Unable to Forgive

I have decided my presence here on Experience Project will be to displace here my most frustrated and destructive thoughts, so that I can continue my blogs elsewhere without alienating my friends. Maybe I will make friends with some of you here, too, but it will have to be in spite of the negative vibes I project.

My big problem right now is the concept of forgiveness. I discovered a long time ago that forgiveness is something you have to learn. Forgiveness can only be applied unilaterally and unconditionally. It is, as I am fond of pointing out, the transcendent principle of the message of Jesus, the single most important lesson that humans still fail two millenia later.

I have had trouble with women all my life. First they love me so much they want to be with me for the rest of their lives, the next they want to erase me from the planet. One woman in particular has really gone out of her way to really treat me unfairly and really get the best of me. She is the mother of my beautiful daughter, now 16.

Her frustrations go back to other men,a stepdad in particular, to whom I bear no resemblance. In fact, it is my kindness, patience, good will, gentle spirit and general availability that has made me such an easy target for her spite. She blames me for everything, tells lies about me, plots to destroy me, years after we have gone our separate ways.

More about that later.

I used to know how to forgive. I never wanted to know what it would be like to have a real enemy to forgive, but that is what I have. But I can't find it anymore. the depth of my bitterness is consuming me. In between thoughts of taking revenge, I contemplate murder and suicide. Revenge, murder, suicide. These are terrible answers, not solutions at all. I pray to Jesus for peace and deliverance. I want to understand how I can forgive her. 

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2 Responses Mar 1, 2009

Forgiveness in the first step on the road of healing.

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Would you take a look at my blogs to feel what saints have said and thought about that matter?<br />
Best wishes<br />
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