on our first anniversary he wouldn't make love to me. instead he made me cry. i feel invisible. i've tried talking and everything else but i don't feel like it will ever change. i haven't gotten to the point of leaving him yet and don't know if i will. i don't think it's worth it to waste your whole life being unhappy but i don't want to give up just yet.