So Insecure It Hurts

I am probably the most insecure girl on the planet.

I have zero self-esteem from years of mental, emotional and physical abuse. I have generalized anxiety disorder, depression and PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which has left me with an uphill battle not to become a fat, bearded, zit farming, bald, slob. On top of all of that, I'm not good at forming close, personal, relationships. I seem to have a knack for suddenly growing extremely cold and unfeeling towards other people at the first sign of something bad.

Very few people 'get in'. Very few *stay* in. The one person who's in the most though, above even my family, is my best friend. I love her. She's my sister. The problem is, that all the things I love about her, other people do too. In particular? Men. Worse, she's someone who cannot live without male attention. She's a heart breaker. A major one. Only very recently has she gotten engaged, to a man she was supposedly setting me up with. I'm already afraid of about 50% of all men, so it's really hard for me to talk to them. I feel worthless because I'm not advantaged or beautiful or talented enough to break through the glass ceiling. I freeze around most guys and the ones I don't, are instantly in love with this beautiful, blonde, barbie-doll. I've never stood a chance against her. She's stolen almost every crush I've ever had under the excuse of: "Well, he likes me and I deserve the attention." (No lie, this is a real quote.). She has also stolen jobs out from under me, leaving me unemployed for three years. All of these jobs she's just burned. Our friends get mad at me if she doesn't return their phone calls and emails. On Christmas and birthday, she is given droves of beautiful, expensive, gifts which she never says 'thank you' for or uses. In fact, most of them end up donated to the thrift store or trashed because of perceived 'flaws'. Last year on my birthday, my other close friend, made me cupcakes out of the blue and brought them to our Scifi group meeting. She was the only one who gave me a gift. She was one of the three people who even said: "Happy Birthday". Before I could even finish taking a cellphone picture of the prettily decorated cupcakes, with tears rolling down my cheeks that someone would ever do anything so nice for scum like me, people were pushing me aside to take them. Not even to eat them near by, but to actually take three or four and walk off with them. Worse? I feel like all of this is okay and well deserved most of the time. Very rarely do I actually sit down and get mad about it. Today, I'm mad.

Whenever I *do* manage to get any sort of romantic relationship going, (mostly by keeping it dead quiet for at least three weeks.) and I start to feel more secure and start trusting the other person a little bit, I like to introduce them to her. She's a big part of my life. Every time however, I feel like there's a truck rolling over my chest, because the words are always the same: "Man, if I wasn't with you I'd....." Fill in the blank, 'great rack', 'beautiful hair', 'fine ***' are always somewhere in there. She just smiles. She likes the compliments. Sometimes, I just see red for a solid five minutes. Sometimes, I just turn off. Always, I stop caring for that person. "God" she says, "Why are you so insecure?"

I wish I wasn't.
BlueSelkie BlueSelkie
26-30, F
2 Responses Jan 7, 2013

Hello, I read your stories and felt for you. You remind me of a friend who disappeared from contact and who I talked with here. In fact you are very like her.

Tell me more. I'd love to hear from you.

I know how you feel. When i was your age, i was the male counterpart of what you are. My friends always dated the girls i fact one girl dated ALL my friends. When she was single, and i mustered up the courage to ask her out...she said i wasnt her type...and was never part of the group again. I too am a geek, sci-fi junkey...i KNOW the groups of people that frequent that world. I am so terribly sorry you feel the way you do about yourself. I wish i could tell you in more ways to keep your chin up and keep going...please dont hate me, or get mad at what i'll say, i just want to help, and honesty is always the best...but from what i are self destructive, and allow yourself to be walked on...not by the sci-fi group, or even other friends...this blond girl you mention. By your words she is a user and an abuser...of everyone not just you. And by what i read, she is REALLY using you...for jobs, for guys, for compliments...her having you around is only for her...the best thing you can do for yourself, is to cut the poison from your life. She is weighing you down, hurting e eryting about you. Trust me, i have cut friends even my own parents from my life because of poison to me...and 'm better for it. If you would like to talk, i can always use more friends...add me in your circle...i'd like to talk with you. Remember, you are the number one thing in your life that about YOU before trying to care about other people!