If I Knew Then What I Know Now

I am trying to get to know myself better. I have spent the last few months thinking and writing and reading my journal. I still have a lot to uncover about myself. So far I have been able to decide that the last time I was truly happy was before I met my husband. Slowly over the years I have lost my self-esteem, my joy and my *****. And who knows what else!! My husband is very selfish and is more than happy to leave me alone with our children day in and day out. He seems to enjoy his time away from us more than ever. I used to think this was my fault but now that I have been thinking and writing and reading, I realize that I am not at fault. That said, he still has quite a bit of power over me. I believe the things he tells me about myself and it almost always breaks me down. I am desperate for the day when I find peace and happiness within in myself.
DeeLisa DeeLisa
31-35, F
1 Response May 19, 2012

I am sorry to read this and that you feel this way.<br />
I had a journal years ago when I was dating a boyfriend at the time. <br />
Years after we broke up, I happened to stumble on the journal while cleaning. I sat down and read it and I was like "Holy ****! I was such an idiot to stay with such as *******."<br />
I really was able to see just how terrible the relationship was for me, how much I had been tolerating and putting up with. And I was able to look back and see how much I have grown since then and realize I am a lot wiser now and will not put up with that again.<br />
<br />
That aside, have you talked to your husband about your feelings?<br />
Do you want to make the marriage work? Do you think he does?<br />
Have either of you went or considered marriage counseling?<br />
<br />
Sometimes talking about things like this can be hard to do. If it is for you, I suggest writing him a note about your feelings, like you would in your journal. Then, you can decide whether you want to give it to him or not. It may make you feel good just to get those feelings out on paper.<br />
<br />
Do not listen to the negative things he says to you. Usually people who try to break others down are very insecure themselves and think that trying to pull somebody down to their level will make themselves feel better.<br />
Also, verbally abusing you is a way to control someone...he may be wanting to break you down so much that you will be afraid to leave him for fear that you aren't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough and you won't find anyone else.<br />
<br />
Trust me, there is someone out there who will treat you right, should you decide to leave. But even if you do leave, you may be better off on your own for a while and give yourself time to heal and be happy again on your own.

Thanks for your comment. We have been in counseling for over a year now. I stopped going for a while but have recently gone back. My husband is well aware of my feelings and "tries" to do better. I am no longer interested in working on the marriage. He knows that now, sort of. Slowly but surely I am mentally preparing to walk away and have no interest at all in jumping into another relationship.