I Am Unitarian Universalist
Hi all, I haven't shared my story before now but I have some thoughts I'd like to share. Some background on me: I'm in my early mid 20's, am LGBT, and I became a UU in high school after leaving the Catholic church & coming out all more or less at the same time -bi first, started exploring UU while still being Cathloc & doing their RE/starting the confirmation process, Transsexual (male to female), made the leave permanent & joined my local UU congregation- when I was 16. Shortly after converting & finding my niche I, being very impressed with both the religion & our minister's preaching, found my call to seminary reawakened after it faded a few years prior to converting from Catholicism. I made that my life's mission & did all I could to get into seminary, which I did 2 years ago. The other key thing is that I have suffered from several mood disorders since high school, which were mostly under control through college & into my first year of seminary. At one point I recovered some rather horrible memories after a panic attack, which was the start of a decline in my mental health. I was at GA last summer & was doing well. Fall hit & things declined again, which escaped my notice in the rush of being able to start my medical transition to female the previous spring. Long story short I found myself in a bad situation which ended with a suicide attempt & a week in the psych ward. In the months of therapy afterwards I decided to leave seminary, realizing that it was in some ways a crutch a means to prop up my minimal self respect & push aside doubts about how others truly felt about me -basically it was a shield, everyone would respect & no one would harm a minister and all my problems would be solved by that strength that ministers have, I thought seminary trained that into you-. At this point I'm still working on the various bits of mental & emotional fallout from that whole mess/experience. But today we said goodbye to our assistant minister who entered seminary as I joined the congregation in high school & was a good friend over the years, the thing was she was a big support after I came home & went through the therapy process & all the came after. It got me thinking & reflecting on my loss of identity as future minister & seminarian. This is what I came up with & would like your thoughts on:
I've been missing the trees for the forest. I let go of Ministry & seminary in therapy, I'm not leaving ministry so much as taking a break so I can start anew in another kind of ministry. What I haven't let go of is the status it brought, I liked having that respect & admiration. In my mind it became core to my place in the UU community, I was a seminarian bound for ministry, it was a big part of my definition of where I fit in & a big reason why I fit in according to my thoughts. What I failed to realize is that it was a starting point the way I pursed it showed part of my spirit & my potential to the UU congregations beyond Fox Valley. But what actually earned me respect & friendship and truly defined my place in Unitarian Universalism was my actions & spirit that continued regardless of what I was doing. My actions & choices from the very beginning where what defined my place and that can't be taken from me. I have been grieving what I thought was my place but really was just a minor part of the self definition that helped me make my place, because I never had to do anything to earn that place beyond things that I would have done anyways because I'm that type of person. The pursuit of ministry helped me grow up a bit, but it's time is done. I did lose being on that level for a time, but only because I was so broken that levels meant nothing, but in my own way I am back on that level because I have healed enough to be back in the world carving & crafting my place with experiences that fire in my eyes & steel in my soul that let's me meet the gaze of any minister as an equal maybe not as a direct peer but through pain & healing has put me back on that level, I have the depth and wisdom that ministers my age get through training & study. Though my place is different, that my life is something that is no longer comparable to theirs, I still stand as an equal to my seminary friends & fellow UU's. I didn't truly go anywhere, I just changed losing some things to the fire and gaining others in the refining process, I didn't lose my place I just couldn't fully see how it changed through the haze of still healing pain. I haven't lost my place or what I have earned through my actions, things just opened up a bit so I can do more & be more than one role. Even emerging from a cocoon is painful, but the pain is small once the joyous flight is achieved.
I've been missing the trees for the forest. I let go of Ministry & seminary in therapy, I'm not leaving ministry so much as taking a break so I can start anew in another kind of ministry. What I haven't let go of is the status it brought, I liked having that respect & admiration. In my mind it became core to my place in the UU community, I was a seminarian bound for ministry, it was a big part of my definition of where I fit in & a big reason why I fit in according to my thoughts. What I failed to realize is that it was a starting point the way I pursed it showed part of my spirit & my potential to the UU congregations beyond Fox Valley. But what actually earned me respect & friendship and truly defined my place in Unitarian Universalism was my actions & spirit that continued regardless of what I was doing. My actions & choices from the very beginning where what defined my place and that can't be taken from me. I have been grieving what I thought was my place but really was just a minor part of the self definition that helped me make my place, because I never had to do anything to earn that place beyond things that I would have done anyways because I'm that type of person. The pursuit of ministry helped me grow up a bit, but it's time is done. I did lose being on that level for a time, but only because I was so broken that levels meant nothing, but in my own way I am back on that level because I have healed enough to be back in the world carving & crafting my place with experiences that fire in my eyes & steel in my soul that let's me meet the gaze of any minister as an equal maybe not as a direct peer but through pain & healing has put me back on that level, I have the depth and wisdom that ministers my age get through training & study. Though my place is different, that my life is something that is no longer comparable to theirs, I still stand as an equal to my seminary friends & fellow UU's. I didn't truly go anywhere, I just changed losing some things to the fire and gaining others in the refining process, I didn't lose my place I just couldn't fully see how it changed through the haze of still healing pain. I haven't lost my place or what I have earned through my actions, things just opened up a bit so I can do more & be more than one role. Even emerging from a cocoon is painful, but the pain is small once the joyous flight is achieved.
By:
Windfox
Age:
22-25
,
Female
