Circumstances: Part 2

When you IM'ed me that night, I angrily told you what you did was not okay. I didn't tell you at brunch because I didn't want to cry. You said you knew. I told you that you had better not pull this **** with anyone else, because they would take it a lot worse than I had. Your response was, "Oh I know. That's why I did it to you. You're too nice to retaliate, so I chose you to do this to on purpose."
That one sentence cut me deeper than anything. Never had anyone EVER tried to take advantage of me in that way. I tried to explain to you how hurt I was that you did this to me because we were so close. You responded, "I know. I don't want to talk about this anymore, you're making me feel bad." And signed off.

The next day, you IM'ed me normally again, telling me that my friend was visiting you and asked me for advice. I sharply answered no more than what you asked. You didn't notice. Later that night, you told me she didn't come, and asked me what was wrong because I was "acting weird lately". I proceeded to tell you about how school was not going as well as expected, and how all my friendships were unraveling before me. You called me and my problems immature and told me to shut up. This is where I lost it.

I proceeded to tell you in great detail how I felt. You were my best friend and you used me for 6 months to get close to a girl who you know is too shallow to give you a chance. I've been wanting to cry since you told me the truth, but haven't because I decided that you're not worth it. You disgust me. I should have slapped you and dumped my hot drink on your lap, and left like a normal girl would have. But no, I had class. And I had empathy. And you used that trait of mine against me, to play your little game. Yes, I never liked you, which is why I wasn't bawling my eyes out. But I considered you family, like you said you considered me. Family doesn't use family for their own selfish pursuits. I went on for almost 3 hours. You seemed like you cared. You apologized sincerely and told me you didn't want to lose me as a friend. I accepted with the condition that if you ever screw with me again in the slightest way, you're going to have hell to pay.

Days later, we played a stupid confessions game. You told me that you lied when you said you didn't like me at all; you did. You panicked and acted like a jackass (your words). In fact, I was the closest to your definition of the perfect girl. However, there was something that my friend had that I didn't. But you would never ever do anything else to lose me. I didn't know what to say. So we played a different game.

You continued to flirt with me. I didn't reciprocate. You told me your secrets and deepest thoughts. I told you some of mine. Our friendship was finally getting back to normal. But then summer came. You started hanging out with my friend more often. That's cool, I thought, whatever. But then you decided to kick me out of your life. Replace her with me. I tried reaching out to you, you shut me out. She told you some of her issues. You replied with compassion. I told you about some of the same issues. You called me stupid.

4 months had passed. Though I wanted to, I never cried over you once because you weren't worth it. You acted despicably, and I would never let you have that power over me. Then one day, I broke. I cried for 3 days. I cried because I had no friends left at school. I cried because my family wasn't present to help. I cried because I thought one of the most stable things I had was you, and you failed me beyond belief. I never expected you to use me, make fun of me, then kick me out of your life. But you did. So now, I'd show you. I'd show everyone. You can't use me for my empathy if there's no empathy there. You can't ridicule my feelings if I never tell you what they are. You can't blackmail me if you have nothing on me. If I only show my surface, nobody can ever hurt me so deeply again.

I always tell everyone to never surrender to their circumstances, and here I am, doing just that. I'm the biggest hypocrite ever. I don't want to be this way, but I can't change it. You have reduced me to a shell of my former self, and it disgusts me. I hate you more than ever now, even though I know I'm the only one to blame. What you did to me made me a shallow, noncaring *****. But I would never tell you that, because I don't want you to think you have that sort of power over me.
ghayebgirl ghayebgirl
Jan 6, 2013