Where To Begin..

I am 21 years old, and I have not done a thing with my life.

I have worked, but I have never applied myself at work. I feel I am inadequate even for the most simple of tasks, as no matter how I've tried in the past I have received nothing but criticism from employers and co-workers. I did well in high school, but, let's be honest; who isn't capable of that? I didn't try at all, I did everything last minute... the only way to fail in high school is to not show up.

Now I go to school in Colorado where I barely apply myself and am working towards a psychology degree, for which I have no future plans. I don't bother trying to find a job in my summers because I will just get fired or become discouraged and quit as I have with any other job. I fear the inevitable fact that once I am forced to be independent, I will fail as an individual and likely wind up homeless.

In addition to this, I can't even bring myself to put effort into relationships. I have no friends, I'm distant from my family and only speak to them if I need something or if I'm spoken to. I have a girlfriend now but she's on the verge of leaving, because as in all my relationships, I get involved to prove to myself that I can and then put in no effort and wait until she gets fed up and leaves. I guess in a way I do it to show myself I was good enough for someone at some point in time.

I can't see a reason to pursue the life that everyone else lives. I find existence to be sad when it's always the same routine... wake up in the morning, go to a job you don't like to make money that you need for your basic necessities... get home too tired to enjoy any of the luxuries you may or may not have built for yourself and go to sleep just to wake up and do it all over again. How does anyone stay sane doing this?

I don't know what I hope to accomplish by sharing this, but maybe something will come of it.
theboaguy theboaguy
1 Response Jul 31, 2010

stop worrying about what everyone else is saying or doing and look into yourself and what you believe should be said or done. if thats not the life you want that doesn't mean you cannot create your own completely different way of living, don't let the fact that you have seen noone else around you do something different get in your way thats the whole meaning of the word 'create' it means to make your own. who cares if you stuff up after trying something you wanted to try its your life you won't be here for all that long and in the big scheme of things - you make your mistakes, you live your life however you wanted to live it, you die - and the earth keeps spinning. : D at the end of the day your the only one who can set yourself free and find your sense of happiness.