I Must Be A Monster

Nobody has ever loved me. Not really. My father was an alcoholic. He loved drugs and booze more than me. He'd tell me that he loved me but then he'd disappear. And even when he got sober he never said he loved me. He got a new family. He left me behind.

My mother tried to love me but she couldn't. She told me that she tried to love me but that it was my fault. That no matter how much she tried it was never enough. That there was something wrong with me. Something broken.

I've had two relationships. One lasted 7 years and then he called me up and told me that he couldn't do it anymore. "You're just not the type of girl someone like me marries."

Recently I met someone who said that I was perfect. That he loved and adored me. Then he dumped me via a fcebook status update. No fight. No argument. Nothing had changed.

Except maybe he'd finally seen the real me. I wonder if I walk around with the mask of a normal person but then it slips and people see what I really am and that's why they leave.

I almost hope that's the answer. If I'm the problem then at least I know that I deserve this. At least then it would be fair.

At what point do you just give up?

 

Faction Faction
26-30, F
5 Responses Jul 20, 2010

At what point do you give up? Never! You shouldn't let others define your destiny, you are who you are. And if people can't accept it, then that's their problem. There are always people who are going to hurt you, dislike you but you have to look at the bright side, that there's someone who loves you, who cares for you. If you don't think so, then think of me, I care for you. Even though I don't know you, don't know the pain you've gone through, I want to make the world feel better by spreading love. I've been bullied before and I really wanted to give up, but when life pushed me down, I chose to stand up and try again. I'm not going to let the bitterness of life get to a person like me. I can use my story to ignite a light in other people. So I don't know where you are now, because it's 2014, but I hope you are doing well, and know that I care!

I am a monster too. I am a wolf who resembles the sheep. But I am different. I look in on their world; understanding it, observing it yet still not apart of it. I can never join it because I am broken. I am missing something important that renders me numb, unable to truly feel it.

I am a master of hiding. You will never understand what I really I am until it is too late. At that time, I will be your best friend in the world, or your perfect lover. For me, it is all an act however, a charade, a cheap plastic copy. I understand your generosity and concern and I thank you for being so trusting and helping me use your kind-natured, trusting attitude as the means to exploit you so that I make sure my needs are met, regardless of anyone else.

I do not mean to harm you. I have no ill will or malice toward you, but as the snake who was nursed back to health by the rodent says : "despite your generosity, of course I bit you because I am a snake, and that is what snakes do."

So though I may ruin your life, it is not a fault of your own for simply being human. I am a monster, I am a psychopath. I did not choose this. It is the world that made this way however. Perhaps I am simply the unlucky one who must be the amalgamation of the small amount evil in everyone. I understand I am evil, something that should not be.

If I hurt you, please do not look upon me purely with hate ( I understand emotions are difficult for you to control, I simply flick a switch to remove or fake what limited "feelings" I have ) for I cannot feel love, true joy, sorrow or friendship. I live in a world where I simply exist. In pain or not is my only two states. Imagine losing your sense of eyesight or hearing; that is how impossible it is for me to "feel" emotions (describe the colour blue to a person who has been completely blind their entire life). My life is one of never ending boredom.

I did not choose this. I know at one time I was a nice person. Always trying to do the "right" thing. Respecting women. Being generous and kind. Instead of being treated in kind, I was degraded, emotionally abused, made fun of, bullied, taken advantage of, tricked and teased by everyone around me; peers and adults in public and at home. It made me hate myself. If everyone hated and saw me as worthless, it must have been true. I couldn't take it, I tried to pretend, to lie to myself that I was a good person and I could be liked. But one day the lies no longer cut it; the world won. I was a worthless, useless, unlovable, pathetic waste of space. I couldn't take it that I did everything right and still was rejected by society. So I turned it all off. Now I feel nothing. No remorse, shame, no love, no loyalty. I only do things if they benefit me. I destroy everyone who cares, trusts or tries to help me, not necessarily on purpose; it just happens eventually.

So sure hate me and my kind for the pain we've caused you. I agree I do not deserve to live. I am am abomination who can't help being a hunter of men. Don't forget however that it is your system, your people who pushed me into surviving by any means necessary, even though it meant trading in my humanity and soul.

I find it all too interesting that i am actually reading this, yesterday my girlfriend dumped me and now today she’s pissed because she feels i am trying to embarrass her on facebook. Nevertheless the actually break up went well, because i was the one that had to do the dirty work and she was the one that wanted it in the first place. It has never failed to amaze me, how easy it is for people to disregard me and then be upset with me about it. I guess it is because i am easy to pick on. Like you Faction i dated someone for 7 years, but what happen to you was what i did to her. I ended, i ended it because i was a coward and because i was scared and like a coward i did it to maximize the damage to her. Not a day goes by that i dont think about it and i feel i am being punished for these actions, which is a funny notion because i am not religious and i dont feel that god punishes people. I just feel from here on out that i am doomed to have terrible relationships. The ones where i just happen to bring out the worst in people, I just dont get it. But i dont feel that it would be worth ending it all.<br />
I am always reminded that a small fraction never will fit in with the status quo and that we feel apart from it. It is our responsibility to seek out each other and have a so to say family of our own. Its not that your unlovable, its that most people are not capable of true love, its not taught in our society. They just have a since of it, we get dumbed on because we choose mates poorly because we have such a need for love and the need to love that most people just push our types away. I cant wait for the day someone wishes to return the love i have to give. Its just frustrating when you have some much of it to give and no one to give it to. Keep your head up and i will try from my end. <br />
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Dont worry about school either, i thought very hard about getting my mba, but then punched the dept numbers and 18 months for 55 grand plus not being able to work and having to borrow more to live. I was going to end up having to pay 1500 a month to pay it back in the allotted 10 year loan agreement, after taxes and these pmts, i was lucky enough to bring in 20 grand n ot worth it considering the economy is falling apart. But dont let that discourage you, i merely stating this to make you feel better in the event that it does not work out for you. There are plenty of ways go gather self-fulfillment than having to get an education. <br />
Just keep your head up, i am sure you’re a beautiful person and you have something even more beautiful to give to someone. We all got to do a better job of trusting our feelings and letting them guide us. There is nothing wrong with you, i know thats hard for your head to get around, but truly there is nothing wrong with you. I understand how you feel, i am uber aggravated as well and i feel the same way about myself sometimes. But i know deep down, even past my flaws i am a person of substance, character, emotions and value. Whether anyone else cares to see this in me or not, i know these things to be true and i guarantee if you search inside yourself you will find it too. I have been working on this understanding for the past 5 years, just to let you know its not an easy road but it does get better. Life is a perception and how you decide to perceive it makes a huge difference. Bad things happen to everyone every day and to understand this will make you feel better. Love yourself then someone will love you, at least your not a coward and not willing to try. Your story today has made me feel better and having to opportunity to write back even more so. So thank you and I will keep love in my heart for you, even though I will never know you.

Just wanted to say that I am still unlovable. More failed relationships in my wake. I meet and fall for people but they never feel anything for me. <br />
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For a while I was doing pretty good ignoring it. I decided I wanted to help other people. That since I was never going to marry or have children that I should devote my time to doing good for other people. I took the LSAT and scored a 173. I'm waiting to hear from the schools I applied to. I'm just worried that I'll be rejected again. <br />
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But even if I get accepted I'm still sad because while being a lawyer is something I want, and something that I think will allow me to help people, it still isn't the life I'd choose. If I had my way I'd be married with three kids and volunteering at the school. It's sad because I was reading on the law school forums a from a woman who got a very low LSAT score and GPA but wanted to go to law school more than anything else, but was having trouble because of her bad grades. Her husband was telling her not to do it and to just focus on being a housewife. I'd trade my score with hers in a second if I could have a husband and kids. I just want a family so much. I want to love people and be loved for once in my life.

5 % of the human population is the unlovable....I am one of those....I guess you come to a point where you accept it. I have a 15 year old daughter who I feel loves me cause she has too, but I know she loves being with her dad, who never loved me. As long as she has her dad I guess my happiness is really not important. I'm lonely and wish I had someone who loved me....I've been alone for over 10 years. I have a "boyfriend" but after 7 years he still has never said he is in love with me. It's ok, I've known I was unlovable way before I met him....I just wished he maybe would "fall in love" the way television makes it seem. Bottom line, its ok to be who we are....it hurts, we long, we desire and pray for it,, but its not going to happen...we are the unlovable

5 % of the human population is the unlovable. Not being argumentative, but where did you get that figure? Has there actually been a study? That just seems like an awfully large number.