When I Am Tired Like Now...........

~ When the night terrors won't let go. When the fear takes over & I get so tired of all the responsiblity. When all I want to do is say screw it & leave everything & everyone behind. When I dream for something magical to come along & fix it all............. That's when the anger inside bubbles up & can overpower me. These are the days when I am so disappointed in the way I behave, in my lack of stability, inability to cope with the simpliest things. When I know that I have more than myself to take care of. When I know that my momma can not survive without me (she has said so on numerous occasions which is why I still live with her really). I get so angry at myself for wishing that I could leave. For wanting a life of my own, on my own...... Because I shouldn't be feeling that way at all. She has given up so much for me over the years & all she has ever asked for was this. How can I resent her or this life? I shouldn't, & so the anger builds everytime I do. I begin yelling at myself inside my head, tearing down what I have tried so hard to erect. A better, more myself me....... I again become a hollow human with nothing to offer but platitudes & empty actions........ My life is a lie & I am a fake..... Oh how I hate myself on those days...... : ( ~

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Apr 19, 2009