May I Ramble ?

I really don't know where to start .i guess ....first of all .. I am a philosopher .. I am a crazy person as well... I do art sometimes .. and write poems sometimes... sometimes .. i think about cutting myself .. I am 24 years old and have been diagnosed with Schitzo effective disorder ..I come from a broken home like most people my age.. I used to think most homes were filled with violence ... and put downs like mine as well .. i used to think a lot of things .. i used to think i knew what was real.. .

i didn't turn out like my siblings .. they ...they .. are "successful" .. (they are better at hiding their issues)... basically.. heh.. i have a dark sense of humor .. a light one too .. i'm conflicted .. do i not want to get better?...sometimes i feel like i think so many things ... at once it seems .. that i'm not thinking anything at all ... i feel like i have all the answers but they are at the tip of my brain.. that makes me feel like i am not smart .. like my mother likes to imply.. scoffing at me when i say i'm smart too... does she not get ... ? could she really not get that she hurts people?..sometimes i think to myself that maybe hidden inside me .. behind what i'd like to think is a good person who's learned from suffering is really an evil person.... (see .. i firmly believe in evil ..going crazy showed me that..)..then i think .. no that's just what i've been taught to believe .. that i am bad .. when it's really not true .. I just remind my mother of my father and my father of my mother ..and they have taken it out on me... . 

I also believe i chose them to be my parents .so what can i really do or say .. ?..i also  know that the way that i am writing isn't proper  but i continue to do so.

i used to live with my little sister .. then i went crazy ..and it put a toll on our relationship.. people act like you've done something wrong when you hallucinate ...or have parinoid dillusions..especially when it happens while you are sober... ( i tried .. not to have them .. i tried .. i didn't mean to ).. people shouldn't have to feel guilty for being mentally ill....it's hard enough being the mentally ill one.. dealing with the psychological issue of reversing the newly gained trust in oneself.... if you know what i mean... if your thought tells you to poke someone's eye out .. you should fight that thought .. not listen to it.. 

my sister was ashamed of me...she didn't invite me to her graduation  while .. my mom still hasn't really apologized for not going to mine.. im hurt by these things .. that have not been apologized for .. yet i'm supposed to always .. just get over it .. be the bigger one and be glad they want to know me again.. now .. that i am on meds .. the right ones ... i could continue .. but i'm tired of this for now.. 

 

audul audul
22-25, F
1 Response Mar 12, 2010

i've been clear with them before .. and have more often now in a positive .way .. they just don't want to take responsibility for their actions .. .. my dad blames everything on my mom .. and my mom is in denial .. i know they are people .. ok ... captain obvious ..