How Unusual Am I Really?

I 'm in a relationship of NY own making. We had a beautiful friendship. we went through re-hab together, shared personnel tragedies , She was my rock . I was her wall , together we had a beautiful friendship together. Then in a moment of weakness we crossed into the twilight zone. Now we can't get back to the other side , we like each other but we know we made a mistake. I'm in my 60's she is a little younger than I guess about late forties or early fifties. Sex isn't good if you or not in love,  it's just that four letter word starting with f---ing. You might as well go out and visit  prostitute. I'm too old for that kind of behavior. I respect her enough not to do something like that , Am I strange. or am I a nut case. I can't leave and I can't stay. I want to feel the warmth of a women next to me , to caress her tender shoulders, whisper sweet music into her ears, take away all her fears. and a host of other things too numerous to say here. I guess I will have to suffer the consequences of my past actions. How do a man get from under this rock and a hard place without destroying the whole foundation. I guess that is what makes me UNUSUAL in a sense. I still see myself as Sir Lancelot of King Aurthur's Court. Riding in on my white steed ( well in my case , A black steed ) and rescuing the fair maiden. Well I've ranted enough, every one, sleep tight and please don't let the bed bugs bite.