What Am I Supposed to Do With What I've Obtained?
I don't get life. I know you live, i know you love, i know you die. But what happens to those who are hurt and don't want to love. I've just recently gotten out of a fake relationship. I know it was stupid and immature. I met this guy on line through a so-called-friend. His name was Seth and we talked for a long time the first time we met and he sent me a picture of him and i thought he was the most wonderful, amazing, beautiful looking guy, and he had an amazing, interesting, original personality. I talked to him everyday and we decided to go out. We had been going out for 7 months and he kept telling me he was going to come down, but he never did. A month later his friend told me he died in a car crash on his was to see me, he was going to surprise me on my birthday by coming to see me and had planed it for the past 2 months. He didn't have enough money to buy a plane ticket so he was going to drive. It was 6 days before my birthday that he died, and i thought i was in love with him. I was very depressed for a long time and ended up talking to his twin brother after a while. We hated each other when we first met because he always tried to get me and Seth to break up, just for the fun of it. About a month and a half later, Cammron, his brother, and I had been talking and his personality was about the same as Seth's but with much great improvement, even i didn't know that could be possible. He was everything, perfect, impossible. 2 1/2 months after Seth's accident, cammron and i started liking each other and ended up going out. After Cammron and I had been going out for 6 months he kept telling me he would come down, and i figured he would end up doing the same thing that Seth had planned so when he kept telling me he couldn't come down, i just let it pass. I was madly in love with Cammron. After i realized how in love i was with cammron, it couldn't compare to anything else, not even Seth. Cammron was the love of my life, my inspiration, the reason i was still alive. Because of Seth's death, we needed each other and both of us were suicidal, but we got over it together. We were still depressed about alot of things most of the time, but just talking to one another made us extremely happy. I was so in love, foolish me. We talked on the phone most of the time, one time for 15 hours straight! I really was so in love with him. It was one month and 20 days from our one year anniversary and that day he was coming over to see me, he had just got in town. I saw him, and it wasn't cammron. Cammron-in the pictures was Italian, tan, tall, 15, brown eyes, pretty white teeth, amazing to me. The person that showed up was short, white, 15, blue eyes, braces. It looked exactly like my friend, Leann...a girl, very distinct. She did kind of look like a man though. I made him go away and cried for 9 hours straight. How could i let such a thing happen to me. I was in love with cammron, this personality, this picture, this feeling. Everything, but reality. I was also..broken. Still depressed, i tried laying in the road to kill myself, but my friend was in the car coming and ended up making me get up. I was so in love with him, i really was broken. I had been depressed ever since that. At one point I was happy that i wouldn't have to be crying because i couldn't see him, ever. I was happy that i now know the truth. I had thought about it a couple times, but he was so real to me. It has been 6 months and i still know everything about Cammron Spencer Johnson, the now 16 year old Italian boy who has brown eyes, loves to skateboard, sing, play guitar, and football. The guy who made me laugh every night and favorite animal was a dog. Favorite color was black and red. Favorite band, slipknot. Idol, his brother. And many more. He was my only friend other than Leann, who was the one who showed up at my door. Now, i had none. Alone in this empty world. Its 6 months later and every guy i end up liking, i only like for a day, because no one, in comparison to cammron, is that perfect, that worth it, to try and start anything. I'm too hurt to move on, maybe if cammron was real, i would be with him, but he isn't. I don't know what to do, i already talk to my counselor but i feel stupid talking about cammron every time i go in there because i don't want to sound stupid like I'm a failure. But i have no other way to move on. what do i do? what is the next step?