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What Do I Do?

It's getting exhausting trying to find the desire to live.Even when I'm hearing,seeing what's supposed to make it worth it.
My older sister lost her best friend recently.She's still so shocked over it,she knew her for nearly two decades and I can see the impact that had on her.I can see her pain.I even went to the funeral and saw the impact her death had on her family.While my sister's standing there reminiscing through memories of this person and even when she's going on about how she loves her family,how she's so lucky to have us,to have me..I'm thinking about death.I felt happy last night for a brief time,then I crashed and ended up curled in my bed crying.
I feel so desperate and so impatient where life is concerned.Why bother?Rationally,I'm aware that my desire to die so soon after my family experienced a death is especially selfish,I'm aware it would add stress to a family that's already barely scratching it's way from under the rock it belongs under.My mind screams at me that I would just cause pain if I left but I don't believe it.Or maybe I do believe it but I keep thinking they'll eventually get over it.I feel cliché.I am a cliché,a cardboard cutout,just like everyone else.One more reason I don't need to torment myself with existing any longer.
I'm coming apart and I don't want to be put back together,I'm tired and disinterested with every aspect of life.I don't know what to do.I don't know what to do.
 

MoonBeamsMadeOfJellyBeans MoonBeamsMadeOfJellyBeans 18-21 Nov 15, 2009

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