Here I Am ... Sunday Night 11 Oclock...Hoping this makes me feel better.
I consider myself a decent , caring and very loving person. I have almost twenty year old daughter and was unhappily married for most of those 20 years. I finally found the courage to break free when my child went off to college. My husband was constintly depressed, chronically ill and suicidal. knew that if i stayed in the house after my daughter left that it his mental state would detiriorate and that I would be in for a rougher ride then if I used her moving to college as a way to get out. I sold our 3 floor home of nearly twenty years. I made three packing stations in my house one for me, one for my husband and one for my daughter, and got busy. I showed up at the lawyers... the closing... the salvation army (driving a truck by myself with 32 packed boxes) and hired the movers. I found my husband an apt near his family... Moved him. Moved my daughter and myself...Got my daughter up to school and then began my life yet again. That was in August of 2010. In september I totaled my car passing out at the wheel while driving to work. Miraculously, I wasnt hurt except for a pinky bone was chipped. In Ocotober of 2011 my husband kept his promise to my daughter and commited suicide on her birthday.
Looking back on this chain of events i dont know how I kept going. Now my daughter is doing well in school at Brown and I am alone. Alone with the guilt of not being able to sustain a marriage. Alone with the doubt that I even understand how to be a part of a nutureing relationship. I been "online" dating and the best that I an come up with is numerous men that would love to have a friend with benefits relationship. It was fine for a few months... but I wnat something deeper and I dont know if im ready for that or even if Ill recognize and not run away from that someone when they finally show themselves.
I am working on all my inner voices and I understand how much control i have over them now. Im 52. Ive lived long enough with this chorous to know when Im being lied too. I know Im better then the voices that want to keep me down and wise enough to know that the drink or temporary fix of food, sex or drugs is far from the answer. I also know that no one can rescue me or be my knight or friend in shining armour. I know a good amount now and i just want someone to feel safe with. SOmeone to listen to my ups and downs and share times with... good and bad. SOmeone who says its going to be alright even though I aready know it. Im judt tired of being alone. How did I end up back here after so many yeaers. Back to saying to myself ...."I have so much love to give..."
Some nights are jjust uncomfortable and I feel the silence. Some nights I relish in it.Tonight it holds tears. I just keep writing and talking and looking for answers after all that is what life is. Its an eternal quest for the fleeting peace and happiness. Thanks for listening. It felt good just to write.