Chaos Masquerading As Confusion.

People, they are always saying, Yolo, you only live once. They are wrong, everyday you awake from sleep, is another chance to live again. Yodo should be the saying, for as many chances you get to live, you only recieve one chance to die. Thats all we live for isnt it, we all worship some diety to earn a place in a realm after death. We all work ourselves to death, so our children may live themselves to death. Well I, a 18 year old male, as of today, I am confusing myself to death. For years Ive been waiting for it. I stand on the tip of an emotional pyramid. One face of the pyramid littered with chaos and confusion, insanity. One side smooth, flawless as compassion. The last side, is sharp and jagged, filled with hatred. All im doing is waiting for someone to push me off of the tip. Waiting for love, lust, questions, compulsion, hatred. I dont want to be filled with hate, noone does, hate, a word so strong, when you learn the meaning of it, it consumes you. All that makes you forget of hate, is compassion. When compassion is gone, insanity is all that holds back the uncontrollable feeling of hate. As hate pushes inwards, the pieces of your mind begin to fracture, like a thin sheet of glass, being sat on. You must become emotionless, I push the emotions out when i need to, no pain, no guilt, no love. Im sick, and the only diagnoses is withheld from me. Why? i have no idea, if i knew, i wouldnt be going insane.
Im at that age, where I must begin leaving the nest. They dont realize, im already gone. I smoked alot of weed, everyday, allday, i smoked for a year. I suppressed the hatred, i suppressed the anger. . .I suppressed the thoughts. I was sick, the only person i had, was a five-year old, no friends, no other family, no females. In the house, they'd whisper just loud enough that i could hear them, theyd talk about me in third person. No support, only failure, i may have failed them, but i never failed me. I never lost control, i gave it up, but never lost it. I moved, i moved far away. But it wasnt the same, id dream of demons, and feel eyes on me, paranoia had set in. Id wake up continuously. So i prayed to god, i believed in god, i believe still in god, not in the way others do, religion. Religion is something i know, its concrete in my head. Other than that i dont know what to do. Even on this chat site, it started off with confusion, and ended up with insanity. Im not depressed though, i dont feel sad, i dont pity myself, i pity others. i dont want others to pity me. Im just a master manipulator, im so good at manipulating, ive manipulated myself. Im a liar and a cheat, but when i warn people of who i really am, they dont believe me. They see how attractive i am, how kind i am, and they believe all is good. I tell them im sick, but they never listen, they never have listened to me. No matter how many times i was right, no matter how intelligent the things i have to say are, they never listened to me. Just the way of the world, of this sick world, filled with disgusting people.
BlindedbySight BlindedbySight
18-21, M
2 Responses May 8, 2012

Buthole<br />
<br />

Stop smoking pot. <br />
It's a waste of time. Go to college, get a job and be an *******. With good money down you can use your charms to **** women. Then smoke pot again, but not all day everyday, that's... useless. Best of luck, dying seems like the stupid way out considering what you have. Turn your hate, into a suffering for others. That might boost up your own morale.